Not Enough.

I'm not angry enough to punch a wall…No.
The last time I did that, the wall barely flinched
My anger went no where. Nothing changed.
Oh, no. Wait. I dented my ring.

I'm not restless enough to workout…
The last time [before last] I did that, I passed out.
Never saw that wall racing for my head.
Yes, I'm fine now. …Was fine then too.

I'm not upset enough to drown my pillow… No.
The last time I did that... was barely 24 hours ago.
There are no tears left in me.
Give me another glass of wine, first.

I'm not lonely enough ...Scratch that. I am.
No. I don't have a cat. I'm a dog person.

Therapy.

Five mins. I must have stood there, with my eyes closed, for five whole minutes, taking it all in before I remembered why I was there. Ironically enough, John Fluker's 'Life Begins' played, loud yet softly, off my tv. I opened up my eyes and blinked as the water splashed off my skin into them, lathered up my sponge and took a bath. No wonder my landlord is increasing my rent, can't shoulder these shower therapy session costs alone.

…I can almost hear you roll your eyes and think, "Dramatic much, K.D.?"

But… Dang, hitting the ground is going to hurt like a bloody female dog bitch.

The Princess and the Pea

There are peas under my mattress.
…No. Scratch that …I can make no such claims to delicacy.
For I am the  cracked soles of the bare feet the trekked miles over rugged terrain,
I am the calloused palms that tightly wield the machete passionately willing a response from the barren soil,
I am the knees that have darkened with the ashes they grind into the ground,
But more honestly, I am the pieces of my heart broken so often, the shards cut deep my fingers, refusing a mend.
Baring it all, I am the tears that illustrate on my cheeks the pain that conceived them, born in these eyes that fight to hide them.
I hesitate to speak because then you would know I will not… cannot feel the bumps in my mattress.
…But I'm afraid to lie down because rocks might be what replace those peas.

Friends…

Even the most beautiful of gems must first be carved out from the dusty, dirty earth.

The blog piece I started writing in place of this one could not be going further in the opposite direction. It was full of rage. Full of anger. I was pouring out my feelings because writing is usually the only why I know how to express them and get them to leave me alone and let me feel better. Be better. But what I was doing instead was holding on to the emotions; on the rage I felt and wouldn't let it go. I need to learn to let them go.

Fortunately, I had a friend send me this:

Sometimes we… I focus too much on the bad and tend to forget those things that are good or at least just enough. Those things I actually am trying to get on my feet to chase.

…Even then, "And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away."

Should you be able to loosely replace "right hand" with "'friend'" do not hesitate to cut it off and throw it away. I have hesitated and keep hesitating… lol. Soon enough I'll stop being a wuss and will pick up that axe.

It about time I crawled into bed.

xoxo.

Underneath these Clothes…

Naked I stood in the shower last night. With my eyes closed and my forehead on my arm against the wall, I stood, naked in the shower. Baring my all, tired of hiding beneath these clothing of lies and deceit. Tired of carrying the weight of these clothes on my shoulders and having them clinging to my skin and not letting me go. I try to take off these lies but they keep getting caught at my ankles, at my neck, around my wrists REFUSING TO LET ME GO!!

Leave me alone.

Naked I stood in the shower as I centered the high-pressured stream of water on the top my head trying, hoping, longing for the battle of thoughts of excuses of lies and of shame will be washed out or at least made clean. I asked for my forgiveness to come in the form of that stream of water I let bang on my head and run through my hair and on my skin. Slowly I turned up the heat. If I cannot washed these lies out I will BLOODY BOIL THEM OUT!!!!

Leave me alone.

Naked I stood in the shower, letting the stream of water carry the tears that streamed from my eyes to run over my heart

Forgive me.

Naked I stood in the shower. Never so hard has shampoo been kneaded into my scalp as I am trying to get the lies cleaned from the inside out. Never so hard, intentionally, has my skin been scraped as though trying to scoop out the disgusting deceit from my pores and flick the excuses from underneath my fingernails.

I finally turned off the shower and the water drip drip dripped from my hair, off my breasts and my fingertips, down my thighs and into the drain. I see it all wash away.

…But then after I'm dry again simply to remain in society's favour I open those drawers and put on those clothes once more to cover up my now clean nakedness.

Maybe I just need to throw those clothes in the shower too.

Please, forgive me…

Might just be PMS

Graciousness!

I just had one of those days (past 24hrs) where I've potentially experienced all the emotions there are to feel: Anger, pain, joy, irritation, indifference, excitement, anxiety, sadness, frustration, relief, exhaustion, fear, intimidation, diva-ness (hmmm I'm sure you understand), etc in no particular order. This is not a joke but please don't ask me to explain their origins because I really can't. All I can say is that each and everyone was caused by some person or the other, from some random truck driver to my co-workers to my best friend to Jamie Foxx (I had Just Like Me on repeat so I was happy lol).
And damnit I am WORN OUT and I haven't even done my workout yet.

My point?
I'm not sure I had one when I started this but here goes;
Ever so often I'm told "Don't let it get to you like that," or "Don't let [fill the blank] step on your happiness." But thinking back over the last 24hrs, why shouldn't I?
Why should I embrace enjoy and shut out pain? Or favour patience and peace over a good ol' rant and rave? Of course, one feels better than the other and others are more socially acceptable. But what would Daredevil be without the King Pin or whatever (annoying movie if you ask me)?
Or, taking it back, the three little pigs without the big bad wolf? Buffy without Angel? (But then again those two… hmmm).
What I'm trying to say is, and it is cliché but the good will never feel as good without the bad. We were not created to feel only the good things. So let yourself FEEL!! Feel all that there is to feel, at the very least you know you can and that you are well. Be grateful for that. I am. :)

Now on to Disturbia and plank jacks! huff!

Physical Emotions

What does it mean when emotions are so intense it becomes physical pain? What is going on inside?

When you are sad or in pain, tears would not seem out of place. Neither would they be too out of place if you were overcome with joy; or shock even. A laugh or excited dance would perfectly complement a person's happiness. These things, I can understand.

But …what is it when you are missing someone so badly, your chest (your heart?) feels as though it is shrinking and becoming tighter and tighter to the point you gasp for air; whether in shock or because your lungs forget how to work for a second, I don't know.
Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

…Maybe I just need to go to see a doctor. :S.