Shaken and Stirred

While I usually have opinions and reactions to various things that happen in this larger country of the united states, they are not known beyond my immediate circle which is a rather small circle. And even then, my emotions are not very intense nor do they last very long. This time it's different.

Minneapolis, MN. 

I have shed tears watching the video of Floyd, reading and listening to stories of his friends, relatives, and fiancee on the news, and reading stories of black men who have to call the police ahead of going to do their jobs in a neighbourhood where they are likely to have the police called on them for doing just that. My heart just aches. While I knew I was upset about it all, just how much really didn't hit me until perhaps some hours ago.

Driving back home this morning, I noticed flashing lights on the street ahead of me; The car slowed but my mind raced. "There are no immediate turns to allow me to avoid passing the vehicle", "I could turn around but that might look suspicious?", "I should speed back up or I might draw attention." Turns out it was a maintenance vehicle just sitting there with its lights going. Whew.

Still going, I'm daydreaming at a stop light and call my mum (hands free), light turns green, I turn left into the left lane rather than the right lane where I usually go. That's when I noticed the cop car stopped across the street at a light behind me. I don't remember any physical reactions because [distractions] but I pulled into a church parking lot to continue talking to mum.

On getting home and talking to Beau about what happened my voice broke and tears poured, surprising me. It was only at that point that I realised that I must have been damn scared. Probably irrationally considering the maintenance car was empty and the police car didn't even cross the street before I turned off the road but it is evidenced over and over again that the colour of my skin and the skins of my hearts seem to attract the same irrationalities.

Necks are meant to cradle the heads of loved ones not choke under the knees of blind, close-minded, colourless, hyperinflated egos.

The colour of the wrapping paper doesn't change the gift inside. 

WE. ARE. WORTHY.

Vision 20/20

You make me feel things, KVD. 

Conflicting things...

Confusing things...

...Amazing things.

Like how I feel all grown up with you but still like a kid too, especially when you make me giggle like one. 

Like how I feel smart and insightful when you ask for my advice and actually take it and then you turn right around and build me up with wisdom and I wonder why you were ever asking me advice at all. Maybe just to humour me. 

Like how I feel strong when you lean on me, tell me what's wrong and open up your heart to me like I am the only one who can fix it and I then feel hopeless because I can't. But then right after, I feel like I'm the one who's treasured and protected when I'm wrapped up in your arms. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm not enough for you, disappointing you and can't even see the top of this pedestal you have for me, let alone be on it. But then you smile, hold me tight, blow raspberries on my neck till I wrestle out of reach and then you patiently explain that what I'm trying to see is my own pedestal. Then you point me to yours; and you climb up on this pedestal with me and tell me you'll always be there for me, standing beside me, holding my hand till I see what you see. 

I think I'm beginning to believe you...

...To be continued.

Struggling with the 90%

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it” - C.R. Swindoll

(For all those who landed on this page thinking this was something Wall Street / Political / Serious business issues.... sorry... #KanyeShrug)

Here is my most recent 10% : 

1. Impacted wisdom tooth extraction - I'll spare you the gory details and just say it wasn't pretty. And also that Dr. House must be very good at handling pain, because Vicodin doesn't do Sh. 

2. Having a lazy day, and decide I'd cook for a change, of course, I need groceries. I go out and find 1/4 of my car gone. I exaggerate, but either way the car is not drivable. And the very smart person didn't leave a note.

3. During of the above events, my new team at work as needed me to be at a prep meeting for a client pursuit.

My current 90%:

&*%#($&*^@#$)(@#*(#$&(^#@%$)*#&@*)&^$)@(#)*&$^(*@&#%$(&^@%)&&^@#@^!@$

(I'm trying to depict passionate swearing here, however, this just looks like a fancy page border to me...)

The 90% I'm trying to get to: 

1. It was the last complicated tooth! Yay! 

2. I wasn't in the car! Yay!

3. Worst case scenario means I eventually get a new car! Yay!

4. I have time to fix the potentially horrid perception my new team not has of me... I think. 

Intellectually, I know that the second 90% is the way to go and there are multiple benefits that come with thinking that way and thinking positively and blah blah yackidy schmack, but it's hella hard to get there emotionally. 

I tried to figure the very specific reasons why I was so upset about it. 

Was it because my currently asymmetrical face was fighting hard for attention as though the pain it caused wasn't attention grabbing enough? 

Because of the money I'm going to have to dish out for the car?

The chance that insurance was going to see it as a complete loss? (Which they did)

The inconvenience? 

My new team has everlasting memory and will hold me to a perception created by things I could not control? 

Believing I could've controlled the events (never pulling the tooth, moving the car to a different spot, etc.)?

I dunno. It's all of those? How do I move my thinking from that to "I may get a new car yay!". Sigh. This is hard.... 

Lord help me because THIS STRUGGLE IS REAL!

Update: Guess who's on the market for a new car.

Question: Should there privacy in relationships?

Topic word: Privacy
My word: Trust
Someone else's word that caught my attention: Communication.

First thought: Everyone is entitled to their privacy. You were not born with your significant other nor do you have the exact same histories. Even identical twins have separate birth times. I think this question is flirting with questions on trust, vulnerability and perhaps control.

Second thought: Privacy and communication are not mutually exclusive.

Third thought(s): What exactly is your definition of privacy? What are the boundaries you are hoping to push? break? Why? How does that affect what you what to know?

---

I saw this topic pop up on Twitter (#fiestadebate) and like seeds in fertile (bored) soil, it took root. So here are the stem, branches and leaves that is my mind map.

Please note I am not claiming to have authority or significant experience on the topic. These are just my 2 cents, take them for what they're worth.

The general conclusive jist I gathered was the topic seemed to become about secrecy rather than privacy. I think those two words are very different. It seemed that most concluded that based on the potential adverse effects on a relationship, some things are best kept quiet. When on I'm my knees in prayer, am I not allowed my privacy then? Consider how differently you may respond to that question if instead of prayer I was texting an ex.

One person quoted, "What you do not know and won't find out, won't kill you."
Er, AIDS? Hello? I feel like I would VERY MUCH like to know if my SO has AIDS. I can't say I know how I would take something like that, but I do know I would want to know. Knowingly not sharing something like that is cruel. This specific case I don't think is a matter on privacy, but health, safety and livelihood.

Would I want to know if you slept with my best friend/sister/ex (which, btw, if you're into, I def want to know) right before/after/during the wedding?
Or if you are millions in debt?
Or if there a serious but latent diseases in your family?
If you've been raped? (This is another area I think it would be somewhat cruel, for lack of a better word, not only to your SO but also to yourself not to share, considering the physical and mental effects, esp. if you're planning on the long term with this person.)

These have to do with trust. With some things it would hurt and trust would properly be broken, but that's where you decide whether it is worth enough to you to glue together and accept the cracks or throw the pieces away. In other areas, trust could even be strengthened! Have some faith in your relationship!! Either where, might at well know ahead of time if you are on a rock or on sand. Right?

Now, do I want to know if you like to wank off with extra chunky Skippy peanut butter? No please. THIS right here is privacy. As long as you are not expecting strawberry jam in places, we're good.

...I think I should get back to work now...

The Heat ...;)

This song has an awesome, awesome beat that I thoroughly enjoy, but I never really paid attention to the lyrics.

I looked them up and now here they are. And in this moment, I think I enjoy it even more...:P

I got a loss of appetite, I'm so tired
I can't sleep, can't dream, wake up every night
Chills runnin' down my spine, my fever is so high
The thought of you and I got the

Boy, you don't know what it's like, it looks like
It feels like, acts like, taking on a life
Oh, it all started in my mind
It spreads to my insides, it's takin' over my body

I got the heat, see the red in my cheeks
It's suffocating me, got the hot, hot heat
She got the heat from her head to her feet
She tried to shake it, shake it, shake it
But she just can't beat the

Here comes the heat like a fire in me
Burnin' up through my blood, got the hot, hot heat
He got the heat and he put it on me
Like a spell from the devil, now I just can't beat, heat

See the fire in my eyes but don't stare
Don't look too long or boy you might catch fire
Say you don't mind if it eats you alive
If it pokes out your eyes, you come close
You're playin' with fire

See the changes in your touch it's a rush
The passion in your blood bubbling up
Ooh, a crush can't touch this lust, boy

I got the heat, see the red in my cheeks
It's suffocating me, got the hot, hot heat
She got the heat from her head to her feet
She tried to shake it, shake it, shake it
But she just can't beat the

Here comes the heat like a fire in me
Burnin' up through my blood, got the hot, hot heat
He got the heat and he put it on me
Like a spell from the devil, now I just can't beat, heat

Burning, I'm burning up
Burning up, burning up, can't beat the heat
Burning, I'm burning up
Burning up, burning up for your love

Burning, I'm burning up
Here comes the heat
Burning, I'm burning up
Burning up, burning up for your love

I think it's something in the air, it's out there
She got it, he got it, you got it, I got it bad
Got me walkin' in circles, seeing in purple
Saying ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, oh

Got me spinnin' in a spell, I'm not well
I'm at home listening to Nina Simone
Boy, you're so contagious how much more can I take of this
Takin' over my body

I got the heat, see the red in my cheeks
It's suffocating me, got the hot, hot heat
She got the heat from her head to her feet
She tried to shake it, shake it, shake it
But she just can't beat the

Here comes the heat like a fire in me
Burnin' up through my blood, got the hot, hot heat
He got the heat and he put it on me
Like a spell from the devil, now I just can't beat, heat

I got the heat, can't beat the heat
She got the heat, can't beat the heat
He got the heat, can't beat the heat
You got the heat

 

The Heat - Anjulie.

Lists

1. Have you ever sat and tried to list (metaphorically... of course) the people that you care about? 
2. Do you think about the criteria you use to list those people?
3. Do you randomly think of one more person and try to decide whether to include them or not on your list? 
4. How does your decision to decidedly say, "No, this person doesn't meet such and such criteria" make you feel? 
5. Do you begin to rethink your definition of "care about"?
6. Does it, then, open a whole other can of worms that you hadn't thought about? 
7. Does it begin to get confusing?
8. Do you begin to feel like a bad person? 
9. Do the sayings like "seasons change" or "friends come and go" help? 
10. Do you begin to wonder whether this person or persons care at all? 
11. Do you conclude no?
12. Do you then wonder how a simple mind tangent ended up in much deeper depressing thoughts?

Forgive. Forget. Get over it. Move on.

I think these phrases get thrown about so often that no one really understands what it means anymore. Thrown about like raw rice at a newly wed bride and groom who have jumped head (over heels) first into a lifetime commitment.

And the key word here is commitment.

When these phrases get thrown, you best be poised to catch them, not let them be trampled underfoot by excited guests impatient to get to the booze and partying. Ok, enough with the bad metaphors.

For anyone to be able to forgive, forget, get over it and move on requires a significant amount of commitment (though I do not truly believe that of these four, you can ever really forget).

It hit me yesterday that whenever I thought about time travel (don't act you haven't thought about it, even if it was to think it was dumb and not indulge in the fantasy) and I would ALWAYS choose to go back to Christmas 2008. I'd say that there are many other points after X'mas 08 that I could go back to, to which this blog would apply, but X08 is a.... catch-all through to now.

I do wonder, though, would I change anything if I didn't retain the knowledge I have now? Would I, could I, choose to be smarter? To listen to myself? My friends? Family? Or even tell family what was going on at all in the first place?

I honestly can't say anything would change. But hey, a girl can hope.

And in all that, I realise that I'm not 100% sure that I've actually forgiven. I forget sometimes and then I'm rudely reminded and sometimes a plethora of emotion from anger through embarrassment to regret would surface. Have I gotten over it? Lol. Good question. Moved on? I would say yes, but if I can feel all that, have I really?

Anyways, here is what I think it would take. This is what I'm still working on 4.5 years later and would continue to work on for a while because I'm still alive and life definitely doesn't stay monotonous too long.

Forgive
I need to understand that while I need people around and need to learn to let them in, I can not expect them to NEVER disappoint me... because they will. We are all human. But I also need to believe that it doesn't mean that they don't care about me.

Forget
I think I might struggle with this the longest though Lord knows I can fake it pretty well (I think). While I doubt I'd ever truly forget I do believe that the advice in this is to let it go. It happened and it's over. There's nothing you can do to change it, you can only change you[rself], the way you think about it, the way you feel about and the lessons you take with you from it. Forget the past to preserve the future. Leave the baggage behind. Ain't nobody got time for that.
(Shout out to [a friend] who patiently and more recently pointed this out to me. ...Thank you.)

Get Over It
Sigh. When you've been hurt, this is difficult. And that's normal. It took me a while to understand that it's ok to feel the hurt and to allow myself to feel it. I tried so hard to show the world that I was fine. Most thought I was/didn't know why I wouldn't be. Some saw glimpses through the cracks and others happened to be present when I'd occasionally break down about it because I just couldn't hold it together anymore. And I think that just caused the "getting over it" to take FOREVER. There are times were I realise I'm still getting over it... But at least now I know I'm allowed to take my time and to heal probably.

Move On
Sometimes you really just have no choice about this. Unless you like decide to literally jump off a cliff or something... Don't do that.
The good Lord saw it fit to wake me/us the next morning (or afternoon), and the one after that and the one after that and each one more after that. He gave us a brand new day to turn to Him and thank Him for His encouragement to move on. It's like He's saying "I'm still here, sweetheart. I'll always be right here for you."

"When a good thing goes bad it's not the end of the world, it's just the end of a world." - Drake  (emphasis mine).

Body Language

The intensity of his deceptively lazy gaze
The strength of his long, linked fingers
The low trembling timbre of his voice

The liquid chocolate of his eyes
The confident lift of his chin
The cocky lean of his head

The whisper of his caress
The secrets of his smile
The call of his skin

My racing heart.