In this very moment…

…all I need is someone to talk to who will

• hold me, rub small circles on my back and just listen
• have perfectly timed uh huh's and yeah's
• not judge me for the things I feel
• accept that I am human and I too have failings
• wait till after I've pulled myself together to tell me I'm being silly
• help me see that the world is a desolate place… but it's people can be (and are) so much more. 

Not Enough.

I'm not angry enough to punch a wall…No.
The last time I did that, the wall barely flinched
My anger went no where. Nothing changed.
Oh, no. Wait. I dented my ring.

I'm not restless enough to workout…
The last time [before last] I did that, I passed out.
Never saw that wall racing for my head.
Yes, I'm fine now. …Was fine then too.

I'm not upset enough to drown my pillow… No.
The last time I did that... was barely 24 hours ago.
There are no tears left in me.
Give me another glass of wine, first.

I'm not lonely enough ...Scratch that. I am.
No. I don't have a cat. I'm a dog person.

Therapy.

Five mins. I must have stood there, with my eyes closed, for five whole minutes, taking it all in before I remembered why I was there. Ironically enough, John Fluker's 'Life Begins' played, loud yet softly, off my tv. I opened up my eyes and blinked as the water splashed off my skin into them, lathered up my sponge and took a bath. No wonder my landlord is increasing my rent, can't shoulder these shower therapy session costs alone.

…I can almost hear you roll your eyes and think, "Dramatic much, K.D.?"

But… Dang, hitting the ground is going to hurt like a bloody female dog bitch.

No End in Sight 2.

Eight months and a week… It's been eight months and one week since I started work. This last week though I was on vacation and man did I love doing nothing. Like… Damn. The sad thing is that it's not like I'm being worked to the bone at my job and thus deserved a break. It's just… Well. Here's a story.

In November, I believe it was, a new guy was hired. Let's call him Zeke. Z for short. Z came in as an experienced hire, a level above me, but with about the same amount of working knowledge I had since he was new to the particular role. His first assignment was on my team so I got to work with him for a time. It was fantastic! Why? Because we ranted about the exact same things. We had the same problems and the same misunderstandings of what we were supposed to be doing. I was not afraid of our conversations reaching the 'wrong' ears nor was I turned off by eyes glazed over in boredom and resignation as if to say "It is what it is, eventually you'll learn and it'll get better." But HOW? How do you expect me to see the big picture of 4+ different clients for whom I do fleeting, periodic work which I cannot understand beyond the simplistic instruction of 'complete this testing and sign off'? Finally, there was someone who knew and understood exactly what my frustrations were and shared them. "What exactly is the big picture here, and why do we care? Why SHOULD we care?" Big but worthwhile questions to be asking, we felt. The answers we got never really hit that sweet spot of "Oooooo I get it." Needless to say, Z quit and moved on about a month or two (?) later. And I understood him perfectly. Fortunately or unfortunately for me F1/OPT/H1B ties me down. Let those who understand, understand.

Really, though? What exactly IS the big picture to this job that I'm supposed to be doing here?
Sure, there are rules and regs to be adhered to and we make sure of that but… then what?
"Sign off and repeat next year" -________________-

Stripped to it's bare bones, this is not a difficult job. It's a tedious one.
One clothed in personality and priority conflicts, policies drowned under lightyears of bureaucracy and verbiage, skyscraper expectations and a low tolerance for 'almost failure' ('actual failure' is a dirty word in the business. And mind you failure may include forgetting to cross your T's and dot your I's. (I'm only slightly exaggerating)).

Of course, most will read this, roll their eyes, tell me to just stop whining and take the damn silver spoon out of my mouth. I know. I say that to myself often enough. But some days I just can't get past the volatile personalities and contradictory instructions.

Happy Bloody Monday.

No End in Sight 1 in on the first couple weeks at work.