Killing a bug.

So it's 1:44am and I really should be asleep as I have work in the morning and I can never wake up smiling if I don't sleep before 12:30. I'm sitting here looking at my screen, browsing Facebook, reading statuses, wondering what they mean and generally thinking too much and this BUG! keeps flying across my screen and landing on it then moving and walking about it! I blew it away, brushed it away, ignored it, yelled at it, (…yes, I yelled), but the bloody thing still kept coming back. …So I killed it.

Random story huh? But wait…

Before all that, I was thinking about how the bible says "It’s your sins that have cut you off from God. Because of your sins, he has turned away and will not listen anymore." (Isaiah 59: 2) And then I realized, much like killing the bug in order to stop it from distracting and keeping my eyes on the screen where I wanted them, I'd have to "kill" my sin in order to be able to keep my eyes on God.

But then I think, "killing that bug was so easy!" That's where the difference comes in. That bug was one small thing that was easily done away with because it was irritating and I didn't like it. Our sins are both big and small and then all those that in between and they are numerous, and often they are things we've done so often we don't notice anymore or they are things, dare I say, that we like doing!! And everyday we fall prey to some temptation or the other and we can only pray for the strength to overcome it! Sometimes there is success …and there is also failure.

But He promises never to leave you, He promises that you WILL find Him if you seek Him with all your heart, and He will create in you a new person in Christ.

Over and over again, I've prayed the "Come into my heart" prayer, but over and over again, I fail to live by his commandments and seek Him with all my heart. I even forget about Him sometimes!!! …How do you forget about someone who died to save you, who loves you more than your mother could, who has given you many many gifts and who is always by your side? How you forget someone like that? Ever think about how it breaks His heart??

Lord, I'm coming back, yet again. Please hold my hand. I know I'd leave again, but let your arm be my leash.
Amen.

…

I read a post recently about the things that cause us to lose our connection with God: Static.
Just thought I'd share.

Physical Emotions

What does it mean when emotions are so intense it becomes physical pain? What is going on inside?

When you are sad or in pain, tears would not seem out of place. Neither would they be too out of place if you were overcome with joy; or shock even. A laugh or excited dance would perfectly complement a person's happiness. These things, I can understand.

But …what is it when you are missing someone so badly, your chest (your heart?) feels as though it is shrinking and becoming tighter and tighter to the point you gasp for air; whether in shock or because your lungs forget how to work for a second, I don't know.
Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

…Maybe I just need to go to see a doctor. :S.

"Listen, learn, live."

Here is my own little "sunscreen song" of advice.

Play your favourite music out loud, sing along at the top of your voice, and dance like the world is watching but you don't care!
Learn to love yourself without being vain. It is the first step to letting yourself truly be loved, and being able to give it in return.
Live to make a life and not a living, and then your life might feel worth living. (First half not mine)
Be grateful for everything; remove "Thank you" from the list of the hardest things to say.
Remove "I love you" too, but use that ONLY (and I mean ONLY) when you are sincere.
Always be honest. Eventually the truth about that lie will come back and bite you in the ass …and it'll bite hard too.
Smile, whilst you never know who may be falling for you, it'll also keep some wrinkles from showing. Hehehe
Give hugs. LOADS of them! (Unless it'll make someone uncomfortable.)
Burst your bubble, read different books, go to different places, try a new subject, make a new friend.
Believe in something; anything. You’d be less confused …at least in one area.
Lend a helping hand, whenever, wherever (Shakira! lol, sorry.) to whomever you can. The rewards come in the smiles, gratitude and love.

Finally…
When you give advice to others, you might want to learn to take it too. :p ☺

Xoxo. Goodnight world.

The Sunscreen Song - Baz Luhrmann.

Originally: "ADVICE, LIKE YOUTH, PROBABLY JUST WASTED ON THE YOUNG," By Mary Schmich

"Wear sunscreen
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh never mind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked ...You're not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you
Sing (I second that!)
Don't be reckless with other peoples hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss
Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind...the race is long, and in the end its only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
(Hmm, you might get into trouble ooo)
Stretch
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life...the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you wont, maybe you'll have children, maybe you wont, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary...what ever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either - your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can...don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, its the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance...even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you dont follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. (HEAR! HEAR!!)
Get to know your parents, you'll never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few, you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time its 40, it will look 85.
Be careful who advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than its worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen..."

(Kwe, that was long but,) Great advice! Listen, learn, live.
But chale, sunscreen dieh… Some of us came from The Motherland!!!

Pieces of Himself

Today, the darkness that I have allowed to follow me about lifted just enough for the light to shine and show me something I was refusing to see and therefore failed to appreciate.
I thank God often for "my friends and family," but I realised just recently how like a gift each of them is. In this my time of frustration and confusion, they have been the ones to keep a smile plastered on my face longer than it otherwise would have been if at all.
Each one in their own little way has made me feel loved, appreciated and cared about.
Some I've known hardly a week and others a lifetime, and finally I see the beauty in all these gifts God has given to me: Pieces of Himself.

For every tear you kept from running down my cheek
For every smile you replaced a frown with
For every time you held my hand or simply held me
For every day you continue to seek my company
For every time you've been there for me in whatever capacity
In my small little way I just want to say: Thank you.
Truly, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

"Since I have no gold to give,
And love alone must make amends,
My daily prayer is while I live—
'God, make me worthy of my friends.'”

—Sherman (Daily Bread, July 28, 09)

Like A Star - Corinne Bailey Rae

Just like a star across my sky,

Just like an angel off the page,

You have appeared to my life,

Feel like I'll never be the same,

Just like a song in my heart,

Just like oil on my hands,

Honour to love you

Still I wonder why it is,

I don't argue like this,

With anyone but you,

We do it all the time,

Blowing out my mind,

You've got this look I can't describe,

You make me feel like I'm alive,

When everything else is au fait,

Without a doubt you're on my side,

Heaven has been away too long,

Can't find the words to write this song,

Oh...

Your love,

Still I wonder why it is,

I don't argue like this,

With anyone but you,

We do it all the time,

Blowing out my mind,

Now I have come to understand,

The way it is,

It's not a secret anymore,

'cause we've been through that before,

From tonight I know that you're the only one,

I've been confused and in the dark,

Now I understand,

I wonder why it is,

I don't argue like this,

With anyone but you,

I wonder why it is,

I wont let my guard down,

For anyone but you

We do it all the time,

Blowing out my mind,

Just like a star across my sky,

Just like an angel off the page,

You have appeared to my life,

Feel like I'll never be the same,

Just like a song in my heart,

Just like oil on my hands

- Corinne Bailey Rae

Wow. I AM a mushmellow. *sigh*

Either way, you are just like a star.

Always on my mind.

So I guess that last point in my last "Pensieve entry" did have something to do with it all after all. …This headache is really going. I didn't see it because it was different from what I thought it should be; Different from the way I thought it felt. But even in the fact that it is very different from what it was before, it could still be the same feeling, no?
…Maybe I have just refused to see or acknowledge it because …well, I'll hold on to that.
Either way, I've heard that to love a person is a decision you make. And to some extent, I believe that is true. My rambling ends here. But as a reminder to me and food for thought for you:

1 Corinthians 13: 4 - 13.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Pensieve entry. (07/16/09)

I'm finally back in MN after a FANTASTIC 6-day weekend at a birthday celebration in MA, and it was a blast! I met a dozen new people, went to church and listened to a very "happening" pastor preach a really good sermon and caught up with great friends. So it was Wednesday night and I was leaving the state on cloud 5. (Quite a drop from the cloud 9 I was on that morning prior to some nonsense, but anyways…) And Lord knows I must have lost my intelligence because under the guise of sharing and being honest and whatnot, I managed to go ahead and step right off the already low cloud and proceed to not only fall through clouds 4, 3, 2 and 1, but hit the ground HARD. Yeah it was that bad. Or at least it felt like it. Right now, I'm still on the ground, but upright and not face down.

And with the entire experience I re-learnt a few things I thought I already knew, and a few new ones.

The Old.

1. Honesty is the best policy.

At all times it is. BUT! Sometimes, it's best to keep your mouth shut. Some things just turn out better that way. (I was just assured that honesty is still the best option. We'll see…)

2. Sure, once in a while you need your alone time, but friends… friends are the glue that holds you together sometimes.

Don't hide under your covers in the dark, drowning your pillow or some stuffed animal of choice. Find a friend who will be supportive …and keep you out of your depressive slum.

3. Music WILL paint your canvas whatever you let it.

…Not sure I can say anything else about that.
4. Do NOT ever do anything in anger.
Do anything and everything you can to cool off before you speak. If you don't you may be regretting whatever you did for a WHILE to come.

The New.

1. Your entire self is connected to your heart. (I can almost hear your "Duh," gimme a min here…)

When you are happy, your heart is light, allowing the corners of your mouth to lift easily. In fact all the features of your face will lift. You feel lighter, some so much so they 'float.' Things just all seem so much more pleasant because you are light enough not to sink below the surface. But when you are sad, your heart is heavy. It weights down the corners of your mouth and your brow droops. Everything seems too much of a bother because you can't seem to lift yourself.

2. …I don't think you know it when you fall in love. Not least not as first as you may have had different ideas about what it should be. Not even when you are hit in face with clues over and over again …you just think that headache came from somewhere else.

(This last point is totally unrelated)

…Well.

Happy HP watching to all going to see it/already seen it.

I want my gift like this…

SO! I made a fantastic discovery yesterday and it’s not at all what you may think, LOL. What I finally discovered was the song… wait for it… Birthday Sex by Jer… something or the other.

For some who know me it may come as a surprise that I found the discovery of this song “fantastic”. And to others it might not. LOL. Don’t get me wrong, I do not mean to put myself out there as such a crif/devoutly religious person that I will feign ignorance of this thing that seems to be paradoxically both “a ‘climatic’ experience” and an “overrated chore” because really, in this day who can really say they don’t know wassup? (I believe the difference in opinion would come based on what the opinion giver ticks next to “martial status” on some form. Would you not agree? ☺ Though I’m hoping I’m among the select who think “climatic” as they tick “married” on that form ;) )…but I digress.

Now I get to the purpose for which I started this piece. The song.

I enjoyed the sound of the music and the way it seemed to go from homophonic to polyphonic quality, but then I might just me getting my music appreciation information mixed up in my head. (Help, anyone?) I also thoroughly enjoyed the subtle sexual undertones of the video (YES! I said it! ⍢) as opposed to the more common in-your-face trends that most other videos take but what I found fantastic was not the prospect of receiving my birthday gift in a space of my choosing at his place but rather the fact that it spoke of sex as something special that is given as a gift. And I believe that’s the way it was meant to be; something special that two people intimately (of course) share in the right (and fairly comfortable) place and (a bonus) sensual setting.

I KNOW what I took away from the song was not what I was meant to, but for Jer…something something’s benefit, I had a good time moving to the beat. Either way, I feel sex is something that should be special event, irrespective of how long, how often, etc and not a mindless activity in which you engage in for 10 minutes of pleasure, which may not have even been satisfying if you stop and think about it.

Ok I feel I must save the sensuality of the song after all that seriousness… But how? Choreography? ……lol… nah! Honestly, you just need to watch the video. That should be enough. Right now I'm off to sway to the beat. ;)

I love, I love, I love…