Question: Should there privacy in relationships?

Topic word: Privacy
My word: Trust
Someone else's word that caught my attention: Communication.

First thought: Everyone is entitled to their privacy. You were not born with your significant other nor do you have the exact same histories. Even identical twins have separate birth times. I think this question is flirting with questions on trust, vulnerability and perhaps control.

Second thought: Privacy and communication are not mutually exclusive.

Third thought(s): What exactly is your definition of privacy? What are the boundaries you are hoping to push? break? Why? How does that affect what you what to know?

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I saw this topic pop up on Twitter (#fiestadebate) and like seeds in fertile (bored) soil, it took root. So here are the stem, branches and leaves that is my mind map.

Please note I am not claiming to have authority or significant experience on the topic. These are just my 2 cents, take them for what they're worth.

The general conclusive jist I gathered was the topic seemed to become about secrecy rather than privacy. I think those two words are very different. It seemed that most concluded that based on the potential adverse effects on a relationship, some things are best kept quiet. When on I'm my knees in prayer, am I not allowed my privacy then? Consider how differently you may respond to that question if instead of prayer I was texting an ex.

One person quoted, "What you do not know and won't find out, won't kill you."
Er, AIDS? Hello? I feel like I would VERY MUCH like to know if my SO has AIDS. I can't say I know how I would take something like that, but I do know I would want to know. Knowingly not sharing something like that is cruel. This specific case I don't think is a matter on privacy, but health, safety and livelihood.

Would I want to know if you slept with my best friend/sister/ex (which, btw, if you're into, I def want to know) right before/after/during the wedding?
Or if you are millions in debt?
Or if there a serious but latent diseases in your family?
If you've been raped? (This is another area I think it would be somewhat cruel, for lack of a better word, not only to your SO but also to yourself not to share, considering the physical and mental effects, esp. if you're planning on the long term with this person.)

These have to do with trust. With some things it would hurt and trust would properly be broken, but that's where you decide whether it is worth enough to you to glue together and accept the cracks or throw the pieces away. In other areas, trust could even be strengthened! Have some faith in your relationship!! Either where, might at well know ahead of time if you are on a rock or on sand. Right?

Now, do I want to know if you like to wank off with extra chunky Skippy peanut butter? No please. THIS right here is privacy. As long as you are not expecting strawberry jam in places, we're good.

...I think I should get back to work now...

The Heat ...;)

This song has an awesome, awesome beat that I thoroughly enjoy, but I never really paid attention to the lyrics.

I looked them up and now here they are. And in this moment, I think I enjoy it even more...:P

I got a loss of appetite, I'm so tired
I can't sleep, can't dream, wake up every night
Chills runnin' down my spine, my fever is so high
The thought of you and I got the

Boy, you don't know what it's like, it looks like
It feels like, acts like, taking on a life
Oh, it all started in my mind
It spreads to my insides, it's takin' over my body

I got the heat, see the red in my cheeks
It's suffocating me, got the hot, hot heat
She got the heat from her head to her feet
She tried to shake it, shake it, shake it
But she just can't beat the

Here comes the heat like a fire in me
Burnin' up through my blood, got the hot, hot heat
He got the heat and he put it on me
Like a spell from the devil, now I just can't beat, heat

See the fire in my eyes but don't stare
Don't look too long or boy you might catch fire
Say you don't mind if it eats you alive
If it pokes out your eyes, you come close
You're playin' with fire

See the changes in your touch it's a rush
The passion in your blood bubbling up
Ooh, a crush can't touch this lust, boy

I got the heat, see the red in my cheeks
It's suffocating me, got the hot, hot heat
She got the heat from her head to her feet
She tried to shake it, shake it, shake it
But she just can't beat the

Here comes the heat like a fire in me
Burnin' up through my blood, got the hot, hot heat
He got the heat and he put it on me
Like a spell from the devil, now I just can't beat, heat

Burning, I'm burning up
Burning up, burning up, can't beat the heat
Burning, I'm burning up
Burning up, burning up for your love

Burning, I'm burning up
Here comes the heat
Burning, I'm burning up
Burning up, burning up for your love

I think it's something in the air, it's out there
She got it, he got it, you got it, I got it bad
Got me walkin' in circles, seeing in purple
Saying ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, oh

Got me spinnin' in a spell, I'm not well
I'm at home listening to Nina Simone
Boy, you're so contagious how much more can I take of this
Takin' over my body

I got the heat, see the red in my cheeks
It's suffocating me, got the hot, hot heat
She got the heat from her head to her feet
She tried to shake it, shake it, shake it
But she just can't beat the

Here comes the heat like a fire in me
Burnin' up through my blood, got the hot, hot heat
He got the heat and he put it on me
Like a spell from the devil, now I just can't beat, heat

I got the heat, can't beat the heat
She got the heat, can't beat the heat
He got the heat, can't beat the heat
You got the heat

 

The Heat - Anjulie.

Lists

1. Have you ever sat and tried to list (metaphorically... of course) the people that you care about? 
2. Do you think about the criteria you use to list those people?
3. Do you randomly think of one more person and try to decide whether to include them or not on your list? 
4. How does your decision to decidedly say, "No, this person doesn't meet such and such criteria" make you feel? 
5. Do you begin to rethink your definition of "care about"?
6. Does it, then, open a whole other can of worms that you hadn't thought about? 
7. Does it begin to get confusing?
8. Do you begin to feel like a bad person? 
9. Do the sayings like "seasons change" or "friends come and go" help? 
10. Do you begin to wonder whether this person or persons care at all? 
11. Do you conclude no?
12. Do you then wonder how a simple mind tangent ended up in much deeper depressing thoughts?

Forgive. Forget. Get over it. Move on.

I think these phrases get thrown about so often that no one really understands what it means anymore. Thrown about like raw rice at a newly wed bride and groom who have jumped head (over heels) first into a lifetime commitment.

And the key word here is commitment.

When these phrases get thrown, you best be poised to catch them, not let them be trampled underfoot by excited guests impatient to get to the booze and partying. Ok, enough with the bad metaphors.

For anyone to be able to forgive, forget, get over it and move on requires a significant amount of commitment (though I do not truly believe that of these four, you can ever really forget).

It hit me yesterday that whenever I thought about time travel (don't act you haven't thought about it, even if it was to think it was dumb and not indulge in the fantasy) and I would ALWAYS choose to go back to Christmas 2008. I'd say that there are many other points after X'mas 08 that I could go back to, to which this blog would apply, but X08 is a.... catch-all through to now.

I do wonder, though, would I change anything if I didn't retain the knowledge I have now? Would I, could I, choose to be smarter? To listen to myself? My friends? Family? Or even tell family what was going on at all in the first place?

I honestly can't say anything would change. But hey, a girl can hope.

And in all that, I realise that I'm not 100% sure that I've actually forgiven. I forget sometimes and then I'm rudely reminded and sometimes a plethora of emotion from anger through embarrassment to regret would surface. Have I gotten over it? Lol. Good question. Moved on? I would say yes, but if I can feel all that, have I really?

Anyways, here is what I think it would take. This is what I'm still working on 4.5 years later and would continue to work on for a while because I'm still alive and life definitely doesn't stay monotonous too long.

Forgive
I need to understand that while I need people around and need to learn to let them in, I can not expect them to NEVER disappoint me... because they will. We are all human. But I also need to believe that it doesn't mean that they don't care about me.

Forget
I think I might struggle with this the longest though Lord knows I can fake it pretty well (I think). While I doubt I'd ever truly forget I do believe that the advice in this is to let it go. It happened and it's over. There's nothing you can do to change it, you can only change you[rself], the way you think about it, the way you feel about and the lessons you take with you from it. Forget the past to preserve the future. Leave the baggage behind. Ain't nobody got time for that.
(Shout out to [a friend] who patiently and more recently pointed this out to me. ...Thank you.)

Get Over It
Sigh. When you've been hurt, this is difficult. And that's normal. It took me a while to understand that it's ok to feel the hurt and to allow myself to feel it. I tried so hard to show the world that I was fine. Most thought I was/didn't know why I wouldn't be. Some saw glimpses through the cracks and others happened to be present when I'd occasionally break down about it because I just couldn't hold it together anymore. And I think that just caused the "getting over it" to take FOREVER. There are times were I realise I'm still getting over it... But at least now I know I'm allowed to take my time and to heal probably.

Move On
Sometimes you really just have no choice about this. Unless you like decide to literally jump off a cliff or something... Don't do that.
The good Lord saw it fit to wake me/us the next morning (or afternoon), and the one after that and the one after that and each one more after that. He gave us a brand new day to turn to Him and thank Him for His encouragement to move on. It's like He's saying "I'm still here, sweetheart. I'll always be right here for you."

"When a good thing goes bad it's not the end of the world, it's just the end of a world." - Drake  (emphasis mine).

Body Language

The intensity of his deceptively lazy gaze
The strength of his long, linked fingers
The low trembling timbre of his voice

The liquid chocolate of his eyes
The confident lift of his chin
The cocky lean of his head

The whisper of his caress
The secrets of his smile
The call of his skin

My racing heart.

Cosine Waves - a medley.

Where are you now? When I need you around
I'm on my knees but it seems we're
Going nowhere fast. We’ve reached the climax.
Were together now we’re undone.
I miss you, like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away
I said I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same?
My eyes don't shed tears, but, boy, they bawl
When I'm thinkin' 'bout you (Ooh, no, no, no)
I've been thinkin' 'bout you (You know, know, know)
I've been thinkin' 'bout you
Do you think about me still?
Do ya, do ya?
Or do you not think so far ahead? (Ahead)
'Cause I been thinkin' 'bout forever (Oooh, oooh)

*Melodramatic saxophone solo with drawn out decrescendo*

I've got a different approach to dealing with emotion.

Keeping control of my boat, while drifting on this ocean.
Keeping my head to the sky, keeping tears out of my eyes.
Unless happiness be the reason that I decide to cry.
And life's too short to dwell on all that's wrong.
Numbin’ up

Since you’ve been away, love’s been MIA
Done looking for love, cause you took away her

Now I’m MIA

Feeling better today

So much better.

What You Deserve

An extract; a fraction… of a much "needed to hear" whole.

…Perhaps most of all, though, you deserve to be okay. You deserve to know that a day in which you can just barely get out of bed because you are sad, or sick, or simply not ready to see the outside is not the end of the world. You deserve to know that moments of weakness do not make you fundamentally weak, only fundamentally human, and that sometimes we’re not going to be effusively happy, and that is okay. You deserve to be happy just existing and not constantly holding yourself up to a standard of fake smiles and forced cheerfulness. You deserve to not beat yourself up when you do not reach perfect acceptance of your body, your personality, the love you receive, or anything else that may come your way. Though you should know that you are worthy of these things, learning to be happy just in a kind of stasis with yourself is a long process, and you should know that we are all working on it. You deserve to live through all of your emotions, all of your states of motivation, and know that as long as you are treating everyone with kindness (including yourself), you have nothing to be ashamed of.

- Chelsea Fagan; Thought Catalog 

Click here for the full piece.

Done.

Dear you,

And I do mean it when I say 'Dear.' It is not meant, in this case, to simply be a way to begin a letter; as difficult a letter as this may be to write. But I think it's time that it came. Time that the words found their way out of my mind. Even if it is just through my fingers. That yellow stripe goes far and wide down my back. It's been long overdue but I thought I would never need it. I hoped. Prayed. That I'd never need it. Prayed that you'd one day, soon, not want so much.

I know this is my fault though. I needed you too much. I needed you to listen, to be there, to make me laugh, to comfort me, to make me feel like I had a 'person.' And you did just that and more. I took it all for granted. It became evident quickly how you felt and you spared no words letting me know. I was flattered. Now I understand I'm undeserving. I didn't feel the same and I let you know that but still continued to need you and you continued, expertly, to be there. "Best friends" Ha. It was my excuse; my cope out way of keeping you in my life but still side-stepping what you wanted. Ignoring how you felt… feel.

And then I found Love. It took me forever to tell you about him. I didn't know how; didn't know which nouns, verbs or adjectives to use; which ones would work right, hurt less.

"I love you but I'm in love with someone else?"

That seemed too movie-like.  Cliché almost. But finally, in many more words and a lot more time, I told you about him. Of course, you've been through a variety of responses to it since (Can I just add here that your "Marvin's Room" comment actually really hurt…).

Anyway, this never-ending string of words I've strung is me trying to say I'm done. I managed to convince myself that I wasn't leading you on, but I continued to talk, to complain, to laugh, even to be indifferent… I continued to need you. You have been a fantastic friend; a best friend, but I haven't done the same for you. I'm not even sure now whether I'm doing this for you or for myself. It's not the best feeling knowing that you are hurting because of me.

That said, I think we need time apart. Emotionally. The physical distance is already covered. I truly hope we survive this in the long run; but Dear you, I'm done leading you on.

Hesitantly,
KuiDee.