I must open saying that I feel like a hypocrite. I write these things about God and the bible and how I believe them to be true and then days like… today… happen.
Last week, I played with the idea of writing a devotional. No, not because I know everything there is to know about the bible and our Lord but for the exact opposite reasons: That I don't. Whenever I pick up a devotional to help me read the bible I always, always, feel such a disconnect from it because I cannot for the life of me identify with the things that they talk about. Sure, I could imagine some situation that kind of fits but never fully and I leave it feeling like it was not at all worthwhile and I was not reading or praying in the right spirit of things… I'm not sure I'm making any sense. But this is where the hypocritical feelings come in.
How can I claim to want to build a relationship with God when I can't read the bible because I get so frustrated by not understanding the devotionals that I'm reading let alone the bible itself? How, furthermore, can I want to write a devotional of my own?
And then ever so often I'm plagued with a feeling of dispair because I feel so far away from the person He wants me to be; going so far off the path that He has laid out for me. Then I cry out to Him from the darkness underneath both my duvets, drowning my bear (yes, my teddy bear) in overflowing …emotion.
It's currently 12:24am. My lights are out, Kirk Whalum's My Faith looks up to Thee is playing and I'm going to try… again… to fall asleep. Sleep because despite all my… stuff, the world and it's expectations never stop calling. I mean, I can't quit now. Not after 3 years and 7 months, of this. Not with about a month to go. Not now.
…And then He said,
"Don’t be afraid, because I am with you. Don’t be intimidated; I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will support you with my victorious right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)
…No joke.
I pray the Lord's angels to your bed and mine. May He pour His mercies down on us all….
Good night world.
xx
K.D.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
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We all ( at least I) get that feeling of despair from drifting so far from where we ought to be. At the end of the day, we just have to keep striving. God will give us grace.
ReplyDeleteAs for the devotionals, I know what you mean. I find it very difficult to stick to reading a devotional everyday. Sometimes they speak to me with pin point accuracy and sometimes they don't. They are mass produced, read by thousands and written a year in advance..everysingle one of us cannot conect with them everyday but I guess that where the holy spirit comes in. Sometimes I go to read online devotionals (Joyce Meyer) or just listen to some podcasts online or just listen to the radio (UCB)...but sometimes nothing beats just reading my bible..in diff translations (the message and NLT are brill...the you version bible app is the best thing since sliced bread!)
I dunno if that helps? we're all allowed bad days sweetie but Gods grace is sufficient. All the best! ( n sorry for the epistle)
I hear you on the YouVersion bible app!!!! You are right though, Nothing can beat going straight to the bible to read and connect with the Word yourself. (I must say the Lifetime Guarantee Devotional on YouVersion is not at all bad.)
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