Pensieve entry: 12/03/2010

Continuation of / update on previous piece.

It is in reading my blog that I realize just how like a roller coaster my life is (and just how emo I am…). Sometimes I have the strength to not let the bad overcome the good and I CAN keep my head up above the trouble. But then also there are times where… it's just not going to happen and I go under (Yea, I am aware that definition of trouble is relative).

But, I'm here wondering (and I think I've said this before) whether it is a good thing trying to keep your head above the water. For one it should be an opportunity to realize that it's about time you sank your knees deep underneath the surface of all the trouble and then look up, because there is strength to be found in that position. Furthermore, how else can you understand what you are going through unless you thoroughly embrace it, feel it and experience it and then hope that you learn from it and not just forget it all when the trouble passes, you feel better and then proceed to regress to that which caused the problem in the first place (#tangent). Accept that it is a part of whatever you are going through and must go through if you want to come out whole at the other end. Of course, "whole" can mean letting go / getting rid of a part that was never supposed to be there in the first place that is not helping you… or others. This is an opportunity to grow… even if it means having to eventually let go…

"The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing" - John Powell

P.S. I admit that that last blog title was *utterly* dramatic.
P.P.S. Anyone seen the new HP movie? Worth it? (Pensieve is an HP ref. not necessarily misspelt…) 

Warning: Demolition in progress.

I only just realized that in my performance of life I have left behind a trail of major wreckages. Little did I know that each wreckage was actually a piece of my heart cracked and broken off and left behind. Here I thought I was protecting myself... But no. I was ripping myself apart. Slowly. The reflecting I've done over the past 48 hrs has left me so empty. Yet so full of regrets and thoughts of "What [expletive, expletive] did you think you were doing!??"
The problem now is: what do I do? The broken pieces were originally a mix, but now just mine. Do I attempt to make it better? Is wanting to do so selfish yet again? Would it help at all? ...I'll do anything.

*Sigh*
I think too long in a hot shower emphasizes dehydration...
Shrink session scheduled, that is one person I shouldn't be able to wreck...

Enjoy

So music is major part of my life. Usually when people say that it means that they create music or add to it in some significant way or form. Yes, I can carry a tune but I'd do that if I'm not carrying my iPod. Music is my companion in everything, therefore, very often I will be able to find something that speaks to me. Today, I've had a bit of a crappy day… but then again who doesn't. "Chin up," he'd say. So I'm working on it, and this helps: Enjoy - Janet Jackson :D

Bare Necessities - Baloo the Bear

Hehehe


Look for the bare necessities
The simple bare necessities
Forget about your worries and your strife
I mean the bare necessities
Old Mother Nature's recipes
That brings the bare necessities of life

Wherever I wander, wherever I roam
I couldn't be fonder of my big home
The bees are buzzin' in the tree
To make some honey just for me
When you look under the rocks and plants
And take a glance at the fancy ants
Then maybe try a few

The bare necessities of life will come to you
They'll come to you!

Look for the bare necessities
The simple bare necessities
Forget about your worries and your strife
I mean the bare necessities
That's why a bear can rest at ease
With just the bare necessities of life

Now when you pick a pawpaw
Or a prickly pear
And you prick a raw paw
Next time beware
Don't pick the prickly pear by the paw
When you pick a pear
Try to use the claw
But you don't need to use the claw
When you pick a pear of the big pawpaw
Have I given you a clue ?

The bare necessities of life will come to you
They'll come to you!

So just try and relax, yeah cool it
Fall apart in my backyard
'Cause let me tell you something little britches
If you act like that bee acts, uh uh
You're working too hard

And don't spend your time lookin' around
For something you want that can't be found
When you find out you can live without it
And go along not thinkin' about it
I'll tell you something true

The bare necessities of life will come to you

Seize the day! Be happy!

Link to the article: 10 to Happy

No perfect description…

Today I woke up to a happiness I never have before.
Perhaps actually it was more of joy than it was happiness. Here I am, 6 hrs later, and it's still going strong. I was so happy, there were tears and there was praise. It was nothing short of an AMAZING feeling. I was walking around smiling like a fool. Or better still one who's just heard a fantastic secret.

The way you feel is often a direct product of the way you think and the choices you make about the way you are thinking. As a person thinks in his heart so is he. Yes, true but sometimes even without a conscious decision some emotion spills over from deep inside and praise God when is it joy (even more when it's pain) but joy… Wow. I'm think I'm still too overwhelmed by it to be fully explicit about it.

Perhaps it was conversation from the night before.
Perhaps the gray yet beautiful morning
Perhaps it was the fact that a cool blast of air woke me rather than my blasted alarm.

Perhaps also it was just the effect of this song… I'll be chasing after You, just as You chase after me.

You're Everything.

There aren't any words. This, surely, is enough.

Satisfaction

I'm writing this more for me so I have something to come back to when I get confused again. I figured if it'd help me. It'd help someone else… either way *shrug*.

For a number of weeks now I've been meeting with my pastor from my church because I decided I was not getting the direction I wanted/needed from the people around me. I was tired of trying on my own to be the Christian that I want to be; better still, the person I was made to be. (Though I can still say I don't know who that person is and I'm still a long way off.)

Anyways, my point:
Talking to him made a good number of things easier to understand. Of course I often understand it in the moment that he speaks on it and then I get all confused again later on.Either way, before I started talking to my pastor, I believed you must work towards your salvation. I'm not saying now that you must not, but now I understand that you can not ever truly achieve it on your own by your own means. What I mean is I believed that once you "achieved" salvation you were instantly filled with His spirit. I believed that you instantly FEEL His presence. And no matter how hard I seemed to try I'd never really felt anything. Note my emphasis on feeling. …I was looking for the wrong things in the wrong places.

Salvation means to work towards the person that our creator wants us to be. To purposefully refuse to do that will keep you from salvation. But every time you consciously choose to do the right thing over the wrong, you do not have a rush of adrenaline, maybe the first time, yes (unless you are special and you feel that every single time). But working towards salvation means changing your lifestyle where it needs changing because it is being shaped by your faith. The rush I believe some feel is them approaching satisfaction.

(Let's make an academic tangent here)
In communications class, we discussed self-concept and how it affects the way we communicate and interact with other people. Every person has current self-concept and an ideal self-concept. The smaller the difference between the two, the closer to satisfaction with one's self that a person can get.

Relating this to our faith, we are internally conflicted when we believe, through our faith, that we were made to be a certain way which we currently are not. Therefore, I can think of salvation as satisfaction in Christ…

…This is what makes sense to me.