Vision 20/20

You make me feel things, KVD. 

Conflicting things...

Confusing things...

...Amazing things.

Like how I feel all grown up with you but still like a kid too, especially when you make me giggle like one. 

Like how I feel smart and insightful when you ask for my advice and actually take it and then you turn right around and build me up with wisdom and I wonder why you were ever asking me advice at all. Maybe just to humour me. 

Like how I feel strong when you lean on me, tell me what's wrong and open up your heart to me like I am the only one who can fix it and I then feel hopeless because I can't. But then right after, I feel like I'm the one who's treasured and protected when I'm wrapped up in your arms. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm not enough for you, disappointing you and can't even see the top of this pedestal you have for me, let alone be on it. But then you smile, hold me tight, blow raspberries on my neck till I wrestle out of reach and then you patiently explain that what I'm trying to see is my own pedestal. Then you point me to yours; and you climb up on this pedestal with me and tell me you'll always be there for me, standing beside me, holding my hand till I see what you see. 

I think I'm beginning to believe you...

...To be continued.

Struggling with the 90%

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it” - C.R. Swindoll

(For all those who landed on this page thinking this was something Wall Street / Political / Serious business issues.... sorry... #KanyeShrug)

Here is my most recent 10% : 

1. Impacted wisdom tooth extraction - I'll spare you the gory details and just say it wasn't pretty. And also that Dr. House must be very good at handling pain, because Vicodin doesn't do Sh. 

2. Having a lazy day, and decide I'd cook for a change, of course, I need groceries. I go out and find 1/4 of my car gone. I exaggerate, but either way the car is not drivable. And the very smart person didn't leave a note.

3. During of the above events, my new team at work as needed me to be at a prep meeting for a client pursuit.

My current 90%:

&*%#($&*^@#$)(@#*(#$&(^#@%$)*#&@*)&^$)@(#)*&$^(*@&#%$(&^@%)&&^@#@^!@$

(I'm trying to depict passionate swearing here, however, this just looks like a fancy page border to me...)

The 90% I'm trying to get to: 

1. It was the last complicated tooth! Yay! 

2. I wasn't in the car! Yay!

3. Worst case scenario means I eventually get a new car! Yay!

4. I have time to fix the potentially horrid perception my new team not has of me... I think. 

Intellectually, I know that the second 90% is the way to go and there are multiple benefits that come with thinking that way and thinking positively and blah blah yackidy schmack, but it's hella hard to get there emotionally. 

I tried to figure the very specific reasons why I was so upset about it. 

Was it because my currently asymmetrical face was fighting hard for attention as though the pain it caused wasn't attention grabbing enough? 

Because of the money I'm going to have to dish out for the car?

The chance that insurance was going to see it as a complete loss? (Which they did)

The inconvenience? 

My new team has everlasting memory and will hold me to a perception created by things I could not control? 

Believing I could've controlled the events (never pulling the tooth, moving the car to a different spot, etc.)?

I dunno. It's all of those? How do I move my thinking from that to "I may get a new car yay!". Sigh. This is hard.... 

Lord help me because THIS STRUGGLE IS REAL!

Update: Guess who's on the market for a new car.

Question: Should there privacy in relationships?

Topic word: Privacy
My word: Trust
Someone else's word that caught my attention: Communication.

First thought: Everyone is entitled to their privacy. You were not born with your significant other nor do you have the exact same histories. Even identical twins have separate birth times. I think this question is flirting with questions on trust, vulnerability and perhaps control.

Second thought: Privacy and communication are not mutually exclusive.

Third thought(s): What exactly is your definition of privacy? What are the boundaries you are hoping to push? break? Why? How does that affect what you what to know?

---

I saw this topic pop up on Twitter (#fiestadebate) and like seeds in fertile (bored) soil, it took root. So here are the stem, branches and leaves that is my mind map.

Please note I am not claiming to have authority or significant experience on the topic. These are just my 2 cents, take them for what they're worth.

The general conclusive jist I gathered was the topic seemed to become about secrecy rather than privacy. I think those two words are very different. It seemed that most concluded that based on the potential adverse effects on a relationship, some things are best kept quiet. When on I'm my knees in prayer, am I not allowed my privacy then? Consider how differently you may respond to that question if instead of prayer I was texting an ex.

One person quoted, "What you do not know and won't find out, won't kill you."
Er, AIDS? Hello? I feel like I would VERY MUCH like to know if my SO has AIDS. I can't say I know how I would take something like that, but I do know I would want to know. Knowingly not sharing something like that is cruel. This specific case I don't think is a matter on privacy, but health, safety and livelihood.

Would I want to know if you slept with my best friend/sister/ex (which, btw, if you're into, I def want to know) right before/after/during the wedding?
Or if you are millions in debt?
Or if there a serious but latent diseases in your family?
If you've been raped? (This is another area I think it would be somewhat cruel, for lack of a better word, not only to your SO but also to yourself not to share, considering the physical and mental effects, esp. if you're planning on the long term with this person.)

These have to do with trust. With some things it would hurt and trust would properly be broken, but that's where you decide whether it is worth enough to you to glue together and accept the cracks or throw the pieces away. In other areas, trust could even be strengthened! Have some faith in your relationship!! Either where, might at well know ahead of time if you are on a rock or on sand. Right?

Now, do I want to know if you like to wank off with extra chunky Skippy peanut butter? No please. THIS right here is privacy. As long as you are not expecting strawberry jam in places, we're good.

...I think I should get back to work now...