And I do mean it when I say 'Dear.' It is not meant, in this case, to simply be a way to begin a letter; as difficult a letter as this may be to write. But I think it's time that it came. Time that the words found their way out of my mind. Even if it is just through my fingers. That yellow stripe goes far and wide down my back. It's been long overdue but I thought I would never need it. I hoped. Prayed. That I'd never need it. Prayed that you'd one day, soon, not want so much.
I know this is my fault though. I needed you too much. I needed you to listen, to be there, to make me laugh, to comfort me, to make me feel like I had a 'person.' And you did just that and more. I took it all for granted. It became evident quickly how you felt and you spared no words letting me know. I was flattered. Now I understand I'm undeserving. I didn't feel the same and I let you know that but still continued to need you and you continued, expertly, to be there. "Best friends" Ha. It was my excuse; my cope out way of keeping you in my life but still side-stepping what you wanted. Ignoring how you felt… feel.
And then I found Love. It took me forever to tell you about him. I didn't know how; didn't know which nouns, verbs or adjectives to use; which ones would work right, hurt less.
"I love you but I'm in love with someone else?"That seemed too movie-like. Cliché almost. But finally, in many more words and a lot more time, I told you about him. Of course, you've been through a variety of responses to it since (Can I just add here that your "Marvin's Room" comment actually really hurt…).
Anyway, this never-ending string of words I've strung is me trying to say I'm done. I managed to convince myself that I wasn't leading you on, but I continued to talk, to complain, to laugh, even to be indifferent… I continued to need you. You have been a fantastic friend; a best friend, but I haven't done the same for you. I'm not even sure now whether I'm doing this for you or for myself. It's not the best feeling knowing that you are hurting because of me.
That said, I think we need time apart. Emotionally. The physical distance is already covered. I truly hope we survive this in the long run; but Dear you, I'm done leading you on.
Hesitantly,
KuiDee.
