Not Enough.

I'm not angry enough to punch a wall…No.
The last time I did that, the wall barely flinched
My anger went no where. Nothing changed.
Oh, no. Wait. I dented my ring.

I'm not restless enough to workout…
The last time [before last] I did that, I passed out.
Never saw that wall racing for my head.
Yes, I'm fine now. …Was fine then too.

I'm not upset enough to drown my pillow… No.
The last time I did that... was barely 24 hours ago.
There are no tears left in me.
Give me another glass of wine, first.

I'm not lonely enough ...Scratch that. I am.
No. I don't have a cat. I'm a dog person.

The Princess and the Pea

There are peas under my mattress.
…No. Scratch that …I can make no such claims to delicacy.
For I am the  cracked soles of the bare feet the trekked miles over rugged terrain,
I am the calloused palms that tightly wield the machete passionately willing a response from the barren soil,
I am the knees that have darkened with the ashes they grind into the ground,
But more honestly, I am the pieces of my heart broken so often, the shards cut deep my fingers, refusing a mend.
Baring it all, I am the tears that illustrate on my cheeks the pain that conceived them, born in these eyes that fight to hide them.
I hesitate to speak because then you would know I will not… cannot feel the bumps in my mattress.
…But I'm afraid to lie down because rocks might be what replace those peas.

"Boredom kills…" I can see the truth in that.

Could it truly be that I am refusing to see what it is that right under my nose?

Does dust and do scales cloud my eyes,

And reduce everything around me to a disguise?

So much so that I am unable to see

All the opportunities that lay before me?

The summer has begun and by the eternal string of scratches on the prison walls of my mind, it has already gone on for far to long. The days drag on as the trees slowly grow endless shadows behind them, just as my feet, too, drag on as my spirit wears downs and leaves its pieces behind me. The warm summer nights and even warmer summer days refuse to bend to offer even the smallest of condolences by way of a break of the monotonous drone that is my day. It does not bother to offer a cool day, grayed by the rain, as a simple means by which to engage my brain.

Curse the morning sun that drags me into one more day of reaping the nothing that I sowed… The day wears on.

Lord forbid I eventually think pulling out my hair might be somewhat engaging…

Dear Mama…

It’s been a long time that we’ve been together
And not too long ago it seemed like forever
Now I’m so far away and its time that you know
I wish that time would rewind and go little more slow
I miss those days when I was shorter than you
When boys, bills and books were not an issue
Those days I was shown “sense” when I tried to stray
And you’d say “I love you baby so this is the right way”
And now the time has come for me to be
The best that I can on my own you see.
Now I have to be the director of my own show
But I’m so proud I have you to show me the way to go
You were my first and best birthday gift ever
God must really love me to make you my mother
And as He chose you to give me life
I pray He uses me to get you through strife
You are always in my heart and metaphorically by my side
I love you to death mummy and that I could never hide

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!!! ☺

KuiDee
05/09/09 7:30pm

Rededicated: 05/09/10

So many questions…

What is it that I can do that would lead me to a place where I can find you?
What is it that I can say that would help me see and follow your way?
What is it that I should believe in to see the truths that are and have been?
What is it that I should feel to know that with you my wounds would heal?

When would I be able to say, "Its you, now, forever, any day?"
When would I believe without a doubt that you fill my heart inside and out?
When would I burst out in song because I finally know you after so long?
When would I truly surrender and acknowledge you only as my soul defender?

Which of these paths should I take and will you tell me when its a mistake?
Where may I seek and find your face, and find comfort in your embrace?
Who do I say that you are when I can hardly see you from so far?
Why do I feel so cold and alone as though I built my home in the arctic zone?

My revolution is mine.

Your revolution will not blind these dark brown eyes

Your revolution will not contribute to my demise

Your revolution will not happen between these thighs

Because my revolution will not believe your lies!

Underneath these Clothes…

Naked I stood in the shower last night. With my eyes closed and my forehead on my arm against the wall, I stood, naked in the shower. Baring my all, tired of hiding beneath these clothing of lies and deceit. Tired of carrying the weight of these clothes on my shoulders and having them clinging to my skin and not letting me go. I try to take off these lies but they keep getting caught at my ankles, at my neck, around my wrists REFUSING TO LET ME GO!!

Leave me alone.

Naked I stood in the shower as I centered the high-pressured stream of water on the top my head trying, hoping, longing for the battle of thoughts of excuses of lies and of shame will be washed out or at least made clean. I asked for my forgiveness to come in the form of that stream of water I let bang on my head and run through my hair and on my skin. Slowly I turned up the heat. If I cannot washed these lies out I will BLOODY BOIL THEM OUT!!!!

Leave me alone.

Naked I stood in the shower, letting the stream of water carry the tears that streamed from my eyes to run over my heart

Forgive me.

Naked I stood in the shower. Never so hard has shampoo been kneaded into my scalp as I am trying to get the lies cleaned from the inside out. Never so hard, intentionally, has my skin been scraped as though trying to scoop out the disgusting deceit from my pores and flick the excuses from underneath my fingernails.

I finally turned off the shower and the water drip drip dripped from my hair, off my breasts and my fingertips, down my thighs and into the drain. I see it all wash away.

…But then after I'm dry again simply to remain in society's favour I open those drawers and put on those clothes once more to cover up my now clean nakedness.

Maybe I just need to throw those clothes in the shower too.

Please, forgive me…

University Avenue Woes.

At least twice a week I have to head out for my appointment with the chiropractor on University Avenue. If I'd just missed the bus that goes by there, I'd get there quicker than waiting for the next, and since I love walking 15 mins is not a big deal, especially with the sun out and my swagger on! :) Oh but everything I see, has a price.
Damn.

These are my Uni Ave Woes:

I hate it when all you see is this my “pretty face,”
Then honk and holler and be all up in my space.
I hate how you assume you can make me fall,
Undressing me with your eyes with no shame at all.

I hate when you assume you must be a very smooth guy
‘Cus then you should know I’m gonna walk on by
I hate it when you’re in my face, saying you want to talk
Going straight into “Slow it baby, I’m loving that cat walk.”

I hate when I cringe you think “Ooo that was a smile,”
And quickly make that yard an uncomfortable mile.
I hate that you say, thinking your mind is mature and complex,
“Baby, you walk sexy, you talk sexy, you could be my next ex.”

Damn! Fool.

I’d love it instead if you had style and smile and show yourself to be
A man with a heart not a blood-filled “D” throbbing for my “V”
And reach for my hand not thinking of what’s between my thighs
And say “I think I see a beautiful soul smile behind these beautiful eyes.”

Dreams (Twilight inspired)

So I wrote this piece a long time ago, around the time my sister was making read the Twilight series. LOL, so as she refuses to let me forget. This was indirectly inspired by her.

May He hold you in His embrace.
KD.

Dreams - Ruddi

The moonlight kissed and caressed the clearing;
The nighttime sounds hummed a magical melody
And the trees seemed to sway with its rhythm.
Cradled by soft grass, I lay in the middle of the clearing
Smiling up at the night sky as the wind cooed in my ear.
Enjoying the peace, serenity and hominess of the setting
I wondered what could possibly make this more perfect.
As though I had said that out loud, he stepped into the light
A wide smile on his face that reached his twinkling eyes
I looked up at him from where I lay and dared not move.
Impossible…His cannot be the same face…not here…
My heart raced out of control and my hopes ready to fly
I knew this man; I’d seen him almost every day for years
Wandering the smoky scenes of my dreams, just beyond reach,
Then he spoke; his voice flowed creamily out of his mouth
Mesmerizing me with its deep, silky quality
I blinked, my mind blank without a ghost of thought
I had not heard what he said and it apparently showed
He, laughing, held out his hand reaching for mine
Locking my eyes with his, I placed my hand in his open one
Then my head on his shoulder and his head lay on mine
The music swelled about us and we swayed to it
I sighed my content as we danced, oblivious of the world
The seconds slipped into minutes and minutes into hours
Time held no consequence as we stayed cocooned in our embrace
Until the lights of dawn began to spill over the horizon
Knowing the end threatened I held on tighter
“Don’t leave me here… please,” I whispered my plea
He smiled, sadly this time, his palm against my cheek
Slowly he lowered his head till his lips met mine
Suddenly the sun seemed reluctant to miss the moment
It burst out from beyond the horizon flooding the clearing with light
I opened my eyes and I was alone; my bed no longer welcoming
Enjoying the lingering effect of the dream, I smiled
Enveloped in the magical melody that flowed over my soul.
…You may only be in my mind, but till you aren’t I’ll dream.