Cosine Waves - a medley.

Where are you now? When I need you around
I'm on my knees but it seems we're
Going nowhere fast. We’ve reached the climax.
Were together now we’re undone.
I miss you, like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away
I said I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same?
My eyes don't shed tears, but, boy, they bawl
When I'm thinkin' 'bout you (Ooh, no, no, no)
I've been thinkin' 'bout you (You know, know, know)
I've been thinkin' 'bout you
Do you think about me still?
Do ya, do ya?
Or do you not think so far ahead? (Ahead)
'Cause I been thinkin' 'bout forever (Oooh, oooh)

*Melodramatic saxophone solo with drawn out decrescendo*

I've got a different approach to dealing with emotion.

Keeping control of my boat, while drifting on this ocean.
Keeping my head to the sky, keeping tears out of my eyes.
Unless happiness be the reason that I decide to cry.
And life's too short to dwell on all that's wrong.
Numbin’ up

Since you’ve been away, love’s been MIA
Done looking for love, cause you took away her

Now I’m MIA

Feeling better today

So much better.

What You Deserve

An extract; a fraction… of a much "needed to hear" whole.

…Perhaps most of all, though, you deserve to be okay. You deserve to know that a day in which you can just barely get out of bed because you are sad, or sick, or simply not ready to see the outside is not the end of the world. You deserve to know that moments of weakness do not make you fundamentally weak, only fundamentally human, and that sometimes we’re not going to be effusively happy, and that is okay. You deserve to be happy just existing and not constantly holding yourself up to a standard of fake smiles and forced cheerfulness. You deserve to not beat yourself up when you do not reach perfect acceptance of your body, your personality, the love you receive, or anything else that may come your way. Though you should know that you are worthy of these things, learning to be happy just in a kind of stasis with yourself is a long process, and you should know that we are all working on it. You deserve to live through all of your emotions, all of your states of motivation, and know that as long as you are treating everyone with kindness (including yourself), you have nothing to be ashamed of.

- Chelsea Fagan; Thought Catalog 

Click here for the full piece.

Done.

Dear you,

And I do mean it when I say 'Dear.' It is not meant, in this case, to simply be a way to begin a letter; as difficult a letter as this may be to write. But I think it's time that it came. Time that the words found their way out of my mind. Even if it is just through my fingers. That yellow stripe goes far and wide down my back. It's been long overdue but I thought I would never need it. I hoped. Prayed. That I'd never need it. Prayed that you'd one day, soon, not want so much.

I know this is my fault though. I needed you too much. I needed you to listen, to be there, to make me laugh, to comfort me, to make me feel like I had a 'person.' And you did just that and more. I took it all for granted. It became evident quickly how you felt and you spared no words letting me know. I was flattered. Now I understand I'm undeserving. I didn't feel the same and I let you know that but still continued to need you and you continued, expertly, to be there. "Best friends" Ha. It was my excuse; my cope out way of keeping you in my life but still side-stepping what you wanted. Ignoring how you felt… feel.

And then I found Love. It took me forever to tell you about him. I didn't know how; didn't know which nouns, verbs or adjectives to use; which ones would work right, hurt less.

"I love you but I'm in love with someone else?"

That seemed too movie-like.  Cliché almost. But finally, in many more words and a lot more time, I told you about him. Of course, you've been through a variety of responses to it since (Can I just add here that your "Marvin's Room" comment actually really hurt…).

Anyway, this never-ending string of words I've strung is me trying to say I'm done. I managed to convince myself that I wasn't leading you on, but I continued to talk, to complain, to laugh, even to be indifferent… I continued to need you. You have been a fantastic friend; a best friend, but I haven't done the same for you. I'm not even sure now whether I'm doing this for you or for myself. It's not the best feeling knowing that you are hurting because of me.

That said, I think we need time apart. Emotionally. The physical distance is already covered. I truly hope we survive this in the long run; but Dear you, I'm done leading you on.

Hesitantly,
KuiDee.

Put to you bed…

I have never… ever… spent so much time in my bed as I have in the past… well... two years, if I want to be honest with myself. The biggest reason is because for the first year, it really was the only piece of comfortable furniture in my room. My room was my space, my space only, unlike the rest of the house at the time and it was also upstairs, away from all the rest that wasn't just mine. So I did everything in my bed: eat, study, read, daydream, chat, smile, homework, laugh, sleep, cry, …yoga...

Year 2.
I'm in my bed so much it's ridic. I get home and jump onto the bed, whether to continue working, watching a TV show (which I could very easily watch on my larger screen in the living room), eating dinner (or breakfast). There are so many things in my apartment now that I contemplate selling off because I just don't use them. Even with the living room, equipped with a desk, chairs, love seat, TV, armchair, HUGE beanbag, carpet, lamps, pictures, books, bookshelf, etc, I still choose to sit on my bed, where I still do everything. Yea it's all my space now… but… it's my bed. We have a bond. My teddy bears understand. Yes, teddy bearS. Wanna guess how many?

In this very moment…

…all I need is someone to talk to who will

• hold me, rub small circles on my back and just listen
• have perfectly timed uh huh's and yeah's
• not judge me for the things I feel
• accept that I am human and I too have failings
• wait till after I've pulled myself together to tell me I'm being silly
• help me see that the world is a desolate place… but it's people can be (and are) so much more. 

Not Enough.

I'm not angry enough to punch a wall…No.
The last time I did that, the wall barely flinched
My anger went no where. Nothing changed.
Oh, no. Wait. I dented my ring.

I'm not restless enough to workout…
The last time [before last] I did that, I passed out.
Never saw that wall racing for my head.
Yes, I'm fine now. …Was fine then too.

I'm not upset enough to drown my pillow… No.
The last time I did that... was barely 24 hours ago.
There are no tears left in me.
Give me another glass of wine, first.

I'm not lonely enough ...Scratch that. I am.
No. I don't have a cat. I'm a dog person.

Therapy.

Five mins. I must have stood there, with my eyes closed, for five whole minutes, taking it all in before I remembered why I was there. Ironically enough, John Fluker's 'Life Begins' played, loud yet softly, off my tv. I opened up my eyes and blinked as the water splashed off my skin into them, lathered up my sponge and took a bath. No wonder my landlord is increasing my rent, can't shoulder these shower therapy session costs alone.

…I can almost hear you roll your eyes and think, "Dramatic much, K.D.?"

But… Dang, hitting the ground is going to hurt like a bloody female dog bitch.

No End in Sight 2.

Eight months and a week… It's been eight months and one week since I started work. This last week though I was on vacation and man did I love doing nothing. Like… Damn. The sad thing is that it's not like I'm being worked to the bone at my job and thus deserved a break. It's just… Well. Here's a story.

In November, I believe it was, a new guy was hired. Let's call him Zeke. Z for short. Z came in as an experienced hire, a level above me, but with about the same amount of working knowledge I had since he was new to the particular role. His first assignment was on my team so I got to work with him for a time. It was fantastic! Why? Because we ranted about the exact same things. We had the same problems and the same misunderstandings of what we were supposed to be doing. I was not afraid of our conversations reaching the 'wrong' ears nor was I turned off by eyes glazed over in boredom and resignation as if to say "It is what it is, eventually you'll learn and it'll get better." But HOW? How do you expect me to see the big picture of 4+ different clients for whom I do fleeting, periodic work which I cannot understand beyond the simplistic instruction of 'complete this testing and sign off'? Finally, there was someone who knew and understood exactly what my frustrations were and shared them. "What exactly is the big picture here, and why do we care? Why SHOULD we care?" Big but worthwhile questions to be asking, we felt. The answers we got never really hit that sweet spot of "Oooooo I get it." Needless to say, Z quit and moved on about a month or two (?) later. And I understood him perfectly. Fortunately or unfortunately for me F1/OPT/H1B ties me down. Let those who understand, understand.

Really, though? What exactly IS the big picture to this job that I'm supposed to be doing here?
Sure, there are rules and regs to be adhered to and we make sure of that but… then what?
"Sign off and repeat next year" -________________-

Stripped to it's bare bones, this is not a difficult job. It's a tedious one.
One clothed in personality and priority conflicts, policies drowned under lightyears of bureaucracy and verbiage, skyscraper expectations and a low tolerance for 'almost failure' ('actual failure' is a dirty word in the business. And mind you failure may include forgetting to cross your T's and dot your I's. (I'm only slightly exaggerating)).

Of course, most will read this, roll their eyes, tell me to just stop whining and take the damn silver spoon out of my mouth. I know. I say that to myself often enough. But some days I just can't get past the volatile personalities and contradictory instructions.

Happy Bloody Monday.

No End in Sight 1 in on the first couple weeks at work.

The Axis

Sometimes, heck, oftentimes, someone else's emotion is not at all about you me.

But when that emotion is negative, like sadness or anger (or what I perceive as such), I can't help but have the first thought that goes through my mind be, "Oh no, what did I do this time?" Then I start the process of trying to figure out when that negative emotion might have come up, what I might have or have not done right before then and how to fix it. And in the case where I can't figure this out, which is most often, I come up with all sorts of reasons why something I did caused this. ...and then apologize for it.

Now.
1. In the event that I actually did nothing wrong (imagine that!), the apology comes across as awkward or even insincere. I don't like this.
2. If I decide to ask if I did something wrong first before I apologize and again I didn't do anything wrong (look at me go!), then I just some across as... [insert your own word that I know you are thinking in here].

But, in those cases were I manage to be smart and figure out that I really can't be the cause of this negative emotion, I find myself in the "How do I make this better?" space. And then in the helpless "I don't know how to make this better." and finally (believe it or not) in the "I'm failing at my job as a [insert applicable title here]."

My realisation?

I need to be reminded of this often:

"KD, the world does not bloody revolve around you..."

Happy Chocolate Day, y'all!

Lookie!

Look at what I found on my way home from seeing MI:4 (in which BMW were shamelessly showing off might I add). My sister and I imagine that the space below the ? was left blank and Erin filled it in. :D 

Happy 2012 to you all. Wishing you the fulfillment of all your desires and more.

It would've been a better picture if I wasn't wary of walking into the alleyway, lit or not, at 10 p.m.