Satisfaction

I'm writing this more for me so I have something to come back to when I get confused again. I figured if it'd help me. It'd help someone else… either way *shrug*.

For a number of weeks now I've been meeting with my pastor from my church because I decided I was not getting the direction I wanted/needed from the people around me. I was tired of trying on my own to be the Christian that I want to be; better still, the person I was made to be. (Though I can still say I don't know who that person is and I'm still a long way off.)

Anyways, my point:
Talking to him made a good number of things easier to understand. Of course I often understand it in the moment that he speaks on it and then I get all confused again later on.Either way, before I started talking to my pastor, I believed you must work towards your salvation. I'm not saying now that you must not, but now I understand that you can not ever truly achieve it on your own by your own means. What I mean is I believed that once you "achieved" salvation you were instantly filled with His spirit. I believed that you instantly FEEL His presence. And no matter how hard I seemed to try I'd never really felt anything. Note my emphasis on feeling. …I was looking for the wrong things in the wrong places.

Salvation means to work towards the person that our creator wants us to be. To purposefully refuse to do that will keep you from salvation. But every time you consciously choose to do the right thing over the wrong, you do not have a rush of adrenaline, maybe the first time, yes (unless you are special and you feel that every single time). But working towards salvation means changing your lifestyle where it needs changing because it is being shaped by your faith. The rush I believe some feel is them approaching satisfaction.

(Let's make an academic tangent here)
In communications class, we discussed self-concept and how it affects the way we communicate and interact with other people. Every person has current self-concept and an ideal self-concept. The smaller the difference between the two, the closer to satisfaction with one's self that a person can get.

Relating this to our faith, we are internally conflicted when we believe, through our faith, that we were made to be a certain way which we currently are not. Therefore, I can think of salvation as satisfaction in Christ…

…This is what makes sense to me.

[just cooked spaghetti]

It's a funny thing this life is. It's not a game but you are pushed to win. It's not a race but you are pushed to run. No one will survive it but we all seem to try. Why the ambivalence and juxtaposition? Because either no one knows exactly what life or the right way to live it is or simply assumee if you throw enough [just cooked spaghetti] at the wall something must stick.

I'm tired.

You know. That kinda tired that allows you to sit and stare at the lint floating about because you've lost your motivation to move. That kinda tired that seems to engulf your body, ooze past your bones and marinate your soul. And you cannot for the life of you explain why… at least not to another person. And not even if you tried. But… here goes:

I'm tired because I cannot lighten my load. I've tired but its like walking around barefoot and trying to get rid of the dirt by dusting off with your hands and then continue walking. Now both your hands (and everywhere you put them) and your feet are dirty. 

I'm tired because I cannot put words to the things I feel. I cannot explain their source. Mainly because most think it wrong or irrational. Trust me I know it's irrational, but try telling that to someone with [eg] claustrophobia and see if it gets them to stand in a closet.  

I'm tired because when I find myself trying to explain why I am/feel the way I am/feel all I'm ever met with is confusion, assumptions, hurt feelings or retreat. But… but… it's the truth. …Or what I think is the truth. 

I'm tired because I dont know for sure what the truth is. Am I simply hiding behind what I think is the truth to avoid facing the true issues. But facing the true issues should help me solve them so hiding from it would be stupid… 

I'm tired because when I don't explain why I am/feel the way I am/feel, I still get the same results. 

I'm tired because I'm confused…

Watch this space.

I have not quite yet beaten my thoughts into concise, coherent submission but… soon.

Till then: Would you choose to
a. be quiet and keep the peace or
b. speak out and it's 50-50 between causing a rift and solving the problem.

I'd like your input…
KD.

CUTE!!!

OMG I'm such a sap. This is so fluffy I dunno how to feel!!! 

Sexy time.

Ok, the world is just giving me material to work with here.

Imagine with me please:
Someone, say female, is utterly down in the dumps. I mean she's upset, has probably been crying and she is trying to feel better but it's not really working. And the guy she's talking to hoping he would cheer her up suggests sex because it's a great picker upper.

Now,
One. I was under the impression that one needs to be in the mood for sex for it to be any good.
Two. It has to be good for it to work as a picker upper.
and Three. Knowing this person is upset, how exactly quickly do you think the process from upset to sad to happy to sexy time happens?
Seriously?

For me, the impression I get is simply that the guy wants to get laid. Ok I really dont know since I'm not a guy, … actually hold on I'm going to ask…

So apparently, for the guy it'd work for him if he was upset…
I don't even know what to say anymore. Mtchew.

I NEED TO RANT!

See, the issue with technology and social networking websites is not only that they are so many but despite the numbers you STILL can't escape from some people.
Once upon a time, we were chill and I didn't mind you on everything (cus nothing special/significant really happens that goes on there) but now I'd much rather not have said person have such unlimited access to my life BECAUSE I WANT TO RANT ABOUT YOU (said person)!
Number of media through which I was rant-blocked: 3
Twitter, Facebook, and Skype. (Would be 4 if their blackberry msgr was set up and 5 if I knew they read this blog). And because of this I think I was just more irritable because I just couldn't rant!! Do you know just know frustrating that is?

But I have another point of view by which you can look at this problem.
We (I) learn accountability and/or to be patient.

Lemme explain…
So patience first. It was the simple fact that I couldn't just go straight to twitter to spew a string of words that expressed my grand irritation with this person because they were bound to see it and even if they didn't guess it was about them would ask about it anyways. As a result, I had to sit and fight away/ignore the cause of the irritation until I felt better or just be straight with the person and tell them to BEHAVE!

Accountability; Really should be self-explanatory.
With so many avenues where you can create an online version of yourself each of which is accessible by so many people, there are bound to be times where you check yourself or some else does that for you.
Of course the standards to which one is kept accountable is defined by themselves and their group of friends…

Lol. Obviously, sometimes these social networking thingys allow you to explore different points of view.

Year of Lasts

Tonight, I will be going to bed just like I have every night in the past (well most nights at least). But tomorrow; tomorrow I'll wake up different.

It's been 3 years coming, this night has. 3 years, I've waited and waited, longed for and hoped for. And now it here. Tomorrow morning I wake up a college senior. Tomorrow morning I begin my year of lasts, with my last first day of fall semester.

I'm torn between anxiety and excitement about the future.
Anxiety because I do not know where I will be, what I would have accomplished and what I would have failed to accomplish. I do not know if I will even make it to the end of senior but God carried me through my accident so I must be meant for more than the trials of school if I'm alive now.
(R.I.P. to those who cannot say same for they are with the Father. Paa Bed, I didn't know you at all but obviously, you meant a lot to a lot of people. Godspeed brother.)
Anxiety because of all the plans (A - D so far) I hope to fall back on, I'm not sure yet of which would hold, if any at all.

But despite all that, excitement because I feel as though graduation marks the beginning of an independence that I do not yet know. Yes, I have been living on my own and paying bills, etc. but there is something missing in all that that I feel graduation will bring.
Excitement also because I will finally find out what benefit college has been to me and how much of it I really will use. Classroom knowledge versus social/people handling knowledge…?

I'm not sure I like this whole not knowing exactly where I'm going kinda thing… Hmph.
Ok bedtime. I have a blasted 8am financial accounting class which I only have because I'm trying to figure out my post graduation plan A.1.

AArrrgggghhhhhhh! Ok ok bedtime. Gnyt y'all!

xx.
KD