So, of course, this blog will hold the gallimaufry of mind tangents that I very often go off on, the rants and observations about life and my faith and all else that makes me. :D
xx K.D.
This piece below is not by me, but it's important enough that I must share it:
You are not your bra-size, nor are you the width of your waist, nor are you the slenderness of your calves. You are not your hair color, your skin color, nor are you a shade of lipstick. Your shoe-size is of no consequence. You are not defined by the amount of attention you get from males, females, or any combination thereof. You are not the number of sit-ups you can do, nor are you the number of calories in a day. You are not your mustache. You are not the hair on your legs. You are not a little red dress.
You are no amalgam of these things.
You are the content of your character. You are the ambitions that drive you. You are the goals that you set. You are the things that you laugh at and the words that you say. You are the thoughts you think and the things you wonder. You are beautiful and desirable not for the clique you attend, but for the spark of life within you that compels you to make your life a full and meaningful one. You are beautiful not for the shape of the vessel, but for the volume of the soul it carries.
Been playing with the idea of moving to Tumblr.
I can't really say why other than blogspot seems… stiff, unflinching, with no room to breathe (My dramatic side coming out again). …But I really like my background and all the stuff I've got on here.
I just had to pop by to say that Kenny G just did something to my insides with his rendition of "The Christmas Song." It's that sax. omg. that sax …Here it is. I hope you enjoy it just as much and are looking forward to joys of Christ, Christmas, family and friends (and also for me christmas on the beach away from this snow white place :D).
I am utterly torn between sharing my life and experiences on here because while this blog really is like my sounding board, but I utterly forget that privacy issues really is something to think about…
Oh well.
12/11/10. 5:01pm: My window is half covered because there's a blizzard thats been blowing in over the city since I woke up at 8am (ish) this morning. I'm not really sure about I feel about it. Of course I have opted to stay indoors all day and attempt to do work (HA!).
Last week of school/finals is about to start. I'm homeward bound in 9 days (I hope). :D
It seems like more and more, this is a question that you probably would want to ask (should you be the more "geared for commitment" type, of course.)
I was watching sex in the city (what summer boredom does to you. You can add Spartacus to that too, OMG smh. I think I'm just going to stick to watching Leverage and Lie to Me and whatnots. But I'm talking in sporadic tangents bursting from my previously somewhat straight line of thought. As I was saying…) and Carrie had just found Mr. Big out on a date with a another woman: (I paraphrase and skip scenes in the following dialogue)
C: Are you on a date?
B: Yes, I am
C: Oh, oh, ok. How many dates do you go on?
B: I'm seeing a number of women.
C: Oh I see. Have a fantastic dinner. *slaps his chest in mock joy and storms towards her support/research group (ehem… friends) and out the door*
…
*hours later, phone rings*
B: I miss you baby (talking to Carrie).
I was all but fuming at this point.
Am I too old fashioned? Can I (or anyone else for that matter) no longer expect one man to simply date one woman (or vice versa)? And should s/he choose to date another, at the very least s/he could break up with the current flame s/he is dating (In this day and age however, asking the wo/man if s/he would consider a threesome might actually be what can be considered the very least s/he could do, but that brings me back to: Am I too old fashioned?)
Ok, if on both sides you acknowledge that: yes, this is a casual thing; yes, we'll go see some movies together once in a while but I will also be grabbing the occasional lunch with Agent Morgan or dinner, maybe even a midnight snack with Mr. Hardison in IT upstairs, then its really none of my business what you do.
But… My point:
We are at a point, when time is considered short, and the perfect wo/man is but myth conjured by the penmanship of the likes of Sidney Sheldon and other romance novelists. Conjured for those who still dare believe in the embrace of love, commitment and loyalty. That's all jolly. But are these a dying species? Would their extinction be for the better? And for who's benefit? Those who …sample all the slices of cake at once hoping they will find the best one when all that they taste is a gallimaufry of icing and therefore are incapable of telling one from the other?? Can you no longer take for granted the fact that this person you are seeing is seeing just you? Must you always be sure to have it explicitly stated (maybe even documented and signed with a witness (Yes, I know. Nothing slips by you does it?)) that the relationship is exclusive?
Then again,
I might just be being naive. In which case, the question should then be: At which point can you assume that you are exclusive? Should assumption be too scary a thing for you to do, at which point can you ask the question, "Can we be exclusive?"
After the 5th… 6th date?
After the 1st time s/he sleeps over? Or is it after the 3rd?
It is in reading my blog that I realize just how like a roller coaster my life is (and just how emo I am…). Sometimes I have the strength to not let the bad overcome the good and I CAN keep my head up above the trouble. But then also there are times where… it's just not going to happen and I go under (Yea, I am aware that definition of trouble is relative).
But, I'm here wondering (and I think I've said this before) whether it is a good thing trying to keep your head above the water. For one it should be an opportunity to realize that it's about time you sank your knees deep underneath the surface of all the trouble and then look up, because there is strength to be found in that position. Furthermore, how else can you understand what you are going through unless you thoroughly embrace it, feel it and experience it and then hope that you learn from it and not just forget it all when the trouble passes, you feel better and then proceed to regress to that which caused the problem in the first place (#tangent). Accept that it is a part of whatever you are going through and must go through if you want to come out whole at the other end. Of course, "whole" can mean letting go / getting rid of a part that was never supposed to be there in the first place that is not helping you… or others. This is an opportunity to grow… even if it means having to eventually let go…
"The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing" - John Powell
P.S. I admit that that last blog title was *utterly* dramatic.
P.P.S. Anyone seen the new HP movie? Worth it? (Pensieve is an HP ref. not necessarily misspelt…)
I only just realized that in my performance of life I have left behind a trail of major wreckages. Little did I know that each wreckage was actually a piece of my heart cracked and broken off and left behind. Here I thought I was protecting myself... But no. I was ripping myself apart. Slowly. The reflecting I've done over the past 48 hrs has left me so empty. Yet so full of regrets and thoughts of "What [expletive, expletive] did you think you were doing!??"
The problem now is: what do I do? The broken pieces were originally a mix, but now just mine. Do I attempt to make it better? Is wanting to do so selfish yet again? Would it help at all? ...I'll do anything.
*Sigh*
I think too long in a hot shower emphasizes dehydration...
Shrink session scheduled, that is one person I shouldn't be able to wreck...
So music is major part of my life. Usually when people say that it means that they create music or add to it in some significant way or form. Yes, I can carry a tune but I'd do that if I'm not carrying my iPod. Music is my companion in everything, therefore, very often I will be able to find something that speaks to me. Today, I've had a bit of a crappy day… but then again who doesn't. "Chin up," he'd say. So I'm working on it, and this helps: Enjoy - Janet Jackson :D
Look for the bare necessities The simple bare necessities
Forget about your worries and your strife
I mean the bare necessities
Old Mother Nature's recipes
That brings the bare necessities of life
Wherever I wander, wherever I roam
I couldn't be fonder of my big home
The bees are buzzin' in the tree
To make some honey just for me
When you look under the rocks and plants
And take a glance at the fancy ants
Then maybe try a few
The bare necessities of life will come to you
They'll come to you!
Look for the bare necessities
The simple bare necessities
Forget about your worries and your strife
I mean the bare necessities
That's why a bear can rest at ease
With just the bare necessities of life
Now when you pick a pawpaw
Or a prickly pear
And you prick a raw paw
Next time beware
Don't pick the prickly pear by the paw
When you pick a pear
Try to use the claw
But you don't need to use the claw
When you pick a pear of the big pawpaw
Have I given you a clue ?
The bare necessities of life will come to you
They'll come to you!
So just try and relax, yeah cool it
Fall apart in my backyard
'Cause let me tell you something little britches
If you act like that bee acts, uh uh
You're working too hard
And don't spend your time lookin' around
For something you want that can't be found
When you find out you can live without it
And go along not thinkin' about it
I'll tell you something true
Today I woke up to a happiness I never have before.
Perhaps actually it was more of joy than it was happiness. Here I am, 6 hrs later, and it's still going strong. I was so happy, there were tears and there was praise. It was nothing short of an AMAZING feeling. I was walking around smiling like a fool. Or better still one who's just heard a fantastic secret.
The way you feel is often a direct product of the way you think and the choices you make about the way you are thinking. As a person thinks in his heart so is he. Yes, true but sometimes even without a conscious decision some emotion spills over from deep inside and praise God when is it joy (even more when it's pain) but joy… Wow. I'm think I'm still too overwhelmed by it to be fully explicit about it.
Perhaps it was conversation from the night before.
Perhaps the gray yet beautiful morning
Perhaps it was the fact that a cool blast of air woke me rather than my blasted alarm.
Perhaps also it was just the effect of this song… I'll be chasing after You, just as You chase after me.
I'm writing this more for me so I have something to come back to when I get confused again. I figured if it'd help me. It'd help someone else… either way *shrug*.
For a number of weeks now I've been meeting with my pastor from my church because I decided I was not getting the direction I wanted/needed from the people around me. I was tired of trying on my own to be the Christian that I want to be; better still, the person I was made to be. (Though I can still say I don't know who that person is and I'm still a long way off.)
Anyways, my point:
Talking to him made a good number of things easier to understand. Of course I often understand it in the moment that he speaks on it and then I get all confused again later on.Either way, before I started talking to my pastor, I believed you must work towards your salvation. I'm not saying now that you must not, but now I understand that you can not ever truly achieve it on your own by your own means. What I mean is I believed that once you "achieved" salvation you were instantly filled with His spirit. I believed that you instantly FEEL His presence. And no matter how hard I seemed to try I'd never really felt anything. Note my emphasis on feeling. …I was looking for the wrong things in the wrong places.
Salvation means to work towards the person that our creator wants us to be. To purposefully refuse to do that will keep you from salvation. But every time you consciously choose to do the right thing over the wrong, you do not have a rush of adrenaline, maybe the first time, yes (unless you are special and you feel that every single time). But working towards salvation means changing your lifestyle where it needs changing because it is being shaped by your faith. The rush I believe some feel is them approaching satisfaction.
(Let's make an academic tangent here)
In communications class, we discussed self-concept and how it affects the way we communicate and interact with other people. Every person has current self-concept and an ideal self-concept. The smaller the difference between the two, the closer to satisfaction with one's self that a person can get.
Relating this to our faith, we are internally conflicted when we believe, through our faith, that we were made to be a certain way which we currently are not. Therefore, I can think of salvation as satisfaction in Christ…
It's a funny thing this life is. It's not a game but you are pushed to win. It's not a race but you are pushed to run. No one will survive it but we all seem to try. Why the ambivalence and juxtaposition? Because either no one knows exactly what life or the right way to live it is or simply assumee if you throw enough [just cooked spaghetti] at the wall something must stick.
You know. That kinda tired that allows you to sit and stare at the lint floating about because you've lost your motivation to move. That kinda tired that seems to engulf your body, ooze past your bones and marinate your soul. And you cannot for the life of you explain why… at least not to another person. And not even if you tried. But… here goes:
I'm tired because I cannot lighten my load. I've tired but its like walking around barefoot and trying to get rid of the dirt by dusting off with your hands and then continue walking. Now both your hands (and everywhere you put them) and your feet are dirty.
I'm tired because I cannot put words to the things I feel. I cannot explain their source. Mainly because most think it wrong or irrational. Trust me I know it's irrational, but try telling that to someone with [eg] claustrophobia and see if it gets them to stand in a closet.
I'm tired because when I find myself trying to explain why I am/feel the way I am/feel all I'm ever met with is confusion, assumptions, hurt feelings or retreat. But… but… it's the truth. …Or what I think is the truth.
I'm tired because I dont know for sure what the truth is. Am I simply hiding behind what I think is the truth to avoid facing the true issues. But facing the true issues should help me solve them so hiding from it would be stupid…
I'm tired because when I don't explain why I am/feel the way I am/feel, I still get the same results.
Ok, the world is just giving me material to work with here.
Imagine with me please:
Someone, say female, is utterly down in the dumps. I mean she's upset, has probably been crying and she is trying to feel better but it's not really working. And the guy she's talking to hoping he would cheer her up suggests sex because it's a great picker upper.
Now,
One. I was under the impression that one needs to be in the mood for sex for it to be any good.
Two. It has to be good for it to work as a picker upper.
and Three. Knowing this person is upset, how exactly quickly do you think the process from upset to sad to happy to sexy time happens?
Seriously?
For me, the impression I get is simply that the guy wants to get laid. Ok I really dont know since I'm not a guy, … actually hold on I'm going to ask…
So apparently, for the guy it'd work for him if he was upset…
I don't even know what to say anymore. Mtchew.
See, the issue with technology and social networking websites is not only that they are so many but despite the numbers you STILL can't escape from some people.
Once upon a time, we were chill and I didn't mind you on everything (cus nothing special/significant really happens that goes on there) but now I'd much rather not have said person have such unlimited access to my life BECAUSE I WANT TO RANT ABOUT YOU (said person)!
Number of media through which I was rant-blocked: 3
Twitter, Facebook, and Skype. (Would be 4 if their blackberry msgr was set up and 5 if I knew they read this blog). And because of this I think I was just more irritable because I just couldn't rant!! Do you know just know frustrating that is?
But I have another point of view by which you can look at this problem.
We (I) learn accountability and/or to be patient.
Lemme explain…
So patience first. It was the simple fact that I couldn't just go straight to twitter to spew a string of words that expressed my grand irritation with this person because they were bound to see it and even if they didn't guess it was about them would ask about it anyways. As a result, I had to sit and fight away/ignore the cause of the irritation until I felt better or just be straight with the person and tell them to BEHAVE!
Accountability; Really should be self-explanatory.
With so many avenues where you can create an online version of yourself each of which is accessible by so many people, there are bound to be times where you check yourself or some else does that for you.
Of course the standards to which one is kept accountable is defined by themselves and their group of friends…
Lol. Obviously, sometimes these social networking thingys allow you to explore different points of view.
Tonight, I will be going to bed just like I have every night in the past (well most nights at least). But tomorrow; tomorrow I'll wake up different.
It's been 3 years coming, this night has. 3 years, I've waited and waited, longed for and hoped for. And now it here. Tomorrow morning I wake up a college senior. Tomorrow morning I begin my year of lasts, with my last first day of fall semester.
I'm torn between anxiety and excitement about the future.
Anxiety because I do not know where I will be, what I would have accomplished and what I would have failed to accomplish. I do not know if I will even make it to the end of senior but God carried me through my accident so I must be meant for more than the trials of school if I'm alive now.
(R.I.P. to those who cannot say same for they are with the Father. Paa Bed, I didn't know you at all but obviously, you meant a lot to a lot of people. Godspeed brother.)
Anxiety because of all the plans (A - D so far) I hope to fall back on, I'm not sure yet of which would hold, if any at all.
But despite all that, excitement because I feel as though graduation marks the beginning of an independence that I do not yet know. Yes, I have been living on my own and paying bills, etc. but there is something missing in all that that I feel graduation will bring.
Excitement also because I will finally find out what benefit college has been to me and how much of it I really will use. Classroom knowledge versus social/people handling knowledge…?
I'm not sure I like this whole not knowing exactly where I'm going kinda thing… Hmph.
Ok bedtime. I have a blasted 8am financial accounting class which I only have because I'm trying to figure out my post graduation plan A.1.
My computer has been acting up for a while now and by a while I mean since like may. It shuts down randomly, batt life is like 10 mins when not plugged in 20 if i'm lucky, 4 if not, things are un-click-able, slow as 8am econ class.
It hasn't been much of a big deal since school was out and I wasn't doing big things and what not.
I mean its still working. I'm writing this on it now. But!
Senior year is starting meaning a lot of writing/programming/procrastination I'd call a break.
And I can't have my computer being menopausal on me.
So what I did is I bought a new computer… I haven't opened it up yet… cus I'm still playing with the idea… (Now I can't click on the finder. tsew.)
Pros:
New computer.
Not going to wig out on me
I can work on my senior things and what not
I have a protection plan on the new one.
Cons:
I have to go rob a bank now.
I can't sell this old computer for scrap (cus my cuzn stuck on a Hannah Montana sticker on it… -__-)
I was stupid enough not to the get the protection plan before and to fix it would be …robbing another bank.
Me: No one. I don't have a man.
Taxi Driver: C'mon. I ain't yo daddy. You ain't gotta lie me.
Me: Don't worry, I know, I wouldn't lie to him about that either.
TD: Girl, please, I'm looking at you. You too fine to be single. *Pause* (You really should be looking at the road)
Me: Thank you, but I really am.
Ok, I can take a compliment (and there is someone out there who will shake his head when he reads this), and I'm flattered that he'd think that way. But, here is my issue.
Is the way I look to be the defining characteristic that decides whether I'm single or not?
No, I'm not naive enough to still think that looks don't count. Of course the good looking ones are more likely to get more attention. I'm mean, I'm just as attracted to the tall, dark, cute smile, arms for daaayyys kinda guy as the next person and I'd notice him sooner than the awkward, jeans sagging guy who still claims he's got pretty boy swag…like… really?
What about me and my say? I'll take it, I'm not an eye-sore BUT I also have a say in who becomes my boyfriend. I'd much rather be joyful, even bored in my single than miserable and in agony in a double. The guy made a boyfriend sound like a must-have accessory any good looking girl should have…
I mean sure, but there is a lot more that should go into the pairing up process.
Also, you can't call me a liar after 5 mins, me and you no dey so… -___-
I have a simple question hence a short post.
Please do not interpret this to be me looking down my straight nose through half moon glasses at those of you who do this. I'm just trying to understand.
So: ho, bitch, bintch, hefa, etc are words that I often hear one female call another. And in an affectionate way too. This where I kinda do a double take after I think about it. (If I don't bother to think about it, it doesn't register.) These terms are alright to use provided those using it are comfortable doing so with each other. Until a guy uses it on you as well… Liken this to the use of "nigger." It's ok for a black person to use this but as soon as it comes from a person with less melanin it's a problem.
WHY?
If you are using these terms on yourselves why is it an issue when others use it?
Just because connotations and mutual understanding are different?
Please help/explain. If you get it that is.
Graçias
Ok that was a line from a song. I hope you were not actually looking for a legit answer to this big fat confusion inducing question. But since I have your attention… ]:D
My definition of love so far is… and I'm not talking about the romantic which is depicted in movies to make you feel weightless, light-headed and young and foolish. No, that's not my piece of cake. When I take a bite I'll let you know.
But for now, my definition is something like this:
You know those people who have the ability to DRIVE YOU UP THE BLOODY WALL? Like its not even a big thing ooo chale. Something small. But they do it and up the wall you go. They make you angry and upset and confused and tired and then you give up and you are not talking to them for a while and you blame them for all the things that are going wrong in your day…
And then the very next day you can't live without them. Like joke, you call them up to make sure they are alive, make sure they still know how to laugh and to confirm that you can still do that for them.
You'd offer what you can to make the day feel a little better and in the event you can't really do anything you feel so utterly hopeless that… ……I don't even have the words to explain the feeling.
Should any random fool dare attack them in anyway the Hulk in you that you never knew about is born. Like "Who do you think you are to [insert any verb under the sun here] my [fill with loved one]?"
So if they can drive u up the wall and still make you defend them will all you've got, you love 'em! :D
S/O to mi familia!!!!
Lately, there are so many lines in so many songs that speak to me or I fall in love with or I wish I could identify with. But rather than put up a million different songs, here are the few essential lines per song. :D Enjoy.
Think about it You and me together, Loving each other Aiming at forever Think about it
NeYo - Future in You
**Sultry melodies pour out of the saxophone, inducing images of warm nights, four arms, four legs, twenty fingers, two torsos; the separating skin, air, time and space between them merely theoretical… … ahem** [There are no words, simply imagination in this song]
Kenny G & George Benson - Summertime
If we believe, we can achieve anything including the impossible
This I know so lets lift up our heads and raise the flag
And scream like you want to win now let the games begin!
R. Kelly - Sign of a Victory
I wish I could lose all of my blues
I wish I could stop putting my blues on you
I wish I could love like nobody loves
I wish that my goods out way my bads enough
Robin Thicke - Complicated
I know now I was naïve
Never knew where this would lead
And I'm not trying to take away
From the good man that he is
Alicia Keys - Goodbye
Head rush from a touch my emotions erupt Realise that I'm stuck caught inside of [his] seduction Losing my mind each and every time [he's] around
Lloyd - Valentine
Oh lonely girl don't you loose your dreams in someone else's cries Lonely girl don't you see your life in someone else's eyes Lonely world don't you find your faith in someone else's lies Lone world don't you live your life through someone else's eyes
Robin Thicke - Lonely World
I'm more than just an option… Refuse to be forgotten… I took a chance with my heart And I feel it taking over…
Drake - Find Your Love
So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
Alicia Keys - Sleeping with a Broken Heart
Tell me what do you see When you looking at me… On a mission to be What I'm destined to be… I'm a soldier, a rider, a ghetto survivor And all the above… … Take a look and you can tell That I'm destined for greatness
Maino - All the Above
I open my eyes and realize that nothing's quite that bad I've got a different approach to dealing with emotion eeping control of my boat, while drifting on this ocean Keeping my head in the sky, keeping tears out of my eyes. Unless happiness be the reason that I decide to cry, And life's too short to dwell on all that's wrong. Stand up now, stand up now and I promise not before long You'll be feeling better today.
NeYo - Better Today (Honestly, the whole song just resonates… sometimes.)
Update: (10/19/10) Life's a prison when you are in love alone
Usher - Can You Help Me?
So some of the songs were really sad… I'm sorry!! I still loved them though.
Beautiful mom can you smile?
Can you glow, can you sing me my favorite song?
Got fever, warm clothes are clean, kids are gone
What to do she's a sleeping sun.
She says birds fly out her window
She watches jealously
She says she's too old for new things
But mama you got wings
I don't think this contains spoilers but you might…
Soooo Inception. I finally went to go see that movie with my sister last night… Fantastic!!
Really. Fantastic. I have to say my favourite bit was in the 2nd dream level were there was 4 walled/0 gravity combat. Tooooooo jeh.
Ah! It was just a hot movie.
Some advice though. Don't listen to all the talk about how it's "mind-boggling" and confusing and has more kinks than an African woman's hair (the un-permed supremely curly kind). It would make you try to pay too much attention to what is going on and you'd forget to enjoy it. Luckily for me I gave that up after like 5 mins. You'd find it's actually quite easy to follow.
Now! I have questions not answered by the movie.
1. Do the people not breathe while in Limbo? I mean they left the men under water!!
2. Don't things that supply oxygen have to be attached to something? I mean. I'm being picky here but… it's a question.
3. What if a totem is created in a dream state. Could it fool you into believing that that dream state is actually the true reality?
4. How is it that it was ok for Cobb to take his wife's totem. Is that allowed???? lol.
5. What happens when you die in limbo? Can you die in limbo? I mean… old enough people must die eventually right?
All in all I loved the movie. For sometime yesterday though I forgot what "inception" meant. lol. (it means the beginning of something btw).
What I took away from the movie is that an idea, well placed, can be viral and difficult to displace if at all. I don't know about this placement, but here's my idea: www.istandabove.org. Check us out, do something for the up coming iSA day and come stand with us. ;)
There are peas under my mattress.
…No. Scratch that …I can make no such claims to delicacy.
For I am the cracked soles of the bare feet the trekked miles over rugged terrain,
I am the calloused palms that tightly wield the machete passionately willing a response from the barren soil,
I am the knees that have darkened with the ashes they grind into the ground,
But more honestly, I am the pieces of my heart broken so often, the shards cut deep my fingers, refusing a mend.
Baring it all, I am the tears that illustrate on my cheeks the pain that conceived them, born in these eyes that fight to hide them.
I hesitate to speak because then you would know I will not… cannot feel the bumps in my mattress.
…But I'm afraid to lie down because rocks might be what replace those peas.
There is something about the saxophone that I often feel I can identify with. I cannot explain it to you. I often say the saxophone is the sexiest instrument. No, not because I feel sexy myself but because it speaks to something inside. It doesn't matter what the musician intended for the piece but manages to cause whatever I'm feeling to bubble over. But yea, this is just a prelude to my musings…
How can one be thought of as both cold and emotional; to some an angel, to others they'd make the devil squirm. Do you ever wonder who you actually are? Is there a single person who is not sculpted to some extent by their reactions to the way they are perceived by others whether to become the opposite of that perception just in spite or simply to go along with it because it is positive?
It's not that easy being yourself by yourself is it? (This is not rhetorical).
What is the point of having self-help guides, life coaches, daily motivators or even the Bible then if it was easy to be who we are meant to be?
God created us, but we born into sin, so to be who we are meant to be would result in sinful creatures and therefore there would be no promise of Heaven. But if you believe in God and in his word you cannot let yourself be slave to the whip of sin and to receive the promise of eternal life, heaven and ended suffering, you give your life to Christ and then follow His Word. This. Is. Hard.
Then beyond the religious realm, humans are social creatures. Everyone needs and wants friends and after they get them, try to keep them. In the process of which there is the politically correct language, the white lies, the high levels of tolerance and patience until they get the stamp of approval. And then the pretty wallpaper is slowly torn down to exposed the burnt gray brick underneath. And if you are not the kind to put up pretty wallpaper in the first place, you may be considered cold, rude, mean or "refreshingly honest" (which I think is nonsense) because you say it like it is and in this day and age… who, really, likes that? (Be refreshingly honest one more time and you'll be out on your ear wondering "wth!? I thought she liked that!") There wouldn't be as many successful plastic surgeons if people really did enjoy honesty.
And on that note: There are those people who cannot be themselves physically because of what the media and subsequently the world have construed to be the pinnacle of beauty. There is a difference between changing yourself to be fit or at least healthy than to simply to match the anorexic foetus sized "models." What happened to the whole "it's what on the inside that matters"? I'm not at all suggesting that it is not the outside that you are initially attracted to (my blatant ogling of a soaked shirtless young gentleman at the water park is proof enough) but look beyond that already!
Basically: How do you be yourself in a world full of different demands from different mediums?? What happens when you finally look inside yourself and you find its all mixed and confused and I don't know which direction to follow and rightly so??
My eyes were open… but I'm not sure I could see anything. Not the rain, not the people, not the ground, not the car, not my bike. At least I don't remember seeing them. I was up in the air. I knew I was up in the air. What I didn't know was what my body was doing. I didn't know where my legs were pointing, I didn't know whether my arms were flailing or not.
I wasn't screaming… that much I know. I had a straight face on. Unfeeling. Ruminating almost. Noting the facts: "Ok, I'm in the air." Then the ground sped towards me. Not that I saw it coming. It was just logical that air + gravity = ground at some point. I don't know what hit what… then I was on my back. Still conscious (fantastic innit?). The rain pouring down on my face (and everything else I suppose), filling my mouth… cus… well… it was open. …I giggled. The absurdity of the fact that I was just hit by a car, was up in the air and just landed on the street in the pouring rain and couldn't move anything was funny to me.
I started convulsing at that point, which I'm pretty sure was due to a combination of the sudden cold and shock (I like to believe the laughter was from that too). I was suddenly aware there was a woman beside me cooing as though I was a baby and calling me that too. "It's ok baby; You are going to be alright baby." It was comforting, for sure. Then I remembered where I was: in public. I sat up then proceeded to stand and smile, "Hello; Yes, I'm quite alright."
(Heh! Can someone tell this editor that "alright" is spelled correctly. Where is your English teacher???? Anyways…)
I stood there and rinsed off the soil and whatnot off my toes in the rain. I had totally forgotten I had a bike until the driver of the car, looking almost sick, gave me a hug and offered to get me a new bike. "Oh, is my bike totalled?" (Say that like "toe-tild" hehe.) The frame of the bike was bent in an odd manner into the wheels such that you couldn't spin them if you tried. "Oh. Hmm. Yea, a new bike would be useful."
I had healed, forgotten about the accident, written 3 books, was VP of Google, had a gorgeous husband, 3 children and 10 grandchildren before the police came and regressed me back to the present time. Then the ambulance followed. (GORGEOUS DUDE BTW. Never caught his name :( ) Apparently I had messed up the windshield and left pieces of my shirt on the car somewhere and therefore I had to go get checked out.
Now for the stupid part.
I lay in that hospital bed for 4 hrs. 4 HRS OOO. Question after question, poking, prodding, lifting, touching, feeling, x-raying, etc AND I STILL HAD TO ASK THE BLOODY DOCTOR TO DRESS THE BLOODY WOUND. Here I am bleeding onto your sheets and pillows and whatnot and you can't guess that cleaning and bandaging it up might be wise? Or you don't do that in the ER? Like …wtf? And even then I could've done what she did very easily. Grr. She then told me to "get dressed" and they were going to discharge me. I looked at her like… o_O
I was so pissed I got into my freezing still wet clothes and walked outta the hospital (God was on my side cus first of all I was alive and second I could miraculously walk on my ankle with minimal pain!). I put on my best "don't talk to me, you are ticking me off" face and walked out to find someone who could help me better than these "certified" ones. (The smart ppl hadn't thought to call my emergency contact either. I mean, when else would this contact be useful but in an emergency situation? When I was dead? I was in an ER for Pete's sake. Damn).
I whipped out my phone which also was working perfectly despite the fall and thorough soaking (can I get a hallelujah) and called my hosts for a ride, freaking my brother out and went back in to wait. (I did get officially discharged because I wanted my pain prescription. Ugh. Vicodin… I felt so Dr. House cool.)
So the hosts came, took me home where I crashed. All in all, rather eventful day no? :D
I am truly grateful to be in the condition I am because it could've been a lot worse, hence the current jolly disposition (as for the laughter during… I can't explain). I've had my miracle for the year. Thank you Lord. :D
So I've been living a month with 1 guy and about a week with 2. And I realised a few things about myself.
I don't mind that I have to put the seat down every time I have to use the loo. I really do not mind at all. Neither do I mind taking out the trash. I can be considerate… sometimes.
However. H.O.W.E.V.E.R.
I DO mind that you leave whatever hairs you've cut/shaved/pried/picked or whatever off your wherever in and about the sink.
I DO mind that y'all don't know how to clean up after yourselves! I mean SERIOUSLY???
When you cook, CLEAN! When you shower, PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES BEHIND ON THE FLOOR. SHEESH! hoh. Do I look like your bloody wife.
I appreciate that you actually do your dishes, but I DO mind that you leave them in the drying rack 24/7. We have cupboards you know?
I don't see why you should have the three items you own all in different racks of the fridge. Can't you have them in one section. Like in the corner????
Finally, considering I hardly ever see you dudes cus you stay in your room or are only home with the high moon, when I leave you a note asking you to do something PLEASE DO IT! And in a timely fashion!
Mr. Comp Sci. you are the freaking bane of my existence right now. I mean I knew that our relationship was not the best. We had a love hate kinda thing going on but we still stuck it through. Through the good times and all the bad ones. All the promises you made! UGH!
Ok to be fair you haven't bailed on the promises, I just haven't gotten there yet but must you beat me all the way down after any step? I mean C'MON!!!! How much can a person take? Sheesh.
You know the kind. You know? fair-weather friends?
The kind when everything is peaches and cream so is the friendship. The fun and the laughter surrounds you constantly like the the fragrance from a Febreeze plug-in? (OMDz, fantastic) and all that?
Now, as soon as something is not right; you are distracted, busy, upset, sick, worried, the list goes on and you cannot give them the full attention and joyous feeling you have until then, then anything goes up in smoke and flames. They get ticked off or upset, claiming you are sucking up the life/energy/whatever synonym is hot that day and then leave…
I'm like …seriously? Do forgive me for having a life which may sometimes distract me from my God-given task of making you happy… Tsew.
I just realised that a lot tends to ride on the first impression that you have of a person that you meet. Or rather I should say we (I) tend to make a number of decisions about a person based on this first encounter, including how we forever interact with them.
While we always hear a person never gets a second chance to make a first impression, did you ever think of how your …state of mind (?) affects that impression that person makes? A state of mind they obviously have absolutely no control over.
Here is what I mean:
Say you are in the office and you just found out some unfortunate news that has left you in quite the sour mood with the thickest, greyest cloud you've ever seen over your head, your boss at that point walks in to introduce you to a very chirpy, excited, young blonde intern in a colourful suit rather than one of a traditional colour.
What first impression do you have of her at that point?
My guess is that you might be irritated with her and think she's too bubbly and then maybe tend to avoid her. If you were in a more bubbly mood yourself you just might click and it would be start of a fantastic relationship. In either situation, the blonde didn't change. Your state of mind did. What I'm trying to say basically is that I currently think a first impression of one person is a two way thing. (Of course when two people first meet each is getting a first impression of the other but that's not what I'm talking about.)
Speaking from my own experience (I was just telling someone this yesterday) a few of the guy friends I have were guys who were trying to pick me up. Usually I would blow them of, take their numbers (instead of giving mine) and never call or just simply ignore them. BUT for those I actually called I was more than likely to have been in a fantastic mood when they approached.
So much so that one time I even took a walk with one I'd known for 15 mins. (Yes, I think back to that and wonder "What the hell were you thinking Kui?!!!!" But thank God he was chill. whew.)
But yes my point is, you can't always be in the best of moods but the next time you know you are about to meet someone try to be in a receptive mood or not even Denzel Washington could make a good first impression.
And don't you just hate it when you have a bad first impression and then avoid the person and then are sorta force back with them and realise you've missed out on having this person in your life?? Think about it.
iStandAbove teams up with WITNESS! HOPE for charity tournament
iStandAbove has teamed up with the WITNESS! HOPE charity organisation to host a 3-point competition as a part of the 2nd Annual Witness Prmotions 5-on-5 Basketball Tournament. The tournament will be held on July 3rd as Paint Branch High School in Burtonsville, Maryland; tip-off time is 11 a.m.
With a registration fee of $30 dollars, participant will get the chance to compete for the ultimate title as the tournaments 3-point-shootout champion and also win some awesome prizes; see attached flier. Registration ends on July 3rd 2010, 10 a.m.
"We are not just a movement but a life geared at Greatness and Success for all. Come StandAbove with us!"
iStandAbove is a non-profit organisation that aims to provide young individuals worldwide with the opportunity and support needed to help them reach their goals. Through innovative and sustainable projects and programs iSA equips and prepares the youth to excel both academically and socially. iStandAbove joins the WITNESS! HOPE charity organization for this competition in hopes for promoting leadership, teamwork and creativity; the core values of iSA.
For more information please contact us at info@istandabove.org or visit www.istandabove.org
Could it truly be that I am refusing to see what it is that right under my nose?
Does dust and do scales cloud my eyes,
And reduce everything around me to a disguise?
So much so that I am unable to see
All the opportunities that lay before me?
The summer has begun and by the eternal string of scratches on the prison walls of my mind, it has already gone on for far to long. The days drag on as the trees slowly grow endless shadows behind them, just as my feet, too, drag on as my spirit wears downs and leaves its pieces behind me. The warm summer nights and even warmer summer days refuse to bend to offer even the smallest of condolences by way of a break of the monotonous drone that is my day. It does not bother to offer a cool day, grayed by the rain, as a simple means by which to engage my brain.
Curse the morning sun that drags me into one more day of reaping the nothing that I sowed… The day wears on.
Lord forbid I eventually think pulling out my hair might be somewhat engaging…
It’s been a long time that we’ve been together
And not too long ago it seemed like forever
Now I’m so far away and its time that you know
I wish that time would rewind and go little more slow
I miss those days when I was shorter than you
When boys, bills and books were not an issue
Those days I was shown “sense” when I tried to stray
And you’d say “I love you baby so this is the right way”
And now the time has come for me to be
The best that I can on my own you see.
Now I have to be the director of my own show
But I’m so proud I have you to show me the way to go
You were my first and best birthday gift ever
God must really love me to make you my mother
And as He chose you to give me life
I pray He uses me to get you through strife
You are always in my heart and metaphorically by my side
I love you to death mummy and that I could never hide
I feel pain. Why? I’m not really sure but I know it must be pain that is causing these tears to leave a trail on my cheek and dampen my sweatshirt sleeves.
I really can’t explain to you why I feel this way though since nothing bad at happened. With enough reading and following “motivational” tweeters and basic common sense you know that its not the event but the way you feel about the event that dictates your mood.
Common sense would then logically tell you to change the way you think but as always that is more easily said than done. Because there is more to the mind, there is the heart. (No I’m not talking about love and all the schmoozy crap).
Sometimes some things just hurt you on the inside way too much to simply change your mind on how you feel about it. And its not even the big things. Just the little ones.
Like consideration. Simple uncomplicated consideration.
I'm totally fine with a normal house and all. This is just going to be an attachment on top of it. My private relaxing room. Wooo!!! :D … I'm such a daydreamer.
Even the most beautiful of gems must first be carved out from the dusty, dirty earth.
The blog piece I started writing in place of this one could not be going further in the opposite direction. It was full of rage. Full of anger. I was pouring out my feelings because writing is usually the only why I know how to express them and get them to leave me alone and let me feel better. Be better. But what I was doing instead was holding on to the emotions; on the rage I felt and wouldn't let it go. I need to learn to let them go.
Fortunately, I had a friend send me this:
Sometimes we… I focus too much on the bad and tend to forget those things that are good or at least just enough. Those things I actually am trying to get on my feet to chase.
…Even then, "And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away."
Should you be able to loosely replace "right hand" with "'friend'" do not hesitate to cut it off and throw it away. I have hesitated and keep hesitating… lol. Soon enough I'll stop being a wuss and will pick up that axe.
Apple's Touch iPod. Amongst the top gadgets. Upload over a 1000 songs and have them literally at your fingertips with the large touch screen, easy to use GUI and wi-fi capabilities. Wow! Browse the net on the 2…3…? inch screen. Watch YouTube videos on the go! OMDz!! What more could u want from a portable music device? Ok Apple. Somehow your backup doesn't actually backup music so reformatting even after a backup is a no no because all I managed to "backup" were my apps. mtchew. And then even before and something maybe some OS bug has made my wi-fi menopausal.
Now you tell me, what good is my touch to me now. Here are a few of my ideas: 1. Miniature electronic picture frame. Family and friends, at your fingertips too! 2. Fancy paper weight. Never have your homework fly all over the place messing up your homework. 3. High tech GameBoy (or low tech if you lost all your games apps and can't download more because there is no wi-fi) 4. Emergency notebook in class. 5. Clock (note: just a clock there's no alarm clock business here)
Apple, you might wanna consider including these in the device capabilities so people have activity options as they wait to hear back from some ...genius. They said it, not me.
Do forgive me. I'm a liddle upset. Love to all. Xx.
The question is, will I ever leave You, The answer is, no, no, no, no, no, no, No, no, no, no, no, no, No, no, no.
The question is, will I ever leave You, The answer is, no, no, no, no, no, no, No, no, no, no, no, no, No, no, no.
Oh, I love the Lord for He's so dear to me, Oh He died that I might be free; I was asked this question is and the answer is still, no.
[Verse 2:] Now the question is, will I do His will, And it's, yes, yes, yes, yes, Yes, yes, yes, yes, Yes, yes, yes, yes.
I was at home late one night, The Lord asked me would I do His will, I told Him, yes, yes, yes, yes, Yes, yes, yes, yes, Yes, yes, yes, yes
I'm presenting my body, a living sacrifice, All I'm gonna do is the will of Christ I was asked this question and the answer is, yes.
[Verse 3:] The question is, when will Jesus return I want you to know, soon, soon, Soon, soon, soon, soon.
Look at the crisis in Iran, Russia's already invaded Afghanistan, Soon, soon, soon, soon, soon, soon.
Oh but I can hardly wait for Jesus to return, For His returning my heart of yearn, I was asked this question, and the answer is, real soon.
[Verse 4:] Now the questions are Will I ever leave You, will I do Your will, and when will Jesus return No, and yes, and soon, soon, soon, soon. Will I ever leave You, will I do Your will, when will Jesus return; And the answer, no, and yes, and soon, soon, soon, soon.
Oh, if you've questioned when Christ is coming, The answer is soon.
How are you doing? I'm not sure what I want to say but… here goes.
This is your mummy, well the 22 and 3 day old version of me and as much as I know I will love you, I hope I don't get to meet you at least for the next 2 (…maybe 3) years. I'm not very ready for you just yet considering I currently haven't even met your daddy yet. Well I may have met him but have no idea/clue/desire for him to be your daddy just yet, who ever this guy is. Haha! It would actually be interesting to find out who it is if I already do know your daddy now. LOL.
Why am I writing to you? Honestly? Right now, I'm avoiding my algorithms homework due tomorrow morning at 1o:50am and its 9:23pm right now. But also I've got you on my mind. See, a good friend of mine goes on and on about how she can't wait for a baby and even says, "I want a baby now!" Once or twice I have felt the same way but I'm not sure I ever have with as much passion as she shows. She literally lights up when she sees a baby and by baby I mean anyone under 7 (?) years old. So it's because of her that you are on my mind as she coos at yet another baby. …Will I ever really feel that way?
I'm wondering whether I'd be a good mother to you. Will I have picked the right father for you? And by that I'm not necessarily talking about your biological father (though I hope he is the one in question), but the one I choose to act in that capacity. One will love you as much as I do. One who will love and protect us. One who will make us a family. Will I protect you with all I have? Will I introduce you to your creator and to His word and show you the way He wants you to live? Will I teach you respect and still be the first person you come to when you need to talk? (And baby, if you are a boy yes, I'm talking to you too.)
Maybe these are just the fantasies of a 22-year-old woman and tears fill my eyes as I write this though I cannot explain why. There are so many lessons I believe I'm yet to learn before I can teach them to you. So many attitudes I'm yet to develop and many more I'm yet to get rid of. So much anger I need to let go off. I have a long way to go in my walk with God. …There is a lot more growing up I have to do before I can get to meet you. And I do no think even now I could bear to give you away simply because I was not ready to receive you… You, the gift that God may choose to give to me personally? Lord forbid.
But when God finally decides it's the right time that we meet, my only prayer is that I be the best mother I can possibly be and give you all the love, support and care you need. (This is all mushy stuff, but baby I can tell you now though I'm not sparing that rod if you need it.)
Should difficult homework be what inspires these letter to you my love, I do believe this is simply the first of many to come. And like the responsible and sensible person I hope to be when you finally read I should get back to this homework…
Sigh… if I'm working in the computer science industry as you read this come give me a big hug. (Well, either way I want a hug after this.)
You see it all in my smile.
You hear it all in my laugh.
The way I walk, you hear me talk.
And know I'm no longer sad.
I got no reason to smile more now than I've ever had.
I open up my eyes and realize that nothing's quite that bad.
I've got a different approach to dealing with emotion.
Keeping control of my boat, while drifting on this ocean.
Keeping my head to the sky, keeping tears out of my eyes.
Unless happiness be the reason that I decide to cry.
And life's too short to dwell on all that's wrong.
Stand up now, stand up now and I promise not before long.
You'll be feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
So much better.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
Much better today.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
So much better.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
You're feeling so much better.
I know about down and out.
I know about when it gets tough.
Losing my fight, can't see the light.
And you just wanna give up.
I know about being depressed.
By needing someone to love.
I also know 'bout standing up and saying enough is enough.
Oh, I've got a different approach to dealing with emotion.
Keeping control of my boat, while drifting on this ocean.
Keeping my head to the sky, keeping tears out of my eyes.
Unless happiness be the reason I decide to cry.
And life's too short to dwell on all that's wrong.
Stand up now, stand up now and I promise not before long.
You'll be feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
So much better.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
Much better today.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
So much better.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
You're feeling so much better.
(Ohh whoa. Oh whoa, whoa)
(Oooh)
I feel like if I try, I could fly away right now.
All because I've finally found my smile.
(x2)
And you'll be feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
So much better.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
Much better today.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
So much better.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
You're feeling so much better.
Picking up the pieces, shutting it down. My anthem. I'll be feeling so much better today… and for a while to come. Much love for Ne-Yo.
Is there something outside of you that's troubling you? The distress you're feeling is not from the thing itself.
The distress you experience is from what you think of it and the way you feel about it. You can change that in an instant.
You can change what you fear into what you eagerly anticipate. You can change a burdensome problem into a magnificent opportunity.
The vast majority of all that happens in this enormous universe is out of your control. And yet with every bit of it, you can control what it means to you.
Do you fully realize how much power that gives you? Do you understand the unlimited nature of what you can do with whatever you have?
Just by the way you choose to accept and to make use of reality, you can bend that reality to empower your own unique purpose. See what is, accept what is, and use it to achieve your finest dreams.
-- Ralph Marston
What is it that I can do that would lead me to a place where I can find you?
What is it that I can say that would help me see and follow your way?
What is it that I should believe in to see the truths that are and have been?
What is it that I should feel to know that with you my wounds would heal?
When would I be able to say, "Its you, now, forever, any day?"
When would I believe without a doubt that you fill my heart inside and out?
When would I burst out in song because I finally know you after so long?
When would I truly surrender and acknowledge you only as my soul defender?
Which of these paths should I take and will you tell me when its a mistake?
Where may I seek and find your face, and find comfort in your embrace?
Who do I say that you are when I can hardly see you from so far?
Why do I feel so cold and alone as though I built my home in the arctic zone?
CAN YOU IMAGINE COMING HOME TO THIS EVERY NIGHT?? AND TO A TALL GORGEOUS GLASS OF HOT CHOCOLATE FOR A HUSBAND??? "Well cause you can't have no hag living in that house…"hehe, not my words, taken out of context but still. ref: http://architectureblog.tumblr.com/
Now why oh why would you not want to wake up in the morning, every morning to this?? Even a rainy morning would be sexy… really really. :) ref: http://thecoolhunter.net/architecture
Now those already long showers are about to get ssssoooooo much longer… mmmm (ooo I lost the link for this one! Sorry!)
Where you life is going? What you are meant to be doing? Why everyone seems to be getting ahead? Why homework is so bloody hard? Why nothing seems to be going right? …Where God is?
So I have a question for you… religious, spiritual, getting there, or not any more: What was your journey? What routes did you take? Proverbs and John? Church every Sunday? Everyday? Submerging yourself in the bible? What was it? For how long did you keep it up (for those who may have given up)? How did you change? What did you change?
How do you run on faith the size of a mustard seed? How did you manage to not doubt the capability of faith that size and didn't just give up (for those who are fulfilled … well more or less)?
It's meant to be easy… or rather not as difficult as quantum physics at least, but really then how… I'm not even sure what question I'm asking any more.
Jeremiah 29: 13 / Deut 4:29 How exactly would you define: "with all your heart"? Would it be when you do nothing but turn to God? How would you learn to that after not doing it for …forever? So big a turning point. And when you try and fail and you seem to not be moving forward how you are able to keep searching with all your heart?
Yes, yes, faith, belief, prayer… I've heard. But really how do you keep the doubt from crawling back into your heart and cleaning out not only the cobwebs but the light you are trying to get to shine in there? How do you handle people who seem to shut you out because you do not seem to on their level or do to seem to them to be trying to get there? I mean sure, be with your kind and those who understand you and do not be dragged down whatever yackedy schmack. But really. How do you get to a certain place when the examples you see are not the places you want to be or the others are places you cant seem to reach?
Ok, so these are just thoughts I'm pondering that are going over and over in my head and is all coming straight from there and therefore I doubt its making much sense what I am asking but if you understand and have an answer please do share.
I hope you are having a fantastic weekend though. You should check out the video in my previous post. It should make you at least smile.
KuiDee. P.S. So I meant I have QUESTIONS for you… plural as you may have realised… :) xx
...Moving on from that last post (I just decided I'd ignore it. I have too many things I need to spend my time on).
It was 2:40am Monday February 8th 2010. I was working on Algorithms homework (mad ass thing with a zillions thinking intensive questions and Lord knows I started on Saturday.) I'm thinking "I burnt out, I should catch some sleep and then continue." Roommates being asleep 3 hrs. I've been working by lamp, I turn this off, climb into bed.
As soon as my head hits the pillow and my eyes close my mind starts to spin:
Algorithms: "Open Doors" order of growth...Sieve of Eratosthenes... that should be it...wait...what?
That article for Mood is 12 pages long..
Oh no! I didn't do the reflection for Col. Intelligence.
Argh!! I have to read those 10 pages for 3D and then 9Highland AND THEN write that reflection paper
I have to get those comm. serv. apps in.
Shoot. Meeting with Andrew tonight.
iSA write ups, review, template designs. stress.. When did he want them again?
I have to get those recommendations in. Wait... when was that deadline??? OH [insert colourful phrase of choice here]!!!!!!
Oooohhhh, is it even worth bothering about it with this my GPA?
....sigh. Phone bill is due.
It doesn't end there.
Needless to say, I spent the next hour on the phone with my mother who tried to calm me down enough so she could at least hear what was wrong. This was my first breakdown of sorts... Sunday is around the corner. I have another date with Algorithms homework... but I'm in a conference all weekend. I started it Wednesday. Lord, I'm calling on you. Nothing is impossible...
From one of the blogs I follow. I'm patiently (impatiently?) waiting my turn to write my own… :D (Think about how we do NOTHING for Him. Yet His entire purpose is surrounded about us… *…Mind Blown…*)
FOOL FOR LOVE: She does nothing for me.
I’d say about 90% of the time, she does nothing. Literally. She simply lies there. She can’t tell me a joke or run an errand. She doesn’t ask me how I’m feeling or give me birthday presents. She can’t even roll over or lift her head.
But I love her.
She’s my daughter.
From the moment she shattered my 6-year-old understanding of what my family was and broke into my world, I was taken by her, smitten with an unconditional love. Pink and wiggly with eyes that could barely open, I knew that I would do anything for her. Forever. Even now, when she can do nothing for me.
So can’t talk or walk, clean up after herself, or help with dinner. She never changes her own clothes or gives herself a bath. She doesn’t care to let me sleep more than three hours at once or spend my free time on personal hobbies.
And yet I’m not angry because I love her.
She’s my daughter.
The best writers – especially those with a spiritual touch – have tried for ages to capture the definition of unconditional love. The limits of language only leave us with similes and metaphors for what such a love could be like. Omnipotent gods are said to love frail humanity with such a love, but being the object of unconditional love doesn’t quite make its reality clear in your mind. Maybe that’s the point. Because you can offer no reciprocal gift, you don’t quite realize that a transaction is even taking place.
Omnipotent gods don’t spit up on you when you just changed clothes or cry when they’re hungry in the middle of the night.
I held her in my arms and looked at her 8-hour-old face and knew that I loved her with a unique and unconditional love. She could do nothing for me. There was no material benefit she provided in my life, and still, I loved her.
My love for my wife – while unconditional now – was once predicated on attraction and compatibility. While dating, interests and conversations had to be aligned or appreciated before a mysterious, irrational, overwhelming love could swoop in and swaddle us. And now, nearly eight years after falling in love with her, we’ve created not just a baby who will look like us, but we’ve created a category of love that stands beyond us and consumes us, taking us to a point where we love like we’ve never loved before.
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Cheers,
Nan...
