Year of Lasts

Tonight, I will be going to bed just like I have every night in the past (well most nights at least). But tomorrow; tomorrow I'll wake up different.

It's been 3 years coming, this night has. 3 years, I've waited and waited, longed for and hoped for. And now it here. Tomorrow morning I wake up a college senior. Tomorrow morning I begin my year of lasts, with my last first day of fall semester.

I'm torn between anxiety and excitement about the future.
Anxiety because I do not know where I will be, what I would have accomplished and what I would have failed to accomplish. I do not know if I will even make it to the end of senior but God carried me through my accident so I must be meant for more than the trials of school if I'm alive now.
(R.I.P. to those who cannot say same for they are with the Father. Paa Bed, I didn't know you at all but obviously, you meant a lot to a lot of people. Godspeed brother.)
Anxiety because of all the plans (A - D so far) I hope to fall back on, I'm not sure yet of which would hold, if any at all.

But despite all that, excitement because I feel as though graduation marks the beginning of an independence that I do not yet know. Yes, I have been living on my own and paying bills, etc. but there is something missing in all that that I feel graduation will bring.
Excitement also because I will finally find out what benefit college has been to me and how much of it I really will use. Classroom knowledge versus social/people handling knowledge…?

I'm not sure I like this whole not knowing exactly where I'm going kinda thing… Hmph.
Ok bedtime. I have a blasted 8am financial accounting class which I only have because I'm trying to figure out my post graduation plan A.1.

AArrrgggghhhhhhh! Ok ok bedtime. Gnyt y'all!

xx.
KD

Dear baby…

Hello my beautiful baby,

How are you doing? I'm not sure what I want to say but… here goes.
This is your mummy, well the 22 and 3 day old version of me and as much as I know I will love you, I hope I don't get to meet you at least for the next 2 (…maybe 3) years. I'm not very ready for you just yet considering I currently haven't even met your daddy yet. Well I may have met him but have no idea/clue/desire for him to be your daddy just yet, who ever this guy is. Haha! It would actually be interesting to find out who it is if I already do know your daddy now. LOL.

Why am I writing to you? Honestly? Right now, I'm avoiding my algorithms homework due tomorrow morning at 1o:50am and its 9:23pm right now. But also I've got you on my mind. See, a good friend of mine goes on and on about how she can't wait for a baby and even says, "I want a baby now!" Once or twice I have felt the same way but I'm not sure I ever have with as much passion as she shows. She literally lights up when she sees a baby and by baby I mean anyone under 7 (?) years old. So it's because of her that you are on my mind as she coos at yet another baby. …Will I ever really feel that way?

I'm wondering whether I'd be a good mother to you. Will I have picked the right father for you? And by that I'm not necessarily talking about your biological father (though I hope he is the one in question), but the one I choose to act in that capacity. One will love you as much as I do. One who will love and protect us. One who will make us a family. Will I protect you with all I have? Will I introduce you to your creator and to His word and show you the way He wants you to live? Will I teach you respect and still be the first person you come to when you need to talk? (And baby, if you are a boy yes, I'm talking to you too.)

Maybe these are just the fantasies of a 22-year-old woman and tears fill my eyes as I write this though I cannot explain why. There are so many lessons I believe I'm yet to learn before I can teach them to you. So many attitudes I'm yet to develop and many more I'm yet to get rid of. So much anger I need to let go off. I have a long way to go in my walk with God. …There is a lot more growing up I have to do before I can get to meet you. And I do no think even now I could bear to give you away simply because I was not ready to receive you… You, the gift that God may choose to give to me personally? Lord forbid.

But when God finally decides it's the right time that we meet, my only prayer is that I be the best mother I can possibly be and give you all the love, support and care you need. (This is all mushy stuff, but baby I can tell you now though I'm not sparing that rod if you need it.)

Should difficult homework be what inspires these letter to you my love, I do believe this is simply the first of many to come. And like the responsible and sensible person I hope to be when you finally read I should get back to this homework…
Sigh… if I'm working in the computer science industry as you read this come give me a big hug. (Well, either way I want a hug after this.)

Already, you have my love, always.

Do you ever sit and wonder…

Where you life is going? What you are meant to be doing? Why everyone seems to be getting ahead? Why homework is so bloody hard? Why nothing seems to be going right? …Where God is?

So I have a question for you… religious, spiritual, getting there, or not any more: What was your journey? What routes did you take? Proverbs and John? Church every Sunday? Everyday? Submerging yourself in the bible? What was it? For how long did you keep it up (for those who may have given up)? How did you change? What did you change?

How do you run on faith the size of a mustard seed? How did you manage to not doubt the capability of faith that size and didn't just give up (for those who are fulfilled … well more or less)?

It's meant to be easy… or rather not as difficult as quantum physics at least, but really then how… I'm not even sure what question I'm asking any more.

Jeremiah 29: 13 / Deut 4:29
How exactly would you define: "with all your heart"?
Would it be when you do nothing but turn to God? How would you learn to that after not doing it for …forever? So big a turning point. And when you try and fail and you seem to not be moving forward how you are able to keep searching with all your heart?

Yes, yes, faith, belief, prayer… I've heard. But really how do you keep the doubt from crawling back into your heart and cleaning out not only the cobwebs but the light you are trying to get to shine in there?
How do you handle people who seem to shut you out because you do not seem to on their level or do to seem to them to be trying to get there? I mean sure, be with your kind and those who understand you and do not be dragged down whatever yackedy schmack. But really. How do you get to a certain place when the examples you see are not the places you want to be or the others are places you cant seem to reach?

Ok, so these are just thoughts I'm pondering that are going over and over in my head and is all coming straight from there and therefore I doubt its making much sense what I am asking but if you understand and have an answer please do share.

I hope you are having a fantastic weekend though.
You should check out the video in my previous post. It should make you at least smile.

KuiDee.
P.S. So I meant I have QUESTIONS for you… plural as you may have realised… :) xx

She does nothing for me.

From one of the blogs I follow. I'm patiently (impatiently?) waiting my turn to write my own…
:D
(Think about how we do NOTHING for Him. Yet His entire purpose is surrounded about us… *…Mind Blown…*)

FOOL FOR LOVE: She does nothing for me.

I’d say about 90% of the time, she does nothing. Literally. She simply lies there. She can’t tell me a joke or run an errand. She doesn’t ask me how I’m feeling or give me birthday presents. She can’t even roll over or lift her head.

But I love her.

She’s my daughter.

From the moment she shattered my 6-year-old understanding of what my family was and broke into my world, I was taken by her, smitten with an unconditional love. Pink and wiggly with eyes that could barely open, I knew that I would do anything for her. Forever. Even now, when she can do nothing for me.

Photo Credit – Getty Images: Studio Paggy

So can’t talk or walk, clean up after herself, or help with dinner. She never changes her own clothes or gives herself a bath. She doesn’t care to let me sleep more than three hours at once or spend my free time on personal hobbies.

And yet I’m not angry because I love her.

She’s my daughter.

The best writers – especially those with a spiritual touch – have tried for ages to capture the definition of unconditional love. The limits of language only leave us with similes and metaphors for what such a love could be like. Omnipotent gods are said to love frail humanity with such a love, but being the object of unconditional love doesn’t quite make its reality clear in your mind. Maybe that’s the point. Because you can offer no reciprocal gift, you don’t quite realize that a transaction is even taking place.

Omnipotent gods don’t spit up on you when you just changed clothes or cry when they’re hungry in the middle of the night.

I held her in my arms and looked at her 8-hour-old face and knew that I loved her with a unique and unconditional love. She could do nothing for me. There was no material benefit she provided in my life, and still, I loved her.

My love for my wife – while unconditional now – was once predicated on attraction and compatibility. While dating, interests and conversations had to be aligned or appreciated before a mysterious, irrational, overwhelming love could swoop in and swaddle us. And now, nearly eight years after falling in love with her, we’ve created not just a baby who will look like us, but we’ve created a category of love that stands beyond us and consumes us, taking us to a point where we love like we’ve never loved before.

All You Need Blogger: Sam Davidson via Ophelia's Webb

Slacker

Yet again it is one of those days when you randomly look about on the internet for interesting things to do and read about and you come across these people who are doing things with their lives and you may be a junior in college with a great financial aid package and so many blessings but still feel like you are a "do-nothing slacker"!!!!!

Gracious and all these people, doings things and getting ahead are ALWAYS, younger than you.
And you look around and ask, what kkrraaaaaaa am I doing with my life??

Oh my psych prof actually used "WTF" in explaining something in class. Haha. Must be another of those things about growing up, the professors know and have come to terms with you've been there and said that.

Ironic how I feel as though my college houses some of the most IMMATURE people ever. Argh. And I thought this was a thing of high school and I was moving forward. Boy was I WRONG!!!
Sigh.
Ah well.

FALL BREAK!!! …finally.

Wedded Bliss

So this all started about a year ago…
I was at work joyfully being aimless (yes, my boss knows, hehe) when this woman (…hmmm another point. ok maybe more than a year ago) comes up to me and says she would need to have her username changed because she had gotten married over the summer. And considering her request that meant she was at most a college senior.
I FREAKED OUT! (Well after I had directed her to the appropriate personnel of course)

It had not occurred to me till right then and there that I was growing up…fast.
I remember the days when whenever I heard that someone was getting married it was one of my parents' friends or some older person. But now, it was the people around me, people my age who were getting married.
And suddenly everyone was getting married, it was as though my eyes-are-closed-to-all-things-marriage-related bubble burst. People my age who I knew directly or through others were making that life long commitment to be with someone the rest of their lives.
THAT'S A HUGE-NORMOUS COMMITMENT.
My roommates can attest to the shock I was in for the following week.

And from that point I started noticing all sorts of other things. My to-do lists did not only include deadlines for getting various class projects done but also:
going to the supermarket to get things I needed,
making sure that my bank account would allow me to get those things,
would I have time to make something to eat and still get these things done,
being roped into various projects that are totally nonacademic,
paying big bills every month
GARGANTUAN RESPONSIBILITIES
and the list goes on.

And there were other more interesting things like tall glasses of hot chocolates that I noticed and had always and will always notice but… it hit just how much I noticed them and how I was not alone in noticing and going mmmmm with eyes closed and big smiles. (Lardy, that night was a shocker. lol) and how this place that I am in has a big lack of them. grr.

But anyways, when did this all happen???
Where did the times I was content with a book and cuddling Benjie in bed go?
Where did the times when I did not worry about bills and when I was getting paid go?
Where did the times when 24 hrs in the day was MORE than enough go to class, eat, sleep, get homework done and still have time over to be aimless and bug my mother (who was 6 feet and not 6092 miles away) go?

ARGH!!!!
And coming back to that other point, did you notice when people started calling you "woman" (or "man")?? I didn't really, when suddenly it was obviously only my parents would call me girl (or some bug-eyed, frog-tongued weirdo on university avenue… forgive me). It was either lady or woman, never girl. And all around me my friends gladly claimed the title. and my roommate would always mock-scold me starting with, "Look here woman!"

Anyways, what got me thinking about all this (other than the bill that I know is waiting for me) at work last week I found out one of my co-workers had gotten engaged last year (forgive me for only just noticing the ring eh) and then the entire office launched into a discussion on financial aid and how getting married in college screws it all up and something something jazz jazz.
Knowing me it stuck in my head but… and here comes the best part.
That night I dreamt I had gotten married. Surprise surprise. But the funny thing was it actually was surprising because in my dream I remember looking down at my ring and I was happy… when I say happy, I mean HAPPY. It wasn't the jumping about, throwing your air and dancing in circles excitedly with your closest girlfriends but the kinda happy that I guess if I were in a movie someone would go "You are glowing."

…Now as to who the guy I got married to was…

…
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Let's all wait patiently to find out k! :)

XOXO, K.D.

Because I lived…

That caption says, "A hundred years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in or the kind of car I drove… but the world may be different because I was important in the life of child."

So again, I was at the chiropractor today waiting to get my STEM therapy (some vibrating back massage thingy the function/purpose of which I still do not understand despite the numerous questions) and a troublesome shelf had been replaced with this framed poster (diff. picture tho, but same words).

This semester I managed to sneak into a leadership class meant for freshman by pulling a few of the strings I found over the summer through my job. I did this because in December back home I'm helping plan and facilitate a leadership program for JSS (junior high school) students and I thought this would be the "easiest" (30 pg readings and all) way to get first hand information on some things I could bring to the program. But more importantly it was because I felt if I did nothing else with my life I want another person's life to be significantly better because I lived. And this is what I told the class when we had to share our dreams.

In response to this, another student in the class commented on how attainable that goal was. And it was at the point that I actually realized how true that is. I do not need to wait for a specific avenue or a specific person on even this leadership program (though that is like my baby right now) but I can reach the people right here right now.

Despite the caption, I cannot honestly say that significantly changing a life is my highest priority right now not with the 200+ pages I have to read by tomorrow, but it gets a high score on the list. Either way this is speaks to my passions and what I have found I want to do with myself and how I'm going to do that (especially the "significantly" bit). But for now I'm going to start with the little insignificant ways I know how.

So I'm off to go give someone a hug, and draw a smile and make their lives better… even if its just slightly, remember little drops of water…
:)

Passions

Everyone knows the saying: If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything (Well it goes something like that I'm sure). Also in an earlier post I said "Believe in something; anything. You’d be less confused …at least in one area." (I also happened to follow that with: "When you give advice to others, you might want to learn to take it too." I really should start listening to myself, I sound wise. :/ )

Anyways, my point:
I honestly am not sure what things I believe in. Of course, there is God, love, and family. But what I'm talking about is the passionate belief in something that is obvious to the world like that of Mother Teresa, Martin L. King, and Kimmie Weeks to name a few. These people were/are so passionate about their beliefs that they did something about it, either they encouraged people to share in their passion, actively acted on their passion, or did both. The others I'm sure you know of all the others but Kimmie Weeks. Kimmie Weeks; He is something else.
He started displaying his passion at 14, the point at which he'd decided that he did not want to see another child go through what he had been through during the first civil war in Liberia, his home country. A time during which he was so malnourished and thus immobile that his body was thrown into the pile of dead ones where his frantic mother found him. Now he has helped the children of Africa in SO many ways. Kudos, Mr. Weeks! But, Lord forbid that I or anyone would have to face death and suffering to stand up for something that I believe in.

I've always said if nothing else, I want the fact that I was alive make at least one other life better than it would have been. There! I guess that's one thing I believe in and I pray the burning passion follows soon. For now my head and heart are very cluttered places that need a good spring cleaning.

I commend those who have already grabbed bulls by their horns and are doing something about the things they feel.

To the iStandAbove Organization, Rights to Rights Foundation, Open Hands Foundation, EASE (MIT), MIG, Aisha Obuobi, Lifestylz GH and all others acting on their passions and effecting the change they want to see in the world: Ayekoo!!

If you have a passion, do something about it. If you don't know how, make your first step asking questions, you'll get there some how, trust me. Don't let it die!!

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

-Marianne Williamson.