Guest Post! : Lust, Love & Living

It's a couple days to the new year!!! 2012! Dang, the year went by so fast… but Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all!! (I dislike the generic "Happy Holidays" wish. Forgive my political incorrectness.) ANYHU! To round up the year, here is a new post for y'all written by my very own 'Sanchez'! A good friend of mine, the reason for which you'd probably get by the end of this post. (If you do let me know, yea?)  Enjoy: 

Lust, Love & Living

A few days ago, a friend of mine chose to change his display picture for the entire day. Instead of his scruffy mug, I was pleasantly greeted by this rather pretty female face when i visited his profile (did i say 'pretty'? She was HOT). As the day progressed, he changed these pictures frequently, but always of the same girl. They depicted various time periods, locations, and different levels of intriguing poses. The day's slideshow culminated in a rather touching scene of them holding on to each other on the beach.

Oh yeah, I should mention that my friend has been going out with the same woman since high school. And those weren't pictures of his girlfriend.

Initially, I was surprised. Had they broken up? No, last I checked they'd been going out the week before; too soon for these pictures to spring up. Or had he been cheating on her and she found out? Maybe this was plainly an innocent prank or dare?

So I did what any guy would do. I asked him who the hot babe in the pictures was! “Oh, that’s my side chic, it’s her b’day today,” he replied. ‘Ah, it’s only his side chick, makes sense now,’ I thought and dropped the issue… but considering I’m writing about it, it’s pretty clear the matter hasn’t stayed on the floor so to speak.

Now, I do not presume to question my friend’s (or anyone else’s) actions or cast myself as an expert in the field of relationships. He’s managed his relationship for over 5 years and I have barely had one that lasted longer than…yeah, so I’m not judging him. It’s just that the concept of side chicks, booty calls, friends with benefits, (call them what you may) has both confused and fascinated me growing up. What would cause a man to seek comforts outside the relationship he willingly places himself in? Assuming the relationship is a sexual one, why would a man currently going out with one woman have another woman (or other women)?

Maybe it’s a need to explore until we are finally hitched. Some men believe that only through marriage t are hooked to one girl and, until the ring is on her finger and the vows have been exchanged, they are not strictly tied down to one particular women. In that sense the ‘official girl’ is marriage material, someone we identify as a life partner…eventually. We ‘hold onto’ them because we know their worth and don’t want other guys coming for her (yes, this sounds possessive. And it is, no matter how much we deny it). Until they are tied to this official girl, some men would tend to look out for other women.

Men also want women who are able to satisfy their fantasies. The “lady in the sheets, but a freak in the sheets” quote is not just a line people. Of course, the ideal woman does not exist (and yes, neither does the ideal man) but porn magazines and web sites (and sneaking into the girls shower) give men a good idea of what they are attracted to physically and what they want/like even without the experience to back it. The next step of course would be to actually gain such experience…and sometimes just one girl won’t do.

So whose fault is it that men cheat? Well, the guys, of course…but maybe the main woman in the relationship shares some of the blame as well. If you take your man for granted, don’t make him feel wanted/ needed/ useful, etc. it wouldn’t be hard to see why males would want to search elsewhere for someone that makes them feel special. It’s simple a simple rule both sexes follow: The less loved one feels, the more likely cheating shall occur.

I’m guessing this entire piece could possibly work the other way round, (Why do women cheat on their boyfriends?) but I’d like to share something before I get (even more) long-winded. This is a TED Talk by Helen Fisher about love in general, and specifically about why people fall in love and cheat. I’d say 7:00 to 7:45 are probably most insightful to this post but you should really listen to the entire talk: 

Why We Love / Cheat

Lights, Thoughts, Action!

A weird feeling, this is. I’m not sure what it is exactly. I’m not sure about the “what” or “why” or “who” this feeling is for or about or even against. I’m just not sure…

Maybe I am, but don’t really want to be? Or maybe, I’m not because there are so may why’s and what if’s and confused smiley faces like these --- > :S.

But, either which way, I’m not sure what to do with these feelings. And therein, my biggest problem lies. I think way too much compared to the fact that I almost always do nothing about it. You would think hope that a lot of thinking would lead to at least some minimal action. No. No, that is not the case with me. My thinking is like the heat that a laptop generates. It’s a by-product of this functioning but really does nothing for the world (except burn your lap if that’s where it happens to be sitting (the laptop specifically, not my thoughts…) and that’s not a good feeling). I believe Thought should always inspire action. Always. Well active, useful Thought of course. You can’t really do anything, if you are daydreaming about Dr. Jackson Avery, now, can you?

*Continues daydreaming for a minute longer…* 

ANYWAY! Like I was saying… 

I feel as though so many brilliant ideas, opportunities, experiences, and inventions even, are lost because no action comes of Thoughts. There could be so much more that one would be able to speak on…but isn’t, because… well… it stayed in your my head…

So, I still am not sure exactly what this feeling is. Though I think I may have an idea of the what/who. I might even have a why… Might. Does it inspire action? Well, I’ll let you know.

Let it be noted though, that I’m on the fence about whether decisive inaction still counts as action. Thoughts?

xx
K.D.

If Mufasa were a man...

Oh, what a man he would be.

See this with me if you will.

Powerful simply by the respect that he commanded. Respect that obviously bore root in his kindness. Love, was easily given... shared; but discipline and correction did not fall to the wayside. He gave guidance and taught lessons. He ruled everything the sunlight touched (and even the elephant graveyard. You don't scare people in their own territory if you don't have that authority.) He protected, without a second thought, what belonged to him. Seized his responsibilities by the scuff of their neck. He was a defender... he died saving his child.... His children. He was King.

It dawns on me that if Mufasa were a man... he'd be Jesus. Then he'd be God.

Mufasa said Simba had forgotten him and therefore had forgotten who he was and what his duties and responisibilities were. Simba had a difficult time letting go of his past, and seeing his father in his own reflection.

All he needed was a reminder. He fought his enemy and won. Scar burned in the fire...

I'm sure you see what I'm saying here.

We all need reminders sometimes, of who we are and Who we belong to and Who we can rely on. To Whom we ought to pledge our allegience and lives. And thank You Lord that You can give us these reminders in places as simple as a cartoon.

I saw Lion King 3D this past weekend. And it has to be the best animated movie ever. I recited the lines and sang the songs right along with the movie. Then I tried to picture Mufasa as human, of course. I listed all the attributes that I thought made this penciled in lion appealling and I came to the word "defender" and that's where my reminder came.

(Phillipians 4: 6-7)
...That's all folks.

Common Courtesy

Mind your P's and Q's, help a struggling person with their [insert plural noun here], hold the door open for the person behind you (when the situation allows it), etc. There are so many rules that we have heard over the years about common courtesy. Perhaps, I use the word "common" too loosely and herein arrive at my point(s).  Courtesy is not common at all. More often than not, people are left to fend for themselves and have gotten so used to it that offered help or courtesy seems …suspicious.

Case 1: An old lady walking into my apartment building, was carrying what were very clearly, heavy bags in both arms. I offered her help. She quickly declined it. Then, considering she was ahead of me, she reached the door first. I side stepped her so I could unlock the door and hold it open. She slowly picked up her bags (which she had put down in a move to open the door herself… 0_o) and walked into the building. Not that I care that she appreciated it or not, but rather that really was the most awkward return home I have ever had, and considering I'm the kind to squirm at awkwardness on TV... well you can imagine. I'm not about to do that again soon.

Case 2: I have been at my new job for almost 2 months now and it's going well, thank you for asking. The people are friendly and very helpful and work is going smoothly (save the part that I actually need to ask for work to do to make my chargeable hours… anyways!) There is this one guy who I've worked with a couple times… He is the nicest person I have ever met.  Ever so often, I'd hear that phase and I'd think "yeah, so 'ever' means perhaps the last 2 hours, right?" But now, I see how that phase can be true. This guy has his own work load but would spend time drafting comprehensive instructions on how to do my work and walk through it with me. He'd pause what he's doing to answer my (numerous) questions AND help me find more work to do when I'm done. Even when 'stressed' he's still pretty cheerful all the time. He recently achieved a goal of his, so our manager took us to lunch and bought him a cake. This guy offered to pay and insisted on sharing the cake (like, he wouldn't take "no"). This time around, I was the suspicious one. I had to ask my manager later if he really was like that aaaaallllllll the time. The answer: Yes (at work anyway). Let's just say, I can work with this. :)

Now, both examples are related to human/physical interaction. In this generation though, it's all about the "e-nteraction."  But even there, there's got to be courtesy, right? Apparently not.

Included in my definition of online courtesy is responding to questions asked. Fortunately or unfortunately, there is evidence of the question asked (so no, "I didn't hear you" excuses) and if you talk about blackberries, there is even confirmation for the delivery and receipt of said communication. So, question sent, question read, answer…? ain't even pending. Hoh.

And I know I'm not the only one irked by this, as there is some courtesy left in some places...

The Do's and Don'ts of Walking Downtown…

This list shall, of course, be updated as I learn these things myself.
My source? Experience and the frigging heebie jeebies.
Lego!

1. Do NOT take off your cardigan no matter how warm it's getting. If you must, first check who could potentially catch up with you if they wanted to.  (Of course if your pits underarms are the source of the niagra falls…chale feel free.)
1b. Do NOT slow down.
2. DO keep your personal security item of choice, from pepper spray to alarms, in plain view. Celebrate it, twirl it, point with it if you must.
3. Do NOT give in. Repeat after me, "I think my phone number likes me better, it wants to stay with me."
4. DO wash your hands when you get home! Ugh.

Here's a question for you though… DO or do NOT pay attention to "them"?
I'm always torn because I'm worried if I utterly ignore them they might bore and like …jump me or something… O_O.
(From a safe distance diieeer, hoh, my friend, I'm not the cat you think you're calling.)

Disclaimer: If, of course, you ARE happy with whatever situation you are in and WOULD like a repeat of it with the added bonus of your CONSENT, please do not listen to me. Also…I can't guarantee this will work.

:D

Road Blocks

I have a lot of issues I deal with, and depending on who you ask, they'll agree. But I think my biggest issue, one that rears it's head over and over again, is pride.

I have never been the most social of people. I'm the one who'd leave happy hour early to go watch a movie (on my own) or lounge about with the sax playing as I skype the 1 person out of 54 on the contact list. I'd sooner text than call and I do not mind my own company (or so I try to make myself believe). As a result I have numerous "Hello, Hi's" that stay just that way. My friends who I would call and I can talk to, I can count on one hand and I wouldn't even need my 6th finger stub... Why? I'm not sure but it sure doesn't help my pride. In fact, I think it's fed it.

It's fed my pride, because it is the most difficult thing on earth sometimes to ask for help (for me at least). Everyone needs to ask for help. Doesn't matter who you are. But asking is easiest when you KNOW that you can. When you can anticipate (and you are very certain of) your helper's position on being willing to offer it.

It's easier to ask a friend for help / a favour because you know they wouldn't mind or even find they do, they like you enough to at least offer ideas on an alternative solution (right?). But when your friends number a handful, 80% of whom are hundreds of miles away… well, the world can be a very frustrating place. It's even worse when you can't bring yourself to believe that the Jack and Jacob "really wouldn't mind helping you out," so you can't ask because you don't want to put them out.

Result? You burn out the one person you probably CAN ask favours from, then think "OMDz I must be such a pest. I'm gonna stop asking and do this on my own." Frustration builds (a lucky few discover a remarkable ability to be resourceful). All for the lack of built and sustained relationships, pride becomes the limitless b**** leading you down a dark alley with an inconspicuous open manhole.

Some solutions must be obvious to you, right?
Sustain the relationships!
Ask, you never know.
Re-prioritise,
Drink more at happy hour?

Well… I am writing this post now, no?

No end in sight.

I have been MIA. Forgive me. A girl's been busy. Or trying anyway. I officially started proper work yesterday with EY after 2 weeks of training. Tiring.
Here's the jist. From day one: Tuesday Aug 2.

In office at 9, dressed in my short-sleeved gray skirt suit sporting a pale yellow tank underneath (EY pride ya know :D) 1.25 hr intro to the office, met various peoples, had lunch, went home. Lovely.
Now. 6 hrs later. 1 hr flight to Chicago for the rest of the week for 8 hrs of orientation a day! But why?! Last time I did that was when? JSS? A good number of us remembered those impromptu college afternoon naps… I must say the very first session was fantastic! And the hotel! And the new hire get togethers! Sushi! Sigh. Then came another flight back "home" on Friday night; only to fly out AGAIN on Sunday also till Friday. This time orientation went hard (and half over my head)! (And again that hotel! :D)

But anyhu. The official first day went great, I was given stuff to do and I did it all in good time and did it well (in my opinion; though my senior was like *shrug*) and then day two came along and it dragged like a pink and yellow raggedy ann doll pulled along by a little girl too short to hold it off the ground…

Holstee Manifesto …Share your Passion.

Source: Holstee

Who am I?

SO! In the grand scheme of things… I am currently doing nothing with my life.
Sure I just finished 4 years of college and I'm about to start work in 2.5 weeks and I have been "working" for 1.5… but currently I'm doing nothing… well except surfing the net. Where some things (on Twitter) caught my eye:

• "Lawyer, beggar, hero, blogger, social activist, and local demonstrator (keep your coins, I WANT CHANGE)" - @HeavnsMandate
• "Student, writer, thinker. Doer-in-the-making. Currently practicing my web-fu." - @LeGyare
• "Visual designer & creativity addict. #Print #web #inspiration #socialmedia, #innovation #typography #UX #advertising #strategy with a side of sassy." - @Grinblo
• "A thinker, a dreamer, a teacher & a professional non-achiever..." - @elidot
• "Digital Disciple, Advertising Geek, Thinker, Reader, Writer, Talker." - @oBiii

Note: The rationale here is if the account is not protected, including names is fine… right?

These are the Bio sections of people who I follow/who followed me, or whose bios simply caught my eye. Notice the pattern? Each of them are a number of things (other than "thinkers"). A number of self-defining things… Things that are important to them, or at least I'm assuming are important enough to include in a bio. What does mine say? 

"One love, one God, one way." - @KuiDee

I must confess now, though, that it started out as "One mind, one heart, one love" from Trey Songz's "One Love." It changed at the beginning of the year… I think. So it's importance, despite the words, has been somewhat adulterated…

The point I'm trying to make with this overtly verbose post is that, if there were a standard to composing Twitter bios, and that standard was to list all the things that you are which are important to you, I'm not sure I would be able to meet the criteria. I have heard from a number: new friends, old friends, family, that I have done things I should be proud of and I should "stop being so modest". But I do not think of myself as being, by definition, "moderate in the estimation of [my] abilities or achievements." 

Either way, I still wouldn't know what to include in my list of social, intellectual or creative ability / position markers. I have been alive for over 2 decades (bloody hell), a good chuck of this time has been spent by others teaching, molding, building, encouraging and loving me. Longing for some beautiful amalgamation of it all, which I am currently incapable of condensing into a single line bio…

So. 

What have I done/do I do that I feel is self-defining? 

That overlaps with being important enough? 

For which I can be, definitively, modest?

Better still, who am I? 

Thought I'd Share…

Things that make my toes curl with joy. :D It shall be periodically updated.

12/30/10
XXX vitamin water, hugs, sleep, lavender, fresh laundry, arms… did I say arms?, tactile bass music, Worthy, love, jazz, computers, friends, Ghana, cute old people, water, purple, suits, men in suits, books, dance, Neyo, laughter, mud between my toes, first snow fall, smiles, my parents, THE SAXOPHONE!, eskimo kisses, txt msgs, Apple computers, new gadgets, singing, kisses, kelewele, puppies!, cute babies, shiny cars, british accents, new friends, iStandAbove, old emails,
02/19/11
just-outta-the-shower freshness, men wearing Axe's Dark Temptation, flirting, fried chicken, waakye!, chocolate!, fleece blankets, stuffed dogs, Ghanaian jama!, tigers,
03/29/11
rain, thunder storms, warm blankets, hot chocolate, a cold Coke, steamed broccoli, cuddles, teddy bears, sweaters, scarfs, thick socks on wooden floors, amazing houses, warm showers, fluffy warm towels, bedtime, music that sings my mood,
04/3/11
a just cleaned room, God's love, sunshine, I Believe, comments on my posts!, good conversation, RIBENA!, I mentioned arms already right?, beauty, cake,
06/25/11
being surrounded by green nature, tree houses like this,

Easier To Run

It's a scary place to be where you are 95% sure that it's truly only paper that would listen… Scarier still when you know there are eyes that would hear… There is some comfort in knowing someone else eloquently (though incensed maybe) penned [some of] the up, downs and curves of the letters and words that you can't seem to purge. Thanks to Linkin Park for the help…

---

It's easier to run

Replacing this pain with something numb

It's so much easier to go

Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me

The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see

Wounds so deep they never show they never go away

Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played

[Bridge]

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)

(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)

(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)

(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)

(I would take all my shame to the grave)

[Chorus]

It's easier to run

Replacing this pain with something numb

It's so much easier to go

Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past

Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have

Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back

And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

[Bridge]

Just washing it aside

All of the helplessness inside

Pretending I don't feel misplaced

It's so much simpler than change

[Chorus]

It's easier to run

[Bridge]

Hello love…

I watched this video: A Father's Love and it came with references, so I went and took them and read them for myself directly as they were written. Here it is, word for word from His own heart. This is RATHER long, so please watch the video instead if you want (it's 6 mins). Reading it just made it… more real(?) to me. :) (using God's Word Translation.)

Dear child,

Psalm 139: 1-3
1 For the choir director; a psalm by David. O Lord, you have examined me, and you know me.2 You alone know when I sit down and when I get up.You read my thoughts from far away.3 You watch me when I travel and when I rest.You are familiar with all my ways.

Matthew 10: 29 – 31
29 “Aren’t two sparrows sold for a penny? Not one of them will fall to the ground without your Father’s permission.30 Every hair on your head has been counted. 31 Don’t be afraid! You are worth more than many sparrows. 

Genesis 1: 27
27 So God created humans in his image.In the image of God he created them.He created them male and female.

Acts 17: 28
28 Certainly, we live, move, and exist because of him. As some of your poets have said, ‘We are God’s children.’

Jeremiah 1: 4-5
4 The Lord spoke his word to me,5 “Before I formed you in the womb,I knew you.Before you were born,I set you apart for my holy purpose.I appointed you to be a prophet to the nations.”

Ephesians 1: 11 – 12
11 God also decided ahead of time to choose us through Christ according to his plan, which makes everything work the way he intends. 12 He planned all of this so that we who had already focused our hope on Christ would praise him and give him glory.

Psalm 139: 15 – 16
15 My bones were not hidden from youwhen I was being made in secret,when I was being skillfully woven in an underground workshop.16 Your eyes saw me when I was only a fetus.Every day of my life was recorded in your bookbefore one of them had taken place.

Acts 17: 26
26 From one man he has made every nation of humanity to live all over the earth. He has given them the seasons of the year and the boundaries within which to live.

Psalm 139: 14
14 I will give thanks to youbecause I have been so amazingly and miraculously made.Your works are miraculous, and my soul is fully aware of this.

Psalm 139: 13
13 You alone created my inner being.You knitted me together inside my mother.

Psalm 71: 6
6 I depended on you before I was born.You took me from my mother’s womb.My songs of praise constantly speak about you.

John 8: 41- 44
41 You’re doing what your father does.”
The Jews said to Jesus, “We’re not illegitimate children. God is our only Father.”42 Jesus told them, “If God were your Father, you would love me. After all, I’m here, and I came from God. I didn’t come on my own. Instead, God sent me.43 Why don’t you understand the language I use? Is it because you can’t understand the words I use?44 You come from your father, the devil, and you desire to do what your father wants you to do. The devil was a murderer from the beginning. He has never been truthful. He doesn’t know what the truth is. Whenever he tells a lie, he’s doing what comes naturally to him. He’s a liar and the father of lies.

1 John 4: 16;
16 We have known and believed that God loves us. God is love. Those who live in God’s love live in God, and God lives in them.

1 John 3:1
1 Consider this: The Father has given us his love. He loves us so much that we are actually called God’s dear children. And that’s what we are. For this reason the world doesn’t recognize us, and it didn’t recognize him either.

Matthew 7:11;
11 Even though you’re evil, you know how to give good gifts to your children. So how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask him?

1 John 5: 48
48 That is why you must be perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect.

James 1: 17
17 Every good present and every perfect gift comes from above, from the Father who made the sun, moon, and stars. The Father doesn’t change like the shifting shadows produced by the sun and the moon.

Matthew 6: 31-33
31 “Don’t ever worry and say, ‘What are we going to eat?’ or ‘What are we going to drink?’ or ‘What are we going to wear?’32 Everyone is concerned about these things, and your heavenly Father certainly knows you need all of them. 33 But first, be concerned about his kingdom and what has his approval. Then all these things will be provided for you.

Jeremiah 29:11
11 I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord. They are plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you a future filled with hope.

Jeremiah 31:3
3 The Lord appeared to me in a faraway place and said,“I love you with an everlasting love.So I will continue to show you my kindness.

Psalm 139: 17-18
17 How precious are your thoughts concerning me, O God!How vast in number they are!18 If I try to count them,there would be more of them than there are grains of sand.When I wake up, I am still with you.

Zephaniah 3: 17
17 TheLord your God is with you.He is a hero who saves you.He happily rejoices over you,renews you with his love,and celebrates over you with shouts of joy.

Jeremiah 32: 40
40 I will make an eternal promiset to them that I will never stop blessing them. I will make them fear me so that they will never turn away from me.

Exodus 19: 5
5 If you carefully obey me and are faithful to the terms of my promise,t then out of all the nations you will be my own special possession, even though the whole world is mine.

Jeremiah 32: 41
41 I will enjoy blessing them. With all my heart and soul I will faithfully plant them in this land.

Jeremiah 33: 3
3 Call to me, and I will answer you. I will tell you great and mysterious things that you do not know

Deuteronomy 4: 29
29 But if you look for the Lord your God when you are among those nations, you will find him whenever you search for him with all your heart and with all your soul.

Psalm 37: 4
4 Be happy with the Lord,and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Philippians 2: 13
13 It is God who produces in you the desires and actions that please him.

Ephesians 3:20
20 Glory belongs to God, whose power is at work in us. By this power he can do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine.

2 Thessalonians 2: 16-17
16 God our Father loved us and by his kindnesst gave us everlasting encouragement and good hope. Together with our Lord Jesus Christ, 17 may he encourage and strengthen you to do and say everything that is good.

2 Corinthians 1: 3-4
3 Praise the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! He is the Father who is compassionate and the God who gives comfort.4 He comforts us whenever we suffer. That is why whenever other people suffer, we are able to comfort them by using the same comfort we have received from God.

Psalm 34:18
18 The Lord is near to those whose hearts are humble.He saves those whose spirits are crushed.

Isaiah 40:11
11 Like a shepherd he takes care of his flock.He gathers the lambs in his arms.He carries them in his arms.He gently helps the sheep and their lambs.

Revelation 21:3-4
3 I heard a loud voice from the throne say, “God lives with humans! God will make his home with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There won’t be any more death. There won’t be any grief, crying, or pain, because the first things have disappeared.”

John 17: 23
23 I am in them, and you are in me. So they are completely united. In this way the world knows that you have sent me and that you have loved them in the same way you have loved me.

John 17: 26
26 I have made your name known to them, and I will make it known so that the love you have for me will be in them and I will be in them.”

Hebrews 1:3
3 His Son is the reflection of God’s glory and the exact likeness of God’s being. He holds everything together through his powerful words. After he had cleansed people from their sins, he received the highest position, the one next to the Father in heaven.

Romans 8:31
31 What can we say about all of this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 

2 Corinthians 5: 18-19
18 God has done all this. He has restored our relationship with him through Christ, and has given us this ministry of restoring relationships.19 In other words, God was using Christ to restore his relationship with humanity. He didn’t hold people’s faults against them, and he has given us this message of restored relationships to tell others.

1 John 4: 10
10 This is love: not that we have loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the payment for our sins.

Romans 8: 31-32
31 What can we say about all of this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 God didn’t spare his own Son but handed him over to death for all of us. So he will also give us everything along with him.

1 John 2: 23
23 Everyone who rejects the Son doesn’t have the Father either. The person who acknowledges the Son also has the Father.

Romans 8: 38- 39
38 I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love which Christ Jesus our Lord shows us. We can’t be separated by death or life, by angels or rulers, by anything in the present or anything in the future, by forces 39 or powers in the world above or in the world below, or by anything else in creation.

Luke 15: 7
7 I can guarantee that there will be more happiness in heaven over one person who turns to God and changes the way he thinks and acts than over 99 people who already have turned to God and have his approval.”

Ephesians 3: 14-15
14 This is the reason I kneel in the presence of the Father 15 from whom all the family in heaven and on earth receives its name.

John 1: 12-13
12 However, he gave the right to become God’s children to everyone who believed in him. 13 These are people who haven’t been born in a physical way—from a human impulse or from a husband’s desire to have a child. Their birth was from God.

Luke 15: 11 -32
11 Then Jesus said, “A man had two sons. 12 The younger son said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the property.’ So the father divided his property between his two sons. 13 “After a few days, the younger son gathered his possessions and left for a country far away from home. There he wasted everything he had on a wild lifestyle.14 He had nothing left when a severe famine spread throughout that country. He had nothing to live on.15 So he got a job from someone in that country and was sent to feed pigs in the fields. 16 No one in the country would give him any food, and he was so hungry that he would have eaten what the pigs were eating.
17 “Finally, he came to his senses. He said, ‘How many of my father’s hired men have more food than they can eat, while I’m starving to death here?18 I’ll go at once to my father, and I’ll say to him, “Father, I’ve sinned against heaven and you.19 I don’t deserve to be called your son anymore. Make me one of your hired men.” ’

20 “So he went at once to his father. While he was still at a distance, his father saw him and felt sorry for him. He ran to his son, put his arms around him, and kissed him. 21 Then his son said to him, ‘Father, I’ve sinned against heaven and you. I don’t deserve to be called your son anymore. 22 “The father said to his servants, ‘Hurry! Bring out the best robe, and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf, kill it, and let’s celebrate with a feast. 24 My son was dead and has come back to life. He was lost but has been found.’ Then they began to celebrate.
25 “His older son was in the field. As he was coming back to the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 He called to one of the servants and asked what was happening. 27 “The servant told him, ‘Your brother has come home. So your father has killed the fattened calf to celebrate your brother’s safe return.’28 “Then the older son became angry and wouldn’t go into the house. His father came out and begged him to come in. 29 But he answered his father, ‘All these years I’ve worked like a slave for you. I’ve never disobeyed one of your commands. Yet, you’ve never given me so much as a little goat for a celebration with my friends. 30 But this son of yours spent your money on prostitutes, and when he came home, you killed the fattened calf for him.’31 “His father said to him, ‘My child, you’re always with me. Everything I have is yours.
32 But we have something to celebrate, something to be happy about. This brother of yours was dead but has come back to life. He was lost but has been found.’ ”

Love,
Dad (Almighty, in case you forget, as usual)

Skylight

Tonight is one of those nights. One of those nights that you just kinda lie back and stare at the ceiling stars.
In a perfect world, you I would be lying somewhere significantly above the ground, like a penthouse, or attic with a skylight, I'd even take a tree. I'd lie back without a care in the world. No one and nothing to disturb the serenity of that everlasting moment. Of course, in a perfect world, that moment would be everlasting.

And then what…

It's raining right now. I love it considering I usually fall asleep to rainymood. But it's also 2am and I'm wide awake…

Someone said recently, they'd find out more of who I was by reading this blog…
They were right.
I'll stop now.

(Originally written 4/10/11)

Wild Thing

My last semester in college I took an intro to creative writing class. In one of the sections, our assignment was to write a non-fiction personal essay. Here is mine.

Dedicated to Nabby Baffour-Awuah, R.I.P my boo.

I do not remember my very first time. But whenever it was, I loved it. And still so. I love the feeling of having my stomach rise to my chest or sometimes fall to my feet. I love the adrenaline that surges through my veins and keeps going like a dog chasing its tail. I especially love it when gravity, distracted by an itch perhaps, forgets to hold onto me and for a brief moment lets me fly. The one and only thing I hate about roller coaster rides is the fact that no one I know enjoys them as much as I do. Until Nabby visited, Summer 2010. Nabby and I first met in high school where we participated together in a lot of the same things: basketball, dancing and even sitting at the back of chemistry class with Tomefa (another friend) not paying attention. 

The sun blazed its hardest that day, as though trying to convince the earth not to succumb to winter ever again. I was cheerfully on its side. Nabby, Tomefa, four other friends and I had plans to spend that day at Valley Fair, one of Minnesota’s very own amusement parks. A couple weeks before, I had been in a car accident, so that while my legs were fully functional with hardly any pain, they did look bruised and yellowed. And purpled and blued. I was wearing shorts; this meant the bruises were visible, causing my friends to ask questions and give their sincerest condolences. Then Nabby interjected, “Did the driver pay? We should chase him down!!” excitedly pumping his impeccably toned arm in the air, beginning the day as usual with jokes and laughter.

At the park, we worked our way through the rides, starting on the ‘baby’ rides that elicited loud enough screams from the thirty odd people on the ride to have me howling with laughter. See, I had been on all these rides before, but much like watching horror movies, there is the extra thrill that comes from watching the others too. After the first ride and my apparently obvious and fearless need for a G-force of any magnitude, Nabby decided I was going to be his ride buddy for the rest of the time. Hopefully, I would rub off on him, he said.

Soon enough the ‘adult’ ride for the day came along. Wild Thing, it was called. “Finally!” I practically squealed, unable to hide my excitement. “Nabby! Let’s get the front seats!” I called out, waving him over from my place in line. Still adjusting to the thrills of the day, he laughed, gave me a look and stood his ground in the fourth row seat line. Eventually I gave in and joined him, still elated at the fact that I finally had a friend willing to join me on the stomach dropping rides, front seats or not.

Halfway through the ride, I hooted and yelled as I pumped a fist in the air. Nabby held on to my other, repeating, “Ruddi, you are crazy.” I laughed, coaxing him to join me at least with one raised fist. By the end of ride, we each had a fist in the air. We rode Wild Thing a second time, this time paying it a four-fisted tribute, a tribute to the beauty of the rush of adrenaline. I finally had a roller coaster buddy.

I was back home in Ghana caught up in my jetlag and New-Year’s-Eve-on-the-beach high and oblivious to all ills.

Oblivious to the fact that halfway across the world, Nabby fought for his life. 

Skype: January 1st 2011; 5:35 AM

Dosoo: Ruddi, have u heard?
Ruddi:  ?
Dosoo: Nabby died…


The one and only thing I hate about roller coaster rides is the fact that no one I know enjoys them as much as I do.

Rest in Perfect Peace my Friend, till we meet again.

Time Lapse

Dear someone,
To take the time to describe to you exactly how I feel would be like attempting to climb a mountain… without gear… in the middle of an Arctic blizzard… with my back against the rock. I'm sure you get the picture. I couldn't possibly because really I do not know what it is I feel. Do they dive to true depths, soar to dizzying highs or are simply grounded on the shallowness of the vast solid earth? …

Dear someone else (or so it seems),
I have seen you, laughed and talked with you and even held you. I knew you… But years later you have lost a dimension. Yes, I know you are alive and well, yet you are hardly more than a flat picture on the wall that seems to come alive and spring from the frame but are in fact only reflecting the differently coloured rays of the setting sun shining through half drawn curtains… I truly ought to pull them closed.

Dear yet another,
I  drew the curtains.
Explanatory words fail me for there are none that can help me… or you.
I'm sorry…

Dear stranger,
YOU DRIVE ME NUTS! Go away already! Lord, help me.

I'm back!!

Guess who's back!! And man, a lot has happened!

1. I was inducted into Uplison Pi Eplison (The Comp Sci honour society).
2. I graduated.
3. I was confirmed! :D
4. I found and leased a pretty nice apartment.
5. I totally cleared out my house and fit everything in ONE storage box!! (trust me this is a huge success)
6. I got some really nice comfortable gladiator wedges
7. I started knitting a new scarf.
8. I'm home.

And He brought me through it all!! Thank you, my faithful Lord!

More than meets the eye.

Whenever I see a good-looking guy walking down the street or sitting somewhere minding his own business and I'm caught ogling and probably drooling too, I'd defend myself with "I'm only admiring God's creation." And depending on who I'm talking to we'd launch into how good-looking God must be since we are created in His image and there are some truly truly good-looking guys out there (and girls too for sure, but you know what I mean). And by extension God = Jesus. So Jesus must be good-looking as well. I mean look at the man they chose to act Jesus in Passion of the Christ:

Woooooosssshhhh!

I mean, really, our mighty and majestic Lord and saviour with both the strength of an ox and the gentleness of a lamb. The one sent to save us all from ourselves and bring us home. Naturally, the image we would create of Him is the kind that would make the average female swoon. You know, the strong back and rippling muscles and kind heart, who'd hold you till you stop crying and for once when this person says "everything will be ok," there is no reason to not believe Him. …And I'm swooning now.

I mean, of course, Jesus must look like a god (and by that I'm talk about the human perception of utmost beauty, no disrespect/blasphemy intended here, I beg).

And then I was pointed to

Isaiah 53: 2 - 3

"He grew up in his presence like a young tree, like a root out of dry ground. He had no form or majesty that would make us look at him. He had nothing in his appearance that would make us desire him. He was despised and rejected by people. He was a man of sorrows, familiar with suffering. He was despised like one from whom people turn their faces, and we didn’t consider him to be worth anything." (emphasis my own.)

Can you imagine this though? 

Today, when we look for partners, just partners, we are looking for the strong, good-looking ones. We prefer them a certain colour, a certain height, and oh may God be so good and bless us with one with a talent like expert vocal chords or instrument playing (or whatever strikes your fancy).  Even according to evolution we are looking for the ones who would ensure our safety and would provide for us (with today's "independent woman" thats all nonsense but it works for my purposes). So can you imagine that the SAVIOUR OF THE WORLD was… homely? I can't even imagine it. 

To think looks may have even helped Him score a few more followers sooner. Yet God chose not to give Him looks. …So that we may not be distracted by this beautiful man but actually listen to His words and absorbed their true meaning for ourselves. Perhaps yet another way God insists on having us choose Him and not just a pretty face.

Ever thought about how lacking something the world construes as the standard of beauty and acceptance has potentially kept you on a "straighter" path. I know that's true for me…

xx.

P.S. I hope this does not ruin any romanticized images of a gorgeous looking , well-built saviour. :D

Happy Easter!!

It's Easter Sunday today. Christ has risen. He is alive. Our sins have been paid for. The need blood sacrifice has been made. And we are free. We to love Him, free to worship Him, free to believe in Him, because He kept His promise. And now it's our turn. It's our turn to keep our promise. Our promise to love Him and worship Him and to believe in Him.

I have never suffered. Never. When I think of suffering I think of intense pain. The kind of pain that you never forget. And there has not a time like that for me, so I can't say I have ever suffered. So I can only understand suffering in an intellectual way. I can give you the dictionary definition of it. I can speak on the worse pain I had but even then I wouldn't call it suffering. I based on this I feel as though I only intellectually understand what Jesus, God, went through for us. Yes, I believe it. But the true depth of it all escapes me. I'm thankful for my belief. Thankful that it's not about feeling what He did, but to believe that He did it for me and to not take it for granted.

But there is one thing I have always taken for granted though. Or rather never thought of.
I have always thought God sent Jesus to earth to die for us. That was His plan and it had to be done. I always thought of it as a job so He was emotionally separated from it. He was doing this for us so He was happy about it. I forgot the Jesus was is His son. A friend of mine died at the beginning of the year and a number of friends and I went to see His mother, even though the strength she showed, she cried, she cried and wept and the pain she felt was palpable. God lost His son. His son died. His only son died. Because we killed Him. Yes, that was the plan but His son died. Can you imagine the pain He must have felt? I can't. Intellectually yes, but otherwise no. The sky went dark and the curtain in the temple tore but I figured it was just to make it obvious who had just died. But no, God was in pain. Intellectually. I got it. And now I get it. Yes, Jesus died for us, but it wasn't just a contract to be met. It came at great emotional cost.

Happy Easter to you. Our Lord has risen and now we can go back. We can go back to Him. Praise Him.

Watch this to the end. You'll get it.

Sensitivity… and then some.

You would think the world couldn't be more a complicated place and then you realize that everyone is so sensitive about everything: race, gender, sexuality, age, skin colour, and I could go on. I mean sure, there are differences in the world and the not-so-traditional ones would need a certain level of sensitivity for the world to remain a civil place but …really?

E.g., I have nothing against women fighting for equal rights and all that, in fact I support it, but then to get offended when someone says something like "your boyfriend is stronger" talking about who can accomplish some task… that's just… I don't know. I mean… it's probably true though, no? Sure, it could potentially make you feel like you need to buff up but really? Because you also want to be able to change a tire? You are going to get sensitive because your boyfriend is stronger than you making it easier from him to change a tire or wax a car… Really.

Ok, ok independent women are what's in fashion these days and I totally get it, I'm in utter support of it and in fact working towards being one. But be sensitive about the fact that in some parts of the world women don't receive the same wages as a man for the same job and things to that magnitude. The bigger things. The make-the-world-a-better-place things.

I just think some people are just overtly sensitive about some things. Or maybe I'm in a bad mood… or being over sensitive myself… aaahhhh *realization dawns*.

Psalm 69:3.

I must open saying that I feel like a hypocrite. I write these things about God and the bible and how I believe them to be true and then days like… today… happen.

Last week, I played with the idea of writing a devotional. No, not because I know everything there is to know about the bible and our Lord but for the exact opposite reasons: That I don't. Whenever I pick up a devotional to help me read the bible I always, always, feel such a disconnect from it because I cannot for the life of me identify with the things that they talk about. Sure, I could imagine some situation that kind of fits but never fully and I leave it feeling like it was not at all worthwhile and I was not reading or praying in the right spirit of things… I'm not sure I'm making any sense. But this is where the hypocritical feelings come in.

How can I claim to want to build a relationship with God when I can't read the bible because I get so frustrated by not understanding the devotionals that  I'm reading let alone the bible itself? How, furthermore, can I want to write a devotional of my own?

And then ever so often I'm plagued with a feeling of dispair because I feel so far away from the person He wants me to be; going so far off the path that He has laid out for me. Then I cry out to Him from the darkness underneath both my duvets, drowning my bear (yes, my teddy bear) in overflowing …emotion.

It's currently 12:24am. My lights are out, Kirk Whalum's My Faith looks up to Thee is playing and I'm going to try… again… to fall asleep. Sleep because despite all my… stuff, the world and it's expectations never stop calling. I mean, I can't quit now. Not after 3 years and 7 months, of this. Not with about a month to go. Not now.


…And then He said,
"Don’t be afraid, because I am with you. Don’t be intimidated; I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will support you with my victorious right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)
…No joke.

I pray the Lord's angels to your bed and mine. May He pour His mercies down on us all….
Good night world.

xx
K.D.

Sovereign Hands - Hillsong United

Sovereign hands

Nailed to a humble cross

Scars you bear

Speak of your redeeming love

No wonder I call you the Savior

No wonder I'm singing

God of all the heavens

Now and 'til forever

High above the universe

God of our redemption

God of my surrender

The glory is yours

Sovereign God

Laying down a holy life

Heaven's Son

Willing to be crucified

No wonder I call you the Savior

No wonder I'm singing

Open hands

Given for a sovereign cause

All I have

God will be forever yours

No wonder I call you the Savior

No wonder I'm singing

Holy, holy, holy Lord

Holy, holy, holy Lord

I had it together. I really did have it all together.
Or so I thought. Now it's all just falling apart.
Almost literally in shambles that I can see on the floor.
I'm dried out. Dried because I had cried out all my tears.
Only to find that there are more still because there is more breaking to be done.

But I'm truly not sure what is wrong.

All good things…

As I walked home with my housemate from school today, we talked about how on campus there was an ad for a visiting… person who was coming to talk about… something or the other. The topic was not important, the way it was advertised, however, was. The flyer said: He's coming. Of course, on the "Godless campus"(not my words though I agree) that is my school, no one batted an eye to this, but for me, as we would say back home, "MY HEART COOT!" Yes, my heart pretty much forgot to beat for a second. By my understanding, "He" referred to our Lord Jesus Christ and the statement "He's coming" meant He is coming for those who are His. My heart stopped because I asked myself, "Am I one of Yours, Lord?" The answer I came up with was "No."

By the time we had gotten home, the conversation had somehow turned to graduation and post-graduation plans, but not in the way you may think. We both felt (well, at least I did) that we had faked our way through most if not all of our academic lives. Personally, I was never the hardcore nerd who studied till the dawn. I refused to give up sleep for unfinished assignments. I would take 3 hour breaks after 45 mins of reading, and by reading I mean reciting the first line of the page because I had memorized it after reading it 15 times. And despite all this I find that I do not get horrible grades, I have a good enough GPA and people around me seem to think I'm smart. It baffles me because I sure don't.

The scariest part of all this is that we are graduating in 7 weeks. In 7 weeks, our professors, who we convinced are trying to ruin our lives, will no longer be there to kindly hand out extensions to deadlines, or nod thoughtfully as we argue out a point we think is extremely valid and profound and of course requires the 5 minute monologue. In 7 weeks +, we will have bosses to answer to, bosses who expect that we actually took away something useful from our time in college and not just 9 seasons of Scrubs. Soon enough, we'll be smoked out of the holes where we managed to hide the fact that we have so far gotten by using various coping mechanisms for when we are not as good as we should be.

BUT…
As I sat at my desk reading for tomorrow's class, I came across this in the acknowledgements section of my computer science textbook:

First, and most of all, I thank my creator and savior, Jesus Christ. Without Him I could do nothing, and I know that every good thing I have comes from Him (James 1:17).

Wow! Way to put things in perspective for me. Here I am, complaining about how "I don't know how I've made it this far," and "I have totally been faking intelligence this whole time," and with each sentence failing to acknowledge Him who has given me everything I have. Everything from my brain, to my admission to this school, to my scholarship and supportive family, friends and faculty. And STILL I complain??! I'm ashamed to think that I am SURROUNDED by His blessings everyday and still I am blind to them and ungrateful; deaf to our Lord who calls me His own and loves me immensely just because He created me and for Him that is enough to love me without reason.

Lord, forgive me. Forgive my stubbornness and ingratitude towards You. Forgive me for refusing to see You in everything that I do; in every correct answer, every passed course and in every offer of "Congratulations." Please, help me to move the focus from me and to You because without You there is no me; in every sense. Thank You for the love You continue to show me though I do not deserve it. In Jesus' name, Amen.

I'm working towards the day I'll read the words "He's coming" and I will rejoice because the answer to my question will be "Yes."

Do have blessed days all.
-K.D.

I will wait for you.

A friend of mine sent this to me today and I was like wow. What the artist says is so true and yet very often we forget it. Sometimes it's easier to get into a relationship for the fun of it or because we are bored or simply because we can. But that is not the way God ordained it for us. I was privy to a fellowship session with a large number of GIS students just a few minutes ago and the leader spoke on how recreational relationships are not God's will. But rather when we are with someone, we should be looking to the future and thinking "This may be the person I want to marry." I mean, of course, if you find along the way that this person is not who you thought they were and will not aid your walk in Christ, please definitely find your way out if you so choose, (unless again of course it is God's will that you be with him/her like it was for Hosea).
But anyway, here is the video:

LOL, smiley face.

You know how a person would type 'lol' and not move a muscle in their faces? And often you don't know this because you are not video chatting? (You know this person because you do it too). I have often attacked friends and been attacked in return for above stated action (or rather non-action). However, I just realized (literally 3 mins ago) that deep down inside somewhere they are 'lol', ':)', ':D', etc -ing, this generation is just too lazy and lacking in social skills to actually do it! Ok, no I'm joking (…or am I?).

Take comfort in the fact that they really are feeling some fraction of that emotion because it came out. It wouldn't have otherwise. …Or is that just me?

Oh and btw.

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY GHANA(IANS)!

Battle time.

I woke up this morning thinking, "Everyday is a new battle," of course after I thought, "What was that dream about???" In short, it was very dark with a very mean leader and I was just very confused. A lot of very's. (By the way my point is at the bottom… forgive the traffic)

Anyways, everyday is a new battle, and this is easily backed by Matt 6:34: “So don’t ever worry about tomorrow. After all, tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Thing is I wasn't even thinking about it in terms of getting work done for the day or dealing with the same annoying people yet again and successfully not blow your top, but rather I thought about it in terms of everyday is a new battle in trying to serve our Lord. Everyday, we are faced with SO MANY different things that distract us from what we are supposed to be doing, which is worshipping Him. Of course, we each have our things that we are going whether it is going to classes and getting the grades or going to work and getting the money but in those things still we are called to do various things with the gifts that we have been given (1 Corin. 12: 8-11 among others).

I came to this thought because I was frustrated, with not knowing what it is that I'm supposed to be doing. Frustrated with having so many thoughts in my head that I spin circles wider and wider until I circle into doubt which I can't afford to have but cannot get rid off. Why? Because I guess I'm expecting to see God in a certain way and my failing to see Him that way is causing my doubt.

Here's a much clearer explanation, with an example!
Dreams are gifts from God I have been told. Messages especially from Him to me. Now, with that understanding is it highly frustrating to think that God is giving you some message yet you cannot make heads or tails of what He is saying. eg. I am chasing a flying paper fish (another of my very interesting dreams). I don't know what I am supposed to take away from this. I pray for understanding and STILL… nothing. Eventually the thought happens "Maybe He is not listening to me." Then of course I think of Psalm 66: 18: "If I had not confessed the sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened."  And then I confess like a maniac… still nothing.

All in all, my point(s) is(are):
1. Everyday you must pick up your cross and decide to walk with/for the Lord. There are days sometimes when you are high on His love and you can feel His closeness and NOTHING can get you down off that cloud, and those days are pretty easy ones to have faith on. And then there are those other days… You know the ones I mean and you know exactly how they feel.

2. You cannot expect God to conform to you and your expectations. He is our father and knows what things that we need, but He doesn't work for us. I get frustrated and then doubtful because I prayed for understanding and I do not have that. What I forget is that, that may not be my gift. It is that of someone else meaning I'll have to reach out to my brothers and sisters to grow in Christ because alone I may never understand what messages I'm getting.

Bonus point
3. Faith can be a very fickle thing, especially when you need the faith that the bible describes, unwavering and not double-minded and then it says even having faith as small as a mustard seed is enough. It's hard to take that sometimes my faith is smaller than that.

He truly is worthy of our praise and worship. This is what I believe. When you stop and count your blessing you'll see what I mean. Bless.

Remember Me…

"Son! Come here and see this!"
He called out, Love already shining in His eyes,
"I'm finally done! Look, there she is.
My child
Look at her bursting with talent
Full of my love
my kindness
my patience
my blessings
Look! Can you see her beautiful heart?"

"Did you not create one like her yesterday?" His son asked.

"NO!" shocked that he would even think such a thing let alone vocalize it.
"Do you not see how different she is?
Like a moment in time that will never happen again,
She is specially and specifically,
amazingly and miraculously made
I know the number of hairs on her head!"
I love her so much, thinking to Himself.

Turning towards her, He kissed her,
breathing life into her body.

"I love you My child. Just for you, I chose the perfect pair to bring you into the world. I chose the perfect location for you to live, where I long see you grow in Me and to use you to show My glory to the world. Listen for My voice, My love. Listen and fulfill the purpose I have for you.

Remember me, My child.
Through it all,
Remember me."

Sounding off!

Often I wonder, "Where can I pour the murky emotions of my heart out without judgement?" Face it, a lot of people, including myself, always feel that there is a part of ourselves that is meant to be hidden from the world. The Mr. Hyde part that we rather the world not see for fear of rejection, abandonment or worse fear and/or hatred. Too harsh? Well… where?

Not on facebook; It's WAY too public. I have the strictest privacy settings yet there are still "friends" on there with whom I wouldn't care to share my happy times, let alone my sad ones.

Not on twitter; Even more public, and this time even to people I dont know. But often the freedom of quick one liners that offer such release is just…so…tempting.

Blogspot? I don't know. This space really is my sounding board more often than not. Publishing to the www is my way of letting it go; of saying "Amen," if you will. But, for the fact that anyone can easily read this and say KD is feeling this way right now, whether they actually know me personally or not… is a little frightening. But how else can I sound off?

I'd rather not burden an aching ear or weigh down an already heavy shoulder, so that takes out Skype, WhatsApp, bbm, phone calls, MSN, facebook chat, twitter DMs, emails, Gchat, txt msgs (wow…).

*LIGHT BULB MOMENT*

But… on the other hand, if you read this you brought it all on yourself… You made a choice. …muahahahha! :)
I have hence justified my use of blogspot (what a mouthful!). It shall remain my sounding board. Just don't expect to the blunt, tactless, heart on my forehead posts. Fortunately, I'm not forever morbid. :)

January is almost over!! Raaaahhhhh!

Blessings on all.
KD

Between Lines

Happy New Year!!!

We are currently almost 3 weeks into the new year and what a year it's been already… for a peak through that window, you should meander your way through the various blogposts of the past months and you'll have a good enough idea of the ensuing events and even then it falls short of JUST how… *much* this year has been.

A couple days ago, I finally understood something that I failed to even bother with before. So I thought I'd share. 

"There's a thin line between love and hate."

Sure, you'd say. That makes sense. Does it really? Think about this: 

"You need to be really close to step on my toes."

As a result of discussion, I finally understand the line between love and hate. Put simply, a person without access to your heart can only scratch your chest, a person with access to it, however, can rip it out, shred it then fed it piece by piece to starving piranhas. Very often, as recently as right now, I am so affected by the events around me that I feel my emotions running all over the place. Feeling a lot like a drowning man grabbing at loose straws and in my attempt to reign them in, I utterly fail and just shut down instead. I, metaphorically, stop writhing, allow myself to sink and pretend I can breathe the water I'm drowning in. In doing that though I'm cutting myself off from people who can't swim (I have taken hold of this metaphor and I'm running like a mad man with it…). 

I'm saying that in an attempt to not drown in my emotions and trying to shut them down, therefore withdrawing from people, I am in effect, initiating the ripping out the heart process and often not knowing because I even fail to see which people I mean a lot to. It is sometimes a difficult thing to understand that there actually are people who care about and love you…. But sometimes also, I shut down because I'm trying to keep my own heart from being fed to piranhas. 

I understand now that line between love and hate; next line on the list: that between being selfish and selfless… stay tuned. 

Note: Everyone has those times where those voices in our heads are the worst pessimists/critics that could exist, and to "bring my light" as I claim to be doing some darkness helps make the light more obvious and a person more real. You'll sometimes read these voices…